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I want my parents to know I'm trans.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Atticus, Mar 25, 2012.

  1. Atticus

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    I am considering coming out to my folks as trans but I'm worried about that. My mother is so confusing sometimes. I can't tell if she thinks it is okay or not. My dad... He refers to my gay friends as "the girls." It's not so comforting to hear that, especially considerings I like guys. Then there is my stepmother who is so glad that she "finally has a daughter." Of course this couldn't be further from the truth as I was only assigned female. I had no choice in this. I know I'm a guy. I just need my folks to know it too. I've never had to tell them all three anything so important before. I'm worried that they are all going to want me to have to answer their questions, like they are going to want me to explain to them, convince them, that I'm male. How do I do that? How do I look my parents in the eye and tell them that I am rejecting their name for me, that I cringe at most of my memories with them, that I am not accepring the life they have built for me? How do I tell them without breaking their hearts? How do I make sure that I will still have a home and financial support and that my mother won't lose her job? My mother works at a very conservative Southern Presbyterian church. My father worships there and is best friends with the pastor. I know that he will want to pray with the pastor about me and then my mother will be in trouble too. I've almost cost her her job before when someone found out I'm an atheist and then the church sort of found out too. I don't want to wait any longer though. I'm so depressed now and a huge part of that is that my parents are not aware of the biggest aspect of my life. They are my parents and they don't even know my name. I would love to find a boyfriend too, but I think that will have to wait until my life gets easier to manage. When my head is clear, then I can find a relationship.
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think it is great that you have come to the point where you feel ready to come out to your parents and share with them that you are trans. You are already realizing that their dreams for you will no longer hold and that adjustments on their part will need to be made. And often times, this is the hardest part, and will take some time.

    Yes, at some point, you will need to answer their questions and worries. In preparing to talk to your parents, it might be good that you familiarize yourself with some educational material for you and your parents. One good resource for you to look up would be the PFLAG Transgender info page. Here is the link. Remember that the more confidently you can answer their questions and reassure them, the easier it might be for them to come to terms with you being transgender.

    When you talk with your parents, talk to them about what you feel inside of you, essentially why you feel to be transgender.

    Having said of all of this, given what you have written about your parents' views and religious beliefs, the first thing you should look into (if you haven't done so yet) is to built a strong support network first. That support network can be invaluable, particularly if you're coming out to your parents results in them having a hard time to come around, and accept you.

    Take it one step at a time. I think placing the idea of having a boyfriend or entering into a relationship at this time on the back burner is a good idea.
     
  3. Atticus

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    This is pretty good advice. Thanks for reading and replying. I'm also worried though that my mother will negate my gender identity because I've already come out to her in a letter explaining I was bisexual, which, I know now, is not the case. I don't want her to thinking that I'm confused. I'm not and I wasn't then. I just have a stronger definition of myself (I'm more panromantic than bisexual, bit homosexual more than anything. It's confusing). I live two hours from home, so maybe if I mailed my mom, dad/stepmother a letter each, maybe that would make things okay. But I'll definitely look into PFLAG. There has got to be some useful information there.
     
  4. Christiaan

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    Atticus, your father sounds the most promising. The fact that he is comfortable enough on the subject to be a prick about it means that you can have a conversation with him about it with relatively little chance of a blow-up. In fact, I would probably like him.
     
  5. Atticus

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    I've never really thought of it that way, but I suppose you could be correct. Of course, he could also turn it around and talk about how it is his fault and he should have done better with me, blah blah blah. He's a bit of a narcissist really. Any problems anyone has directly involve him. :dry: I'm definitely considering writing them all letters though. I stumble over my words too much to really be effective and I am so afraid of confrontation that I think it would be better this way.
     
  6. DegrassiLover10

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    I feel exactly like you sometimes. I also think your father would be the better one to tell. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. :slight_smile: Message me if you ever want to talk. :grin:
     
  7. Travel Tech

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    I'm not sure what to say, I wish I could but I can't really offer much advice for this situation. I just want to say good luck and I hope things turn out for the best.
     
  8. Atticus

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    Thank you, Tech. I appreciate it. Just going to tuck this luck into my pocket. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 25th Mar 2012 at 03:05 PM ----------

    Thank you. I need to tell all of them, but I might just tell them one at a time, just to see how it goes. I'm my dad's favorite anyway. Hopefully that will work for me and not against me.
     
  9. Pilgrim is hot

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    can't add anything to the above advice, but it takes amazing courage to start down this path and you should be so proud of yourself, your amazing, good luck and please let us know how it goes (*hug*)
     
  10. Wolfy

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    I think...the best thing you should start of with is

    "I'm questioning my gender, can we go to a therapist as a family?"

