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Torn, gender confused, and lost. Listen+advice/opinions, please?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Permafrown, Mar 22, 2012.

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  1. Permafrown

    Permafrown
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I AM VERBOSE AS ALL HELL. WATCH ME RANT LIKE A BOSS.
    ...Okay, so. Here's some background info on me. (...Some?) I want opinions/answers:


    • What do you think about my whole rant thingy/situation/etc.?
    • Is there something wrong with me? (...Other than all the other stuff...)
    • What gender (male/female/androgynous) do you guys think I am?
    • How/when/should I come out to my conservative family?
    • How should I go about my girlfriend/love triangle situation?
    • Tips on finding a good therapist who specializes in gender confusion?
    • Gender reassignment surgery? (top only + puberty, round 2!)
    • Why is life so unnecessarily complicated sometimes?

    ♦--------------------------------------.♪.-------------------------------------♦
    CUE ALMIGHTY WALL OF TEXT​
    I'm a 17-year old Asian kid, youngest in my generation, with conservative anti-gay Buddhist/Christian(Catholic?) parents aged 52 and 60 and anti-gay Catholic(Christian?) siblings, a brother (26) and sister (28). I'm a bio female and am in pretty good physical shape (captain of the tennis team and whatnot, and competitive as hell), and in most aspects, my brain's in great condition (got my first SAT score back and it was an 1800, and I'm told that's a fair bit higher than most kids).

    Only thing is, I think there's something majorly wrong with my brain. I don't... feel quite right. I've always been different from the other kids; true, I'm antisocial, most likely have OCD, am claustrophobic (especially around crowds), absorb knowledge more rapidly than most kids my age, create art like there's no tomorrow, am a nerd/otaku, and am eccentric in general, buuut... I've always never liked being a girl. Or should I say, I never wanted to be a girl? (...Whatever.)
    Regardless of how it's stated, I've just always been more of a guy and have never been comfortable in a girl's skin and having all these expectations of a female shoved on me. Most of my cousins are guys (about 1:4::females:males), and I've always been neutral, though never very comfortable with, my female cousins. And I've always felt weird about being with the guys: comfortable, but excluded... because I'm a girl. (It freaking sucks.)

    So anyways...
    ...I've always been a bit more mentally developed than most other kids, sometimes in unexpected or odd ways. Take my self-brainwashing, for example. Since I was about three or four and was sentinent (my term for "being able to think for myself and remember conciously"), I've been challenging the female gender role and have always been asking my parents why I couldn't act or dress like a boy and why I had to be like a girl. They always responded pretty negatively and I got discouraged with the whole gender thing... so by age four, I had started training myself to think and act like a girl, by observing what the few females in my family did. It worked for the longest time. I even convinced myself my favorite color was pink for several years; I was proud of myself. (Hurr hurr hurrr.)

    ♦--------------------------------------.♪.-------------------------------------♦​

    Sad thing is, my self-brainwashing is wearing off because I'm sick of this and am finally figuring out that I'm probably transgender. Probably. I don't even know what to think about this problem; it's not like I can cheat and look in the back of the book for the answer. (Hahaaaa, if only.)
    One of the factors making me unsure of anything is sex. I've heard it's glorious. However, I personally am not interested in the least in having some guy's dingaling shoved up my owww. Just... no, tyvm. If anything, I'd rather be the one doing the shoving if there had to be any shoving done at all. But the idea of things growing in me after being violated up my hole of glory, then eventually popping out back the way they came? ...Yeah, no thanks. Count me out. It's not like sex is crucial to my survival.
    Unfortunately, I do wanna marry, but I don't care what gender the person is, either physically or mentally. It's just, the other person will most likely be a normal enough human in that they have a sexual drive. (Which I apparently lack.) Sooo that's a bit of an issue, as well. As for children... I plan on adopting a pair or two of Asian kids; there's enough monkeys on Earth already, plus this way we look at least a little alike so the kids don't feel weird or something. I dunno.


    ♦--------------------------------------.♪.-------------------------------------♦​

    Oh! This is probably important-ish. I came out to one of my female best friends (let's call her Zexion), as well as my male best friend (we'll call him Hiro). Hiro's cool with it (but doesn't wanna get married now), and Zexion's... well, kinda in the same boat as I am in that we're both kinda guys but kinda girls, but whom have little to no sexual drive at all, don't care what gender the other person is, don't care for children unless adopted, and aspire to live in Japan and cosplay like our lives depended on it. We're both kinda scared of transitioning and think possibly too much about what our parents/family will think if/when we do. Zexion thinks she'll stay a girl til her mom's passed away, while I'm determined to finally physically become a guy. (It's kinda funny and ironic, cuz I hate dresses and the like for the most part, but I've always kinda wanted to be a drag queen. Life is strange.) And before I get further distracted--I'm now going out with the aforementioned female best friend. This'd be all nice and dandy... if not for her other best friend (hereafter dubbed "Demyx") being lesbian and secretly (from me) madly in love with Zexion, as well as Zexion's ex, and had asked Zexion back out the day after I had asked. Now, Demyx and I have been trying to be friends and though our personalities are a bit too different, we respect each other's art skills and are on friendly terms, but since this... she's been heartbroken, avoiding my gaze, and having art ragefits, and... I'm at a loss.


