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Horribly confused about gender identity. A bit of a rant.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jett, Feb 27, 2012.

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  1. Jett

    Jett
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    So I have been questioning my gender identity, I am FAAB, but I think I might be FTM. I have been thinking a lot about this to te point that It is all that I think about. When I was little I always wanted to hang out with the boys and hated it when the wouldent let me because I was a girl. Though I went through periods where I only wore skirts, I only wore skirts because I wanted so desperately to have friends. In middle school, I was dressing more femininely than I had in the rest of elementary because again, I wanted to fit in. When I started getting brests I was increadibly embarrassed, and tried to hide it from everyone , and when I got my period, it was the same deal. When I got to highschool last year, I sort of realized that I didnt have to dress girly to fit in, and I went back to my just-pant-wearing ways. This year, I started cross dressing at home just forthr hell of it, and everything just sort of felt right, and when I was watching people on television, like David tennant and Darren criss, I would always find myself wishing more than anything that I could be them.
    That would always send me into bouts of depression, knowing that I could never play a role like that and make it big because I will always be so femenine looking. Also, admittedly, delving deeper into theatre kid world, I always found myself being increadibly jealouse of the gay men I met, and for the longest time, I've felt like I could only date a cis man if I was also male. Any other gender identity was fair game. At this point, I just look back on all these things and think that I might be transgender. But the weird thing is, I love getting all dolled up as a girl. An somedays I think I'm stupid for ever wanting to transition. Somedays I want to be male, and some days I don't care either way. I'm just horribly confused and looking for some advice.
     
    #1 Jett, Feb 27, 2012
  2. pinkclare

    pinkclare
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    Location:
    Portland, OR
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A couple things to remember: Boys wanting to get "all dolled up as a girl" is nothing new! Cis boys do it all the time - crossdressers and drag queens are everywhere. Liking to dress up as a girl doesn't mean you aren't ftm.

    At the same time though, girls dressing as boys isn't new either! Feeling more comfortable in boys clothes doesn't necessarily mean you are ftm.

    However, depression, anxiety about your female puberty (breasts, period, etc), and jealousy of cis men ARE common signs of being trans. Obviously, only you can know how you really feel, but those things to me say that this is definitely something worth looking into.

    Also notice how you worded your post. You either want do be male or you don't care either way. You mention liking to dress up as a girl, but not ever having days where you want to be/feel like a girl. You owe it to yourself to not block out these thoughts as "stupid," but to instead really process them and try to figure out what your mind is telling you.

    Finally, I've been saying this on these boards so much recently, I've begun to feel like a broken record, but I recommend you contact a trans youth organization. They will be able to provide you with a wealth of resources. The two I recommend (even if you live far away and can only contact them through the internet) are TransActive in Portland, OR and Gender Spectrum in the California Bay Area.
     
    #2 pinkclare, Feb 27, 2012
  3. ameliawesome

    ameliawesome
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    we seem to be very similar! i've never felt like a male trapped in a female body, but i'd say 80% of the time i prefer to look androgynous. i cross dress often, but on days when wearing a skirt/dress doesn't bother me i usually take advantage of that. there is a certain amount of pressure from society to fit ourselves into specific categories, but that's something really great about the EC forum: people can write in their own definitions of personal gender and sexuality. my life might be easier, or at least more mainstream/"normal" if i were male, but i don't really want an easy "normal" life. my pride is my ability to see people as individuals and respect them accordingly. i do love my female body, though if i were to wake up one morning and discover i'd turned into a man i'd be okay with that.

    my point/advice is this: if we are as alike as this post indicates, find a way to love yourself as an individual. joining groups or communities where you can discuss these issues with similar people will help you do that. i find cross dressing/androgyny to be very satisfying on days when i'm having a difficult time looking at myself in a mirror. also, i was a theatre kid in high school and i've played male roles. there is such a thing as a pretty man, you know :slight_smile:
     
    #3 ameliawesome, Mar 15, 2012
  4. Sayu

    Sayu
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    I feel almost the same, but I have been crossdressing for my whole life and probably never wore skirts, if I didn't have to :grin: It's confusing tho :frowning2:
     
    #4 Sayu, Mar 15, 2012
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