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Advice on gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by LaplaceScramble, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. LaplaceScramble

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    Just got back from therapy...after the brief hour...felt like way less time...I ended up even more confused. Do 'normal' people ever consider if there body is the correct gender? Do they even have to think about it? How do other trans-people know...I know you should trust your feelings, but I'm not sure what my feelings are telling me right now. Even more so how do people who come to this realization at around my age? ya I know none of us are exactly the same....but to get other stories would be wonderful.
     
  2. Owen

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    Even though I'm agendered, I'm probably more on the "normal" side of the gender spectrum than most transgrander people. What it comes down to for me is, I don't have a problem with the body I have; I have a problem with the implications it has for me when I go out into society. I'm fine with the fact that I have a penis; I'm not fine with the pressure to be unemotional and competitive and to objectify women that comes with having that organ and presenting as one that does. I guess the take-away on that is that a "normal" person probably doesn't give much thought to whether their body is the correct sex, but then again, I'm not "normal", so I can only make assumptions.
     
  3. LaplaceScramble

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    I don't know what this says...but I do have a problem with my penis. Whenever I get excited I find it troublesome and annoying. I also dislike the thought of being muscular...I'd much rather be tiny/dainty, I know that that'll never happen with my body, but still....then there's the all encompassing question of how would life change
     
  4. seeksanctuary

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    I started transition right about your age, actually; I knew beforehand that I was trans, but I didn't actually accept it until I was well into my teens. I wish I had transitioned much sooner, but later is better than never! :] It took about a year of therapy once I was about 19 to really decide what I wanted to do. I read a lot about being trans, thought about what it'd be like to have a male body instead, and here I am! I just knew it was the right thing to do.

    Good luck with things.
     
  5. LaplaceScramble

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    A question thats just stuck in my head, I don't know if you had this, is; What if I'm wrong?
     
  6. seeksanctuary

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    Oh, I still question that; I think it's normal to question yourself.

    Eventually, you do get to a point where you KNOW it's not wrong... you'll question yourself before and after, of course, but there will be a moment where you'll just know. Something will click, something will tip you off or make you go "ahhah". Sometimes it's not a huge, shining, obvious point... more of a slow realization... but sometimes it really is a moment like waking up one morning, looking in the mirror and going "who the hell is that in the mirror and why the hell are they the opposite gender".
     
  7. LaplaceScramble

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    Something like me being envious of women's body? And bothered by having a penis? hahahah
     
  8. Christiaan

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    Let me address the concern about not being as dainty and petite as you would like. Look, it's normal for women to not be entirely happy, without reservation, about their bodies. It's okay if you don't have a perfect body. You will find that the REAL people out there love you for what's inside.

    However, nobody condemns everyday women for trying their best to look more feminine. There are implants, surgical procedures, hair products, face creams and all kinds of bull crap out there for helping women look a little more like they want to look. Trying your best to look pretty doesn't mean that you don't accept what you are. It just means that you take pride in yourself and take pride in looking your best.

    If you are a woman on the inside, don't see your transition as any different from a born woman getting implants to make her breasts look more like what she wants. It's a bigger step, true, but it's not changing the person you are inside. It's just an effort by you, a pretty woman, to FEEL pretty. If you are a woman on the inside, transition is a perfectly normal, healthy expression of yourself.

    I hope that helps.
     
    #8 Christiaan, Feb 21, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  9. Hexagon

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    Well, I'm not normal, but cisgendered people have told me they couldn't imagine ever wanting to change sex. I'll try to help. You're feelings aren't telling you what gender you are, and that happens with most people who might be trans. It also happened with me. I narrowed it down to two things: I was letting the possible feelings of other people cloud my judgement, and I was unconsiously trying to stop myself accepting that I was trans because of how it would affect my life.

    Consider than, and I hope that helps. Feelings should be obvious, so find the reasons why they aren't.
     
  10. LaplaceScramble

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    I get what you're saying Christiaan, I'm still just trying to get out of the mindset I've been in for years.

    Hexagon...I think I udnerstand what you're saying, but question what you mean when you say I should find the reasons my feelings aren't obvious...sorry
     
  11. Christiaan

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    I am sure you can work it out. I decided eventually to divide gay people into two types, one type being the "male" types and the other being the "female" types. I know that's not an exact reflection of reality, but it helps keep me from feeling that I HAVE to go through transition, from male to female, to FEEL right. I can get my thinking of myself as a "female gay guy." I know that doesn't work for everybody, but it works for me. I hope you find something that works for you.
     
  12. LaplaceScramble

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    I hope I can too. As simple as a solution hormones would be (simple meaning ONLY I have to take a pill and that changes things), I wanna find what I should do, be it finding a label I'm comfortable with, or hormones.
     
  13. pinkclare

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    This is a most common concern! Some things that helped me get past this mental roadblock:

    There are several steps to transition that are completely reversible that can be taken slow if they start to feel wrong or uncomfortable: using a feminine name/pronouns with supportive friends, experimenting with hair and clothing styles, etc. If you do any gaming, some people have found being known as a different gender in the gaming world to be helpful.

    Even if you go into the world of medical transition, some things remain reversible (remember that people transition both ways!).

    I'm not sure if this is applicable to you, but I thought, "I can't make it any worse." I knew I wasn't happy with my gender as it was and if I was wrong, I still wouldn't be happy, but if I was right, I would be. Nothing to lose, a lot to gain.

    In the end, I recommend trying some things towards transition. Either they'll feel right or they won't. Either way you'll know more about yourself and your gender and you'll feel much better than sitting at a standstill fretting about whether or not you can trust your feelings!

    Best of luck.
     
  14. LaplaceScramble

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    I've taken a few small steps...very small. As in wearing rainbow ribbons hahah. I'm gonna try and talk to the GSA at my school, get them to start calling me Rory (my pick at a female name), start using her/she stuff like that....just see how it feels.
    As far as gaming, I've been victim of that in the past. I will make a male character...but in the case of games that let you switch to teammates, I always switch to females....or a very efeminate character.
    With the hormones, I know that I could always just stop taking estrogen because, whether I go down the MtF road, I do want to be more fem. I do have a question about that, that you may or may not be able to answer. If I underwent HRT, would I have to take estrogen pills my entire life?
     
  15. Christiaan

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    Sorta-kinda but not really. After you had gone through the surgery, you wouldn't suddenly turn back into a guy if you were to quit taking them. The effect becomes self-sustaining after you have reached a certain point of development. However, you might not like being entirely off of them at any point...I think it depends on your individual temperament. A doctor might recommend a certain minimum dosage just for your health, but you should already be taking fish oil and some supplements routinely, anyway. One more pill in your routine isn't going to hurt.

    Although I liked the HRT drugs when I was screwing with them (I discourage it because it's really very irresponsible to do it without medical supervision), you want to remember that they are one of many tools you will want to use to look and feel more feminine. You will have to go through a lot of training at pulling off being a dame that most girls get and are encouraged to pursue all through their childhood. You'll have to learn the walk, how to dress yourself, how to modulate your voice, how to apply make-up, how to tend to your hair, and so on. In other words, you are looking at "beauty and charm school on steroids," savvy?

    I understand that it's all very fun for people who really are truly transsexual, but try to understand in advance that, overall, the fullness of transition is QUITE involved, and it's not just the hormonal adjustment. A hormonal adjustment alone would not take you any real distance in transition. It's EVERYTHING that matters. It's living THE LIFE of a woman that matters.

    And the thing is, you can do most of it without having to take a single pill or make any biological modification to yourself. It would just be dressing and learning to act the part, top to bottom. It would be getting accustomed to an asshole here and there doing a double-take or refusing to use the pronouns you identify with. It would be getting your friends and family to start identifying you in their minds as a woman. That's really most of it. The hormones are just a tool you use to help with your appearances some and maybe calm down your nerves a bit.
     
    #15 Christiaan, Feb 21, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  16. LaplaceScramble

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    When I see myself as a female, I see myself as a tomboy...so I'm not really sure how I would dress differently, short of a different (physically) type of shirt. Alternately...I don't know if I would come out before or during transition...at least to my family and maybe close friends. I've already started working on raising the pitch of my voice, still getting the hang of it, but better than when I started, and I'm trying to work on my walk and stance. And like I mentioned earlier, I am moving to someplace new, so starting new in a place where no one knows me could be nice...
     
  17. Christiaan

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    Your tastes might change after you've lived full-time a while as a woman. I'm not sure, never had long enough. I would just wonder if, after you've lived the life a while, would you want to experiment in other directions?

    I suggest hitting a lot of transgender web sites and telling the people there you are planning on moving soon, and ask for tips on starting afresh from people who have done this sort of thing before. I don't know whether making a clean break would be the thing to advise or what.
     
  18. Mirko

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    Hi there! Let me start by repeating something: nothing that you are experiencing at the moment, will be solved in a few days, or weeks. You have a lot of questions, which is good. The questions and the answers that you find will help you to move forward.

    It is fantastic that you have started to speak to a therapist/counselor. But keep in mind that this is just the beginning. You will have more visits, talk about your feelings/thoughts, and yes, will have new questions about something else you might have started to notice.

    If you are not sure what your feelings are at the moment, that's okay. You know that there is something that you don't like, and that there is something that does not feel right to you. Explore that more, by talking about the associated feelings, and thoughts, and by taking note of any changes to these feelings. Taking on a female name is, of course, a part of it.

    That said, sometimes things become clearer only when we take a step back, and give ourselves a break from everything. Trying to put a label on everything, and finding a name for it, can make things worse. You don't have to find an answer to everything right now. You don't have to make a decision at this very moment. In fact, trying to do that, can only cause even more confusion for you.

    Everyone is different. Some people realize that they feel to be a different gender at an early age, while others become aware of the feelings much later in life. I have met transgender people, who are in their 40s and 50s and just have started to transition.

    Going to the GSA on campus is good. I can only encourage you to do so. Talking with others and perhaps with someone in person, and sharing feelings/experiences can help you to place your own experience thus far into a better perspective/context.

    You are already doing all of the right things. Just give it some time. :slight_smile:
     
  19. LaplaceScramble

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    What other directions would you be referring to, Christiaan?

    Mirko, would you mind expanding on your fourth paragraph?
     
  20. Mirko

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    Letting things be for a while. Not thinking about all the time, and trying to make sense of everything all at once.

    Reading through your posts, and even though you have a lot of questions, and would like to have answers, it seems that you are looking for a 'magic answer' to every feeling and thought. It's okay to say to yourself, 'I'm going to try to relax and try not think about things until my next appointment with the therapist. Before I go in for the appointment, I'll write down a few questions and things I wanted to talk about.'

    Yes, it is easier said than done, but try not to allow your feelings and thoughts to start taking over your life so to speak. :slight_smile: