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Worried about talking to my family about my gender...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Atticus, Sep 13, 2012.

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  1. Atticus

    Atticus
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    This morning I did something very bold. I ordered my very first packer and binder. I don't have many men's clothes, but I'm feeling suddenly inspired and I'm going to work on finding appropriate men's clothes this weekend. However, I am concerned that it is time to tell my sister (with whom I live) and my mother. I have no idea about the reception I might receive from either of them. I do not believe my sister would kick me out, however, I do have almost four thousand in my savings account, as well as a three thousand dollar refund check from my school which I will be picking up tomorrow.

    I really would love to be able to hear my Real Name when I'm at home or when I'm with my ma, but I'm also scared to death. I live in Mississippi, which is not notorious for being extremely accepting. My uncle is already aware of the situation. He lives in New York though.

    Should I do it now? Or should I tell them after my binder/packer come in the mail? I'm so anxious about it, really. I don't want my mother to think that this isn't a real thing for me. I've already come out once before (as bisexual, instead of panromantic, homosexual, transgender). Would one negate the other for her? I just want my mother's support and my sister to stop calling me a girl.

    Any advice would be welcome.
     
    #1 Atticus, Sep 13, 2012
  2. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    It's natural to be nervous. Are you out to some supportive people already? If not, you might want to build a support system for yourself before you come out to family. In coming out, it's best to start with people you know will be supportive before moving to people who you think might not be.

    If you have a good support system in place, go ahead and tell them. You'll have to tell them sometime, and the sooner you tell them the sooner they can start working through their reaction.

    When you talk to them, start by talking to them about the feelings and experiences you had that have led you to this conclusion--lead up to it. That way it will make more sense to them.
     
    #2 Ianthe, Sep 13, 2012
  3. Fisnou

    Fisnou
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    Congrats on taking that first step!

    If I were you, I think I'd mention something before changing appearance completely without notice. That way your mom and sis can get prepared mentally for what's to come. Have they not suspected anything until now? Have you been dressing girly? Would it be a dramatic change with binder and men's clothes? If it's only a small change, then may be you don't need to say anything, only when they ask.
     
    #3 Fisnou, Sep 13, 2012
  4. Atticus

    Atticus
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    I am out to most people at my university. All my friends have fucked up in front of my sister and called me by my Real Name, which has been funny and embarrassing at the same time. My sister has never paid much attention to it. I do have some support within my school community. I'm an active member of my school's GSA, and I have a therapist and a few friends to support me. I have none of this in Jackson, though, where my mother lives. Should I tell her right before I leave to come home or right after I get there? Or tell her over the phone after I'm gone? The timing of it is the scariest for me. I've recently been handed an Official Diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, which she didn't understand and which she also triggers. I do agree that it would be good to explain how I feel about this and what led me to this conclusion and such.

    I have been wearing men's shorts and t-shirts, keeping my hair fairly short, and I stopped shaving over nine months ago, so I suppose it would not be fair to say I've been "dressing girly" but rather more aimlessly masculine. I wear women's jeans, and I have not thus far made an effort to conceal my admittedly large chest. I just have only been wearing sports bras. My mother thinks I'm an enraged lesbian. My sister just thinks this is a phase from going to a liberal arts college. I don't think the binder would be too much of an issue, as the one I've ordered I don't think will work extremely well. If I start wearing men's jeans and if I start wearing the packer, that's when I think they'll say something. If they notice a bulge in my jeans, then I may have some explaining to do, to say the least. lol.
     
    #4 Atticus, Sep 13, 2012
  5. Fisnou

    Fisnou
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    Oh ok, so it wouldn't be that much of a change. But, the bulging thing would be! lol
    Like Ianthe said, explaining what's going on in your head would be a good start. As for the timing, it depends on how comfortable you'd be talking to her about it. I know I would prefer talking to her face-to-face as I don't like talking over the phone but it might be different for you. But telling her before or at home might be better than telling her after you leave that way you give her a chance to respond. If you feel like it will be uncomfortable being around her after you've talked to her, may be leave it till the end of your stay.
     
    #5 Fisnou, Sep 13, 2012
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