    ♦--------------------------------------.♪.-------------------------------------♦
    ​

    ...So. Have at me with those responses. Let's see what you all have to say about this whole thing. And sorry I didn't shut wrap up sooner. I'm just... I need to let it out right now.
     
    #1 Permafrown, Mar 22, 2012
  2. Maxis

    Maxis
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2012
    Messages:
    439
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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    • What do you think about my whole rant thingy/situation/etc.?
    Well... you need some help. And a hug. (*hug*)
    Just remember, we're here for you, don't be afraid to rant. :3

    • Is there something wrong with me? (...Other than all the other stuff...)
    No. There's nothing wrong with being queer. It's just like being black or white. :icon_wink

    • What gender (male/female/androgynous) do you guys think I am?
    You are male, I'm 99% sure. Even drag queens are often really males and not transgenders.

    • How/when/should I come out to my conservative family?
    Because they're religious, I say wait until you have your own place to stay, then go from there. You're going to have to tell them eventually though. There is no "how," that's your decision. Whatever works best for you, go for it. :3

    • How should I go about my girlfriend/love triangle situation?
    I think you should talk to Demyx about it (speaking of which, are you a KH fan? :3). Maybe you two can figure something out, or exchange a few hugs about it, something like that. You could go to, say, a coffee shop, and just start off with, "Hey... I'm really sorry about Zexion," something like that. :3

    • Tips on finding a good therapist who specializes in gender confusion?
    Uhmm... sorry, I'm not sure about this one. :confused:

    • Gender reassignment surgery? (top only + puberty, round 2!)
    If you really want to (and it sounds like you do), but again, I'd wait until you have your own place to stay.

    • Why is life so unnecessarily complicated sometimes?
    Eh, that's just the way life is, and no one knows for sure. I personally think life is like training yourself with some life lessons before you go to the above and beyond when it's your time. :3

    Sorry for such short responses and that I couldn't answer one of the questions. I hope I helped nonetheless. Good luck! (*hug*)
     
    #2 Maxis, Mar 22, 2012
  3. DegrassiLover10

    DegrassiLover10
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2012
    Messages:
    35
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    Location:
    Hershey PA
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    1. Your going through a tough time, but we all do. I'll be thinking of you.
    2. No, there's nothing wrong with me so there's nothing wrong with you! :slight_smile:
    3. I'm betting you are male, I went through the same thing as you did.
    4. My parents are exactly the same way, give them time and wait till you move out or sooner whichever you prefer.
    5. Crystal Rain Drops idea is pretty good.
    6. I couldn't tell you that. I go to a regular therapist or maybe you could go to a clinic like where you get testosterone, I think they have therapists there.
    7. I would take testosterone first, for now wear a chest binder. Surgery costs a lot and you want to go to a nice place.
    8. Because it's life, sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad. But you have to live through it. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 DegrassiLover10, Mar 22, 2012
  4. stupidIvan

    stupidIvan
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2011
    Messages:
    145
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    0
    Location:
    texas
    • What do you think about my whole rant thingy/situation/etc.?
    Honestly? Spookily similar to my own, save for conservative parents and being Asian (lmao). The heavy gender dysphoria and uncomfortableness with one's gender, I can relate.

    • Is there something wrong with me? (...Other than all the other stuff...)
    No! No, no, no! You are who you are, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    • What gender (male/female/androgynous) do you guys think I am?
    I don't know, dear. I can't really answer that. Only you can.

    • How/when/should I come out to my conservative family?
    You come out when you're ready to! Hell, you don't have to come out at all if you don't want to. I never plan on coming out to my mother; she wouldn't take me seriously and would probably hate me more than she does now.

    • How should I go about my girlfriend/love triangle situation?
    I wouldn't know, I'm the worst at relationship advice. If you don't like it, let it crumble. If you do, support it.

    • Tips on finding a good therapist who specializes in gender confusion?
    Nope! But do let me know if you come across any!!! :::xD

    • Gender reassignment surgery? (top only + puberty, round 2!)
    Only if you feel that it's right. Make sure that you want to live the rest of your life as a man, things like hormones and surgery are VERY permanent choices!

    • Why is life so unnecessarily complicated sometimes?
    Because life is mean and wants to make us cry.

    Honestly though, many of these questions are uncertain and have a wide variety of ever-changing answers that no one can give with definition. The only guy who can answer questions like this is Chronos, and that's a maybe! You are bright and obviously quite learned, but not all questions have textbooks answers.

    [​IMG]

    Here, a silly horizontal-panel story for you.

    Good luck in the future!
     
    #4 stupidIvan, Mar 22, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
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