    It's something I should of done, but it seems like a good way to put it out instead of going "I'm trans, now obey my whims."
     
  11. Mirko

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    Hi there! Even though you have already come out once, it is okay to come out again. Identities, whether they be tied to gender, sexuality or cultural, are fluid, and they can change. Sometimes it takes a while for us to become aware of every feeling that we are having. I wouldn't worry too much about that aspect. But it is definitely something you want to include when talking with your mom, so that she might also understand better from where you are coming from and what you have learned about yourself. Built on the things you have already mentioned about yourself in your posts.

    Given your situation, i.e. that you live two hours away from your parents, I would maybe try finding a weekend to go home and talk with your parents one by one. Telling them one by one might actually be the way for you to come out to them. Think about which parent you feel would be *most* accepting and supportive, and maybe talk to that parent first. If you feel that your dad would be more accepting and supportive and be there for you, talk to your dad first. (*hug*)
     
  12. Atticus

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    While this is a good idea in theory, I don't live at home except on a few weekends or during school holidays so it isn't really feasible in my situation. But, I think it is great advice for people who do live at home.

    Mirko: Thanks for the suggestions. They make a lot of sense. Maybe when I go home For Easter I will talk to one of my parents about this. I like the letter, wait, talk approach, but I think it might be best to go ahead and just say what I'm feeling instead. I dunno. Finding the best approach is the difficult part. Don't want to make anyone upset with me, after all. Can't get too defensive. We'll see how that goes though.
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! At the end of the day it comes down to what you feel most comfortable with, and what you feel is the best approach for you. There is no right or wrong way to come out. If you feel that you can best express your thoughts and feelings with writing it all out, go for it. If you feel that your dad and/or mom would be upset, if you don't talk to them in person, explain why you decided to write to them. If you decide to write a letter to the both of them, leave the door open to talk and to answer questions. Let them know that they can approach you at anytime, if they want to talk to you.

    Give it some thought, I am sure you will reach a decision that you feel comfortable with. (*hug*)
     
  14. Atticus

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    Well that makes sense too. I suppose I'll just think on it. Maybe go ahead and write the damn letter just to see how that makes me feel too. No rush though. Thanks. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Mirko

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    You said something very important, and it is good that you are aware of it:

    Yes, there is no rush in coming out. You can take as much time as you need to think about things, and letting your parents know. Being aware of it, and really following what feels right to you, will make things easier on you. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Atticus

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    I had decided I wanted to tell my mother about my gender identity over the holiday next weekend, but I feel like I want to tell her now. I'm afraid of telling her over the phone. Is this socially acceptable to deliver big news over the phone? Has anyone else called their parents to tell them anything like this?
     
  17. Mirko

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    Hi there! I haven't come out over the phone, but you know what? It does not really matter in which way you want to come out, whether it be in person, in an e-mail, in a sent letter or over the phone. Yes, it is socially acceptable to come out or deliver big news over the phone.

    Try not to make it more than it is. If you feel you need to talk to your mom and you want to do it right now, there is nothing that stops you from picking up the phone and talking with her.

    But here is the thing, and I am not sure if this applies to you but the more you go back and forth on how to come out, it could also be a sign that you are not completely ready to let her know. Give it a bit of thought.

    Maybe try doing the mirror routine. Stand in front of it, and say out loud 'I want to come out to my mom.' Try gauge how you feel. If you feel alright, try going for it.
     
  18. Atticus

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    You know, this is actually pretty interesting. I wonder... I know it has a lot to do with being uncomfortable talking aloud in the first place and I've never been good at delivering news. It also doesn't help that I'm terrified of her reaction. But I may not be as ready as I had hoped. I should make a pro/con list at the very least. Thanks again for your insight. I just had an amazing dream last night where all of my family was around and I casually admitted my identity and then we all chortled together. I doubt my mother will chortle, but it was a really nice dream and it made me want to try.
     
  19. Mirko

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    Hi there! I can certainly understand why you are terrified of your mom's reaction. There is a point where we all are worried and terrified as to what our parents will think, and how they will react. In some ways, that fear and uncertainty will always be there, until you actually take the plunge and talk with your parents.

    Knowing that it could go either way, it would be one reason for you to make sure that you are ready and are able to stand your ground and know that you have a solid support network on which you can fall back on in case you need to.

    While making a pro and con list might be a good idea, that thought alone tells you that you might still need to have a few reassurances that it is the right time for you to come out and to engage in a conversation with your parents. Create the list, write it all out. After that maybe try writing out the things you want to say to your mom, and read it over. After you have read both of them, ask yourself "am I ready to talk to mom about this?"