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Trans: Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Operator, Dec 27, 2012.

  1. Operator

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    For the sake of privacy, I'll just say my name is Operator.

    And, for the sake of time, I'll cut right to the chase.

    First off, I'd like to tell you that I'm a pre-op trans guy. I've been on testosterone for 8 and a half months, now, so I'm pretty far along in my transition, minus any surgery. I can't afford it, yet.

    Since that's the only important fact needed to know beforehand, I'll get to the story.

    I've known this girl for a long time, and I didn't really put too much stock into our relationship because... Well, how do I say this? I don't want to be offensive by saying that she "was" a lesbian, because she still claims that she is. And I don't want to say she "is" a lesbian, because she's with me and I'm a guy... I guess I'll just put it this way: I didn't think I had a chance with her since she's a lesbian. Also because she had a girlfriend when we first met.

    Anyway, I'm sorry if I offended anyone up there. It confuses both of us, as well. I like to call her "homo-flexible" which means she's a lesbian, but stuff happens. Haha.

    So, we were friends for a long while, didn't really talk or hang out that much. I don't really know how we started talking more, but we did. After a while, her girlfriend broke up with her, but she said she really didn't mind since she was pretty much over the whole relationship for reasons that aren't important to this story.

    Well, things went well... She had already confessed to really liking me, but I still didn't really think it mattered since she's a lesbian and all. I know that love is universal, but I also know that what you prefer is what you prefer and you can't change that. You can love someone without wanting to be with them, and that's what I thought was going to happen with us...

    However, things lead to other things, we kept talking, and then we decided that we really liked each other enough to give a relationship a try.

    Well, I used to live closer to her, but because of other reasons, I had to move back home with my grandparents. It's a pretty far drive, but she managed it and we hung out in person for the first time in a while. And alone, for the first time. I have to admit, it was the best time I've ever had, even if we didn't really do anything at all. I stayed at her house for a few days... Things went really well.

    And now, here we are, in a very happy, stable and loving relationship. We both knew who each other were before we did this. I knew she was a lesbian and she knew I was a trans guy.

    (I hope this isn't too far, but I feel it's important to the advice I'm seeking: I do have a functioning penis from the testosterone, yet I have not received any enhancing surgeries to make it normal/adult sized for the moment.)

    Now that you know more about the situation, here's what I'm needing advice on...

    It seems like not a day goes by that she's not reminding me that she's a lesbian. That, when I get the bottom surgery and have an adult sized penis, our sex life is going to halt completely.

    Now, I know that sex does not equal love. But I also am a firm believer that sex is a part of love, that it is an expression of love and a very important expression. No, I'm not a pervert. I like to be able to touch her, to show her I love her by being passionate, attentive and caring. It's not always that kind of sex, no, but the point is that I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't show her that I love her in that way. What's the point of calling ourselves in a relationship if we are just two friends in love?

    These feelings confuse me. I don't know if I should feel shallow for having issues with this, or not. But I also know that this hurts me deeply, no matter how I feel. I feel even slightly heartbroken by this. Why should she feel any differently about me just because I have a slightly larger, normal-looking penis?

    This is killing me on the inside, and I don't even know how to talk to her about it. She says she'll always love me, and that it won't mean that we break up... But I just don't know what to do. Why would we stay together if we can't actually be together? I don't know if I can live with someone I love with all of my heart and soul and not be able to actually be with them. It'd kill me inside. I feel like I'd eventually have to leave, just to save myself from my own sadness.

    So, that's my problem. I'm looking for any advice I can get on this subject. What should I do? How should I feel? Should I feel bad or shallow about not being okay with this? Is this relationship going to fall apart? And, if so, is it stupid to keep going with it, knowing that it's just going to fail? I'm very confused and I really need even the smallest insight. Please help me?
     
  2. Deaf Not Blind

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    hey, I think I am trans too, so I would love to talk more about your transitioning sometime. Welcome to EC, there are lots of us here who try to help each other.


    ".. seems like not a day goes by that she's not reminding me that she's a lesbian. That, when I get the bottom surgery and have an adult sized penis, our sex life is going to halt completely. "


    Gee that is not a good sign.

    I had come out to a girl who was a friend of a friend, who saw my unfortunately female pix on fb before I found the definition of transgender. she asked if i were lesbian, and i told her i was not out but was a boy, transgender. she said "don't be so complicated, just be a lesbian!" :confused: Um, no. I am not a girl. She thought we could still be a couple, why? cuz my body could not make her pregnant and not make semen. Um, maybe okay. But in a few weeks she was done with me, she needed a lesbian and we had not even met up face to face.

