I got pushed back into the closet... (gender issues)

So... I recently started googling some more information about transgenderism. Specifically, whether one could still be passable at my age or a couple years older. And I found this site. Figured I'd ask for some advice and support, it seems like there's a pretty good group here. : )

By the way, incoming wall of text. Apologies in advance. :U

So, figured I'd first start off with my story. When I was a kid, while I didn't really grasp the concept of being a different gender (being sheltered and mormon didn't help there), I would end up playing with my sister's barbies just as much as I'd play with legos. I loved the powerpuff girls and I enjoyed Sailor Moon just as much, if not more so sometimes, as the other shows I'd watch. I was fascinated by the episode of faily odd parents where timmy turned into a girl. I was never really aggressive either, and in general was a lot more emotional than other kids my age.

If this doesn't seem to flow well, forgive me. D: It's... kind of difficult for me to even type this out.

Around the start of high school, I started to notice girls. And I wasn't just attracted to them - I was envious of them. The fact that they were able to act like - well, girls - and everybody was alright with it. Whereas whenever I acted similar, I was teased or mocked, and with me being emotional... well, it was a downward spiral. I don't remember where the idea first occurred to me from, but I started to question my gender identity. I started researching more on the web about lgbt, specifically transgenderism, and the more I looked into it the more it felt like it was clicking. I also noticed, and started to become okay with the fact, that I was attracted to men as well. I started to fantasize about becoming a girl, and I felt like my self-discovery gave me a lot more happiness and confidence. As if I had finally figured myself out - that nothing was "wrong" with me, and it seemed like it clicked.

I first came out to my close friends. It went great. They all either didn't care or were proud of me. And then I came out about how I thought I was transgendered. And... much to my surprise, that went the same way. I started cross-dressing a bit at school, and while a few people tried to make fun of me, I was so happy with myself I didn't care. I remember one guy asking me when I was in the bathroom (changing back to guy's clothes before going home) if I had lost a bet. I just proudly said "nope!", grinned and walked out, leaving him dumbfounded. Anyway, I felt great.

And then... my parents found out. They didn't get angry at first, but they obviously didn't support it and I got into a few fights with them about it. Then I started to doubt myself, fearing being cut off from my family. I started worrying about if I would ever be able to afford the transition, and if it would even work since I was already going through puberty. In the end, I decided I would rather just be "normal" than be a girl - I thought my life would be easier if I just pretended to be a guy. So I tried convincing myself of that - for a while, especially when trying to act, I felt like the chick playing the dude disguised as the other dude.

A few of my friends asked me why I stopped, since all of our friends were supportive - even the ones I thought wouldn't be. I... couldn't give them a satisfactory answer, so I just lied and said that I realized it wasn't me.

So I kept acting, and playing the game, but it hurt. I couldn't hold down any relationships, because the person that girls were attracted to wasn't really me. I couldn't keep interest in them, and for the longest time I didn't know why. But thinking back on it now... they all expected me to be the guy in the relationship. And even though I was trying to act like it, I knew that wasn't what I wanted. In fact, the one girl I actually did love kinda wore the pants. I didn't know why I was able to love her so easily and none of the others... but when I think about it, she was the only girl I was able to act feminine around and have her like me for it.

But anyway, I'm already ranting twice as long as I wanted to. I guess it's just that I haven't really told anybody about this. :\ These feelings and desires of wanting to be a girl would keep popping up every now and then, and I would just repress them and keep playing the act. When I wasn't able to, I just made an account on an internet forum pretending to be a biological girl. I even had myself convinced for the longest time. But for the past couple years my depression was getting worse, and I couldn't figure out why.

I started thinking about what used to make me happy, and I remembered when I was out of the closet before. And like before, it felt like pieces of a puzzle were falling back in place. The past few weeks, when I've stopped repressing this feeling of being a girl, I've been happier than I've been in a long time. And apparently, just a few days after I started thinking about it, one of my good friends told me that he had also been trying to think about why I was depressed, and why I couldn't stay interested in girls, and told me to think about the fact that I might be gay. naturally, I didn't have the nerve to tell him what I was thinking, but the fact that someone else is at least seeing a part of all this, without me even telling him any of it must mean something.


ugh I'd be surprised if anybody actually reads through this whole thing. Long story short, I came out of the closet once and was sure I was transgendered. I got scared and went back into my closet and convinced myself I was a cis-gendered, straight guy. But now I'm thinking about it again, and I can't keep denying this feeling. But I'm afraid of coming out of the closet for a second time. I don't know why I'm afraid, since my friends all accepted me last time... but I still am. And I don't know why.

Um. Help, I guess? I don't even know what I'm looking for here. Just... people to talk to would be awesome.

 

Yeah, I think you're right there... I mean, a part of me isn't sure they'd take it seriously. But I still know them, and know they'd stick by me... It's just frustrating.

It doesn't help that I tried to overcompensate and act like a stereotypical guy in order to repress what I really felt, always trying to show off and do the heavy lifting. I just think it might be jarring to do such a switch like that.

 

There's no way in hell my family would be on my side. : ( But, I've always felt closer to my friends than my family anyway, I suppose. It's just that I've got so few of those nowadays.

 

You're right, I can smell the cheese from here ;D haha. But, seriously... you make a good point.

Oh geez I just realized what time it is. I have to wake up in five hours. I'd better hop off the computer. Thanks for your advice and support. I'll see if I can pop back on to check replies in the morning.