Gender Question

Disclaimer: I have no personal experience in this area, but I can try to ask you some questions that might help you clarify things for yourself.

I don't think there's any one clear this-is-how-you-know type answer to your question. Some people know without a doubt from a very young age that they are one gender and not the other. Other people seem to not really question it until they start to reach puberty. Keep in mind also that gender isn't always a completely black-and-white issue - you could be somewhere along the gender spectrum, both genders in one body, or neither.

You say you're uncomfortable in your body, and that's certainly the first clue. I don't know if this could be attributed to the fact that you've grown up around boys - I suppose it's possible, but I've known other girls in families of boys (and vice versa) who never questioned their own gender.

I'd encourage you to keep asking yourself questions and exploring what the answers might mean to you. For example:

-Do you find yourself wishing that you had male body parts?
-Do you feel uncomfortable when people view you as female?
-Do you feel happy or more at ease when/if people mistake you for a boy?
-If/when you fantasize about sex, do you picture yourself in the role of a male?
-Do you feel uncomfortable about the idea of being intimate with someone while you have female body parts?
-I'm not sure how old you are, but if you have not yet started puberty, how do you feel about the things that will happen to your body as a female?

These questions are for you to think about - you don't need to answer them here if you don't want to. Or you can feel free to PM me or one of the other advisors if you'd like to discuss any of this confidentially.

Hope that helps a bit.

 

I am FTM and my experience is somewhat similar, when I was young (kindergarten and before) I presented androgynous (short hair (at least some of the time), unisex clothes, etc. After I started kindergarten I conformed to the social pressure to be a girl. Later in elementary school I saw the movie Mulan for the first time and told my mum "I want to go be a boy like Mulan did." I was told "Mulan's fiction." Until about 7th grade I went back to "being a girl", in 6th grade one of my classmates gave me a "girl's gift" and said there was a choice of "girl" or "boy", I thought but didn't say that I would have preferred the "boy" one. Either the summer between 6th and 7th grade or early 7th grade I read about the "John/Joan" case in Time or Newsweek and thought "maybe I'm really a boy" but continuing to go through puberty ended that thought. Fast forward to junior year of college, I have come out as bi/pansexual and am dating a lesbian transgirl, I am researching trans issues to "better understand her" and wind up better understanding myself. That was over two years ago and I'm a happy transguy (happy other than wanting to start testosterone and not being in a place where I can, that is). That is just my personal story, your experiences and whatever identity you reach will likely be different.

 

What makes a person transsexual is not what they wear, their hobbies, the way they talk, sit, stand, gestures they use, or any other external behavior or manuerism that may be construed as stereotypically masculine or feminine. It also doesn't have to do with a person's sexuality either. Of course gender plays a role in all of these things, as it would with a cis0gendered person, but they are not indicators in and of themselves of being transsexual.

What makes a person transsexual is the distress, discomfort, anxiety, and depression caused by the incongruence of ones physical sex and body as compared to their mental inclinations/habituation regarding gender.

For me it is like I am walking around with a costume on that I can't take off. And everyone relates to me as if the costume were real. And I am expected to act like the costume really is me, even though I'm actually trapped inside it. It's not something I was aware of until I took time to recognize it.

Growing up, I would receive reinforcment for "acting like a boy" and would be ridiculed or punished for "acting like a girl". Although I would dream about being a girl, I developed ways of disregarding such fantasies since it would be an impossibility and "wrong" for me to become a girl. So I add on to the costume and I bury myself in it. I try my best to be manly (even though at times I have been a terrible failure lol) and focus my relationships on being the "man". I would lash out at anyone that tried to accuse me of being gay or effeminate in any way in order to defend the secret I kept buried about how I feel.

There were times when I was with my ex-gf when we were intimate where thigns worked just fine. I loved her very much and it was when I felt really close to her that I was able to be "okay" with things. but a lot of the time (and I mean most of the time) it would be extremely uncomfortabel to be intimate at all, even cuddling. I just hated thinking about how I looked with her and the way my body was and the role I played in our relationship. It made me sick to my stomach.

But then I'm not a gay man either. I have the same sense of discomfort and insecurity regarding my body when Im close to men as well. I can't stand the thought of being attractive to someone the way I am. I want to be viewed as a woman and treated like one. Whether or not I ever end up in another relationship, I cant even take a pee without feeling out of place lol

What I would recomend is that you think less about whatever masculine tendencies you may have and think more about how you feel about your body. Don't let what others think discourage you from self-discovery. I get shit from all angles, gay/straight, friends/family, even people of my religion. I give myself shit all the time.

It's kind of silly, but when I start to be uncomfortable or doubt myself, and when other people start to get me down and make me doubt myself, I think of what it would be like to have boobs. And then I smile. lol

 

One thing that helped me was to try to imagine myself getting older...like, retirement age. Even though there were times in my pre-transition days when I felt like I was okay being "tomboyish" or genderqueer in a female body, I couldn't imagine myself in a 70 year old female body. It felt awkward, forced, wrong, etc. and was anxiety-provoking. Picturing myself as a 70 year old man, even a transgender man, was much easier and gave me no anxiety.

Even though my body at the time wasn't terribly uncomfortable, I knew I had to transition before I got to the point where it would be. I knew I didn't want to wait until desperation set in.