    I not know a lot about all this, but I do know another man like you, had been asked out by a lesbian who considered it a queer relationship while he saw it as straight. he did have the breast removed, she was still supporting him. then they broke up. i won't ask why. i can kinda see why.

    You have a lesbian, she does see you as having female stuff...like a butch. it is not okay, but i guess many lesbians just see it how they WANT to see it, like an illusion that we will never really change no...and then if we do, what?

    Her daily reminders of her love of women, her lesbianism, it is a good warning. I wish you well, and hope things work out or you find a bi or straight gf if she don't. This sucks.
     
  3. Operator

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    Well, I don't believe that she sees me as a female in any way. She has told me many times before that she can't even picture me as ever having been a female. I'm a guy to her.

    Also, as I said, I do have a penis, though small for the moment. I don't do anything a female would do during sex, and I refuse to take off my chest binder since I am not comfortable with that, and she respects those things. It confuses me even more that she allows me to penetrate her, yet she wouldn't be comfortable if I had a larger penis?

    I don't think she sees me as a female in any way. I trust that she fully respects me. I just don't understand why she has issues with my surgery.
     
  4. oh. (*hug*)

    it seems harsh of your girlfriend to keep reminding you that shes a lesbian, if she is a lesbian then fine she can find a woman to be with, as you are not a woman. however if she likes you enough labels shouldnt mean anything and she should stop saying shes a lesbian or at least stop reminding you, as being in a relationship with a man is kinda... disrespecting you if you get me?

    i have known a few lesbians who have dated trans men (idk im not sure why... maybe the lack of male parts downstairs was a thing to do with it idk) but when they got bottom surgery they ran a mile. poor men.

    you should talk to her about it and not us really, ask her why she keeps reminding you shes a lesbian. pretty sure i would get annoyed if i was dating a 'straight' girl and she kept reminding me she was straight, if she liked men then cool, but if she liked me enough to want to be with me then she should stop reminding me of her past lol.

    she also could just be scared of being with you as you are a guy and being with a guy might be new to her, but still you should talk to her about it. (*hug*)

    as for when you get bottom surgery, dont expect sex/intimacy to happen staright away. you (i assume) would need to get used to your body just as much as she would. go slow, take your time. maybe dont jump right in just go slow at a pace thats right for both of you.

    im repulsed by mens parts, as a lesbian (as she keeps telling you) she may be repulsed by your new parts when you get them. then again may not! sorry if this is no help.

    maybe you should get a girlfriend who likes men.... or at least doesnt remind you she likes women.
     
  5. hmph

    hmph Guest

    I feel bad for not being able to give advice, but it was very comforting to read about someone struggling in a similar situation. although it does suck, really.
    i've found myself a closeted gender-something, but, being in a relationship with a straight cis man, well, you're right, you can't change their sexuality. you're options are limited, unfortunately. go through with your transition, or put surgery on hold for her.
    i don't know what i would do. knowing me, i would be too terrified of losing a healthy, stable relationship to go through with transition. i secretly sometimes hope my boyfriend and i break up, so that i could accurately express my gender, but that doesn't remove my feelings and attraction for him.
    if i had one wish, it would be for him to love me no matter what, but you can't really control how they feel. you cant even control how YOU feel!
    hopefully, if you do go through with surgery, and your girlfriend doesn't want to continue sexual relations, then the best you can hope for is to remain friends. there are many who would be willing to love you, and it's important to remember that when planning your life path.
     
  6. Operator

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    Haha, I really liked this reply. It had a very comedic and light-hearted air about it, which cheered me up a little bit to read.

    You also make good points, and it helps me piece together broken thoughts in my head to get a grasp on what I should be doing.

    I think I really should try to talk to her about it. I have before, but it wasn't a "real" conversation. It was more like a short, chatty reassurance that it wouldn't mean we would break up, which is not what I need.

    I agree that it will take time for both of us to adjust after the surgery, but I really don't want that step to come and then be left alone and feeling jaded about myself to the point that I wouldn't even try with another person.

    I'm sure it will work out. Even if we decide to just call this whole thing off, at least it will be an answer.

    ---------- Post added 27th Dec 2012 at 06:04 AM ----------

    I don't think you should suppress yourself for anyone. Even if my girlfriend told me that we were going to break up when I got surgery, I would still get surgery. It may hurt, but in the long run, it's better to do what's right for you. If someone claims to love you, then they still will. I'm confused about what kind of signals my girlfriend is sending me and whether or not I should act on them now or give it time, but I know for sure that it's not going to change my mind about surgery. If she doesn't feel the same way about me afterwards, then she never really cared for me in the first place. I'd just like to know now so I won't feel so much pain later.