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Trans help?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ashton, Dec 25, 2012.

  1. Ashton

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    Hey, this is to trans people: I was just wondering how long it took your parents to start calling you by your correct pronouns?

    I came out to my Mum and brother like 2 weeks ago and my Mum has been totally awesome about it: she bought me ties for xmas and calls me her son, but her and my brother don't even attempt to call me by the right pronouns.

    I know it's very early days and I should give them time but I wish they would just try. It's almost as if they doesn't know that she should be doing it but I don't want to mention it because every time I mention anything to do with being trans my mum gets really annoyed and changes the subject and my brother starts taking the p*ss. I have a trans friend and my brother refuses to acknowledge her as female even though she has been living as a female for 2 years and when I correct my brother he just tuts.

    What can I do?
     
  2. Deaf Not Blind

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    Knock him down. I think a bloody nose just once should get the message to his brain straight away!
     
  3. Ashton

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    Haha I had never thought of that :L don't think my mum would appreciate it much but he would never forget!
     
  4. Deaf Not Blind

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    hehe!

    Well, moms and girls will ask you to be polite and nice. Men however will not benefit from you sitting on a cushion sipping tea with pinky up. He needs decked next time he purposefully is dissing the lady. I know you gay boy, but grow a pair and wallop him to defend her honor! That will send a clear message only a guy can undy..don't call her a guy again or you will hurt.

    Anyways, I tried on fb to correct a 1 year long friend, a really attractive deaf girl, abt her pronouns and thinking if born male until fully transitioned and legal name change you still man bullshit. obviously can't hit on fb or a girl! so my words did not affect her..she could not see my face. last straw was not when she called me a confused woman, or her ex friend who is trans a gross scary perv, it was when i discussed Eric being a her, and she said use right English say she. I told her off and how she had been rude in many ways to me in past and i overlooked cuz i wanted to be friends...i could not tolerate that. she was telling me to dis a girl who does respect me...she unfriended me, i blocked the bitch. point was made: i stand up for transladies.
     
  5. fluidity

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    Hey,
    I'm not actually trans myself, but can offer advice just I'm general with helping people understand. From the sounds of it, your mum isn't doing this on purpose, if she is referring to you as her son, then I doubt she'd have a problem with pronouns, it can just take a bit longer to get used to that as pronouns are used so frequently without much thought. Also, many people honestly don't realise how offensive / hurtful it can be to use the wrong pronouns, it really can be a case of needing to have it spelled out to them. If she's reluctant to enter conversation about it at the moment, give her time, 2 weeks really isn't that long, let her digest the information she has already and then maybe give her some literature on it fom the internet? When one of my friensds came out as ftm I did a quick google search to figure out how best to help him through it and there are some good articles out there, obviously once he felt better about talking through stuff I usly just asked him, but it can help just to be able to digest information by yourself first. Your mum may feel unsure and confused about it all.
    As for your brother.. how old is he? My brother joked around about my sexuality a lot at first, we have quite a jokey relationship anyway though. But once I explained how insecure I felt about it and that it wasn't ok with me, he was a lot better. That can depend on maturity though, not to generalise but some teenage boys have a bit of a sensitivity block at times (I really don't mean offense there, just seems to be a common stage many (but not all) of my male friends went through! You may just have to try your best to ignore him for now and ask your mum for help with it further down the line. From the sounds of it she is making an effort early on so I'd imagine in time she'll be supportive all round.
    Congratulations on making the step, persevere and I'm sure it will get better. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 26th Dec 2012 at 12:14 AM ----------

    Apologies for all the typos, using my phone and it likes to auto change words!
     
  6. DhammaGamer

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    I correct people on every third mistake they make. A year in my family corrects themselves now. I don't think they honestly view me as a woman but ... change takes time.
     
  7. GayJay

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    i told my mum abbout a year ago and still insits its not all real and wont use male pronouns
    she will call me jay but not all the time depends on her mood really. and still calls me her daughter, but will stutter and not know what to say. i guess it takes time, your family sound a little more accepting of t thnan mine though.

    mum did buy me all boys clothes and stuff for christmas along with aftershave that was cool but still a card saying daughter on it.
     
