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I just wanted to transition

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Fugs, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. Fugs

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2011
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My therapist said she couldn't help me with my transition because she doesn't know anything about the transgender. The only place I can go that will help me is over two hours away and our car "can't handle that". She then told me that I'm due for a growth spurt and was all happy about it. Just assuming that I actually want to get any taller. Which I don't, because I hate being tall. I can't stand a damn thing about me and it's not looking like I can change any of it.

    I'm not okay with living in this body, I'm not okay with any of this. I'm so angry at everything including myself, especially myself. For thinking I had a damned chance to do anything about anything. I can't continue like this, I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, I'd get the chance to end all this self hate and destructive crap I have for myself but evidently that's not going to happen.

    So what is there for me to do? I want to cut again, I need to cut again, I want to choke the living shit out of myself and hope that this all disappears. I want to wake up and realize that this was all just a dream.

    I hate that stupid therapist for leading me on, I hate myself,

    My name, I hate the name Josh, I hate the Bible, I hate religion, I hate being a man so why did my mom think it was okay to name me Josh when she knew nothing about me then and continues to know nothing about me now?

    My height, I hate being tall, I don't want to get any taller. It's just another example on how my own body doesn't match my mind. Tall and dominant masking small and recessive.

    My arms, they are proof of how much I hate myself, how many times I had to punish myself for all the stupid things I do and think.

    My voice, because it's ridiculously low and I manage to keep a monotone when I talk.

    All the hair... everywhere I'm not a bear make it stop growing.

    Speaking of hair I hate how short I cut my hair before school, I didn't cut it because I wanted to I cut it because people wouldn't stop making fun of me for it.

    I could ramble on and on with my I hate list but I don't see the point, none if it will change and I don't have any control over anything.
     
  2. Sunsetting

    Sunsetting Guest

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2011
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    (*hug*) i can't tell you sometimes how much i want to reach through this screen and (*hug*) somebody. just to be there and shake you and look you in the eyes as a friend and say, 'you are terrific!, you're terrific! i wish you could only see what i see!!! :tears:

    J, i have spent years hating myself and i've only recently come to realize that there are lots of people out there with less than i have that seen be far more content in their relationships and in life in general. and i was like, what makes them so different from me?! after a lot of considering, what it came down to was their attitude and perspective on themselves. i tend to obsess on my negatives, whereas though they recognize their negatives, they were like, so what and made it a point to actively recognize and capitalize on their positives.

    J, (*hug*) i had a lot of people press into me for years that i was a worthless loser :icon_redf .... and J, i'm not, and you're NOT. i have to stop all the old tapes from me and from other people that have said, 'you're not enough, you'll never be enough, you are just all wrong'. these standards of perfection i set up came from outside myself and i never felt like i could ever achieve those standards and i always felt like a failure. so, even though i don't feel like it alot, i've started actively naming the positives in me (it was super tough at first, i only found like 3, then the list started growing). and J, you are a tender heart and by virtue of the fact that you are able to express yourself so beautifully, these two things are REALLY what make you BEAUTIFUL. SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

    J, i am so there with you (*hug*) and you are beautiful.