Okay...here's my odd little gender thing

Hi...okay, my gender situation is...a little complicated?

I have been through periods of extreme transsexualism, including times that I had vivid delusions that I was a woman, and I even went through several days at a time thinking that other people saw me as a woman, whether I was wearing masculine or feminine clothing, even though I had a crew-cut during one of these spells. I've experimented with HRT drugs and liked them, even took them at higher dosage than suggested, for months at a time, not just one or two days (and I routinely tell people to never do this, always feeling like a horrible hypocrite). I felt more self-confident and more self-efficacious when thinking of myself as a woman. I have felt more in control of my life considering myself to be a woman. I have felt more like a normal human being, thinking of myself as a woman.

However, I found a boyfriend who has managed to talk me out of transitioning, and it's okay! He makes me FEEL feminine. Every day. He has an insanely overdone sex drive, and he encourages me to be girlish around him. He responds to my attempts to be seductive. He makes me feel very feminine in general. I feel very much like I'm living the dream.

During this time, I have managed to develop a bifurcation in my mind between gay people who are "twinks" or "poofs" or whatever you prefer to call fem-type gay guys (I'm not up on what is or isn't considered offensive anymore) and so-called "bears," essentially the "male gender" of gay guys. Now, having reshaped my structures and definitions, I feel very much like I can be happy for the long-term thinking of myself as one of these "female gay guys." I feel like I could be happy with any bear or bi-guy who loved me for being a rather girlish gay guy. I feel like I've gotten very much established and confident in this "twink identity."

Now, does this mean that I was never transsexual in the first place, or is it possible that I'm still transsexual and just in a sort of "remission period" or denial? Or is it possible...just possible...that the real answer is that I actually was transsexual, but I have managed to fulfill these needs by creating this mental construct of a "twink gender" where I'm sort of a "female gay guy"? Is there any precedent for this?

 

I'm really wanting very much to think you are right, insidehappy. This is really the big question that I had in mind that brought me here. It's my one big source of neuroticism.

Hey, maybe I can be a cinnamon roll! That won't offend anybody, surely!

 

Actually, one source of inspiration for me is the "fa'afafine" gender in traditional Samoan culture. Although it's considered to be perfectly acceptable for fa'afafine guys to have intimate relations with straight guys, it is considered to be a little strange for one fa'afafine to bed another fa'afafine. It is acknowledged and accepted that they are biologically male, but their SOCIAL identity is female.

And knowing that there is such a thing in an existing culture really helped me come to grips with the fact that maybe I CAN have an alternative to either feeling that I was a fool to believe I was transsexual or that I am still transsexual and running away from it. It gives me a sense that the "third way" isn't just a pipe dream but something that really is a realistic alternative.

---------- Post added 21st Feb 2012 at 05:47 PM ----------

Thanks, Stephaniko.

 

I just came out on my Facebook as a cinnamon roll. Nobody is going to get it, but I don't care. Yippee!

---------- Post added 21st Feb 2012 at 06:41 PM ----------

My last status update:

"Hello, world. I just want to say, I am coming out of the closet as a cinnamon roll. I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but this doesn't change who I am. It's what I've always been, deep down. I am a cinnamon roll, and I am proud."

 

Awwww, my sister says she still loves me, even though I'm a pastry. I love her, too.