  8. Haley M

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    I have not told my family. But two friends that I have call me by my female name and actually tell me that I am a woman and that feels great! I hope some day I can be referred to as a daughter by my family.
     
  9. Ashton

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    Thanks for everyone's advice! I'm think what I'll do is wait until I've headed back to uni and then send her some videos (that she said she would watch a couple weeks ago) and see how it goes from there. As for my brother, I do think a good smack will help haha
     
  10. Deaf Not Blind

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    "to my darling daughter! I hope you enjoy Brut aftershave, as your 5 o'clock shadow is really bothering me. :slight_smile: Love your mommy dearest!" hehehehe! funny
     
  11. Minecrafter

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    how the h*** did you get your mom to react like that i came out almost 3 weeks ago and my mom acts like nothing happened i dont care if my mom reacts badly as lind as she reacts i wish she would call me her daughter and accept me same with my brother he just acts like nothing happened
    by the way im keith but call me Katie please
     
  12. Hexagon

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    Took implied suicide threats to make it happen.
     
  13. Minecrafter

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    :lol:
    Yeah i was thinking it was that hehe
     
  14. Hexagon

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    Yeah, well parents have a latent desire to pass on their genes through us (even though its extremely unlikely to actually happen), so they clean up their act.
     
  15. Deaf Not Blind

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    Hey Katie! Don't ever call me that, as many still do...call me David. :slight_smile:
    My mom did not react either. But she didn't hate me. It is weird she said lots of girls have male names...um, David? Lots of girls think they are guys...who mom? no reply just, Lots of them. :confused: okay.
    I would like to be called her son. I have not asked to be. I just cringe at DAUGHTER and such. I bet you know what i mean...even in reverse.
     
  16. Ashton

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    Hey Katie! I think it's just because my mum is pretty cool but since then I have had the same.... she hasn't mentioned a thing! It's like it never happened.
     
  17. Jim

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    I told my mum about a month ago and she barely acts like I mentioned a thing. She still calls me by my birth name because she doesn't want me to change my name, and she calls me by female pronouns. I hate it.
     
  18. Cassandra

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    Well, if it helps at all, one thing I always say when coming out (not that I've done that many times of course) is:

    "It took me 19 years to accept myself, so I'm not excpecting you to accept me in 19 minutes... or days... or months."

    What I try to say is, one have to understand that is difficult enough for us to understand ourselves, so we can't expect others to understand us right away, the need time to do so. And that time varies a lot from person to person.
     
  19. m2fandrea2012

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    I have not been to the point of telling my parents. And for the moment, assuming I do/did, I would not expect them to "get it" right away. I am also a parent, and so, I can empathize a bit with that side of the argument.

    First...I think there is a shock to the system for parents and siblings.
    It has only been one way since birth.

    Second...As a father, and I know if my son came to me and said, "dad, I am changing my gender..." it would be difficult to visualize, and balance out. This is the person you gave life to. This is the person who's diaper you changed, who you taught — how to eat, dress, live, did homework together... if you look at it like that, I think it is reasonable to have some difficulty with it — and I am saying that as a m2f myself. It is NOT easy.

    Third...I think you need to figure out — is this person just being a jerk on purpose or are they really not remembering it (see my first and second points). It could be just what a parent or sibling is used too, and it could also be disrespectful.

    I think for a time, correcting the person is a good idea. But at some point, you need to make a call. Is this person being absent-minded, or a jerk? are they doing it on purpose or not? And I think there will come a time where you would need to sit back and just ask — are you doing this because you can't accept me or are you forgetful?

    I also believe that staying calm is your best bet. I think when people are being purposefully hurtful, they are making their mission to make you feel as crappy as they feel. So if you get all steamed, they succeed. If you stay calm, it could do well to diffuse the situation to your advantage.

    My long winded 2 cents. Hope it helps and hope it works out. :slight_smile: