I hate myself, or at least what I think I am as of now.

So here's the thing: I've been questioning my sexuality for only 7 months so far and I'm 15 years old and a male. It's pretty young and you can tell me I don't have to rush finding my sexual identity but sitting at the edge of my chair waiting for some clear sign that I'm gay or straight or bi is not what I want to do for years. I know I'm not alone and many people have it worse but I can't stand this agony. I was SURE I was straight previously, no doubt about it. My relationship with girls has been either a hit or miss. Some girls got amazingly attached to me, others shot me down and god it hurt because i was so infatuated with them. I KNOW what it's like to be attracted to someone, I've liked girls since kindergarten. Many girls. But I can't seem to remember a single ounce of emotion, or what it's like to feel, because I have been emotionally vacant for some time now. I have incredible tunnel vision because that spark that went off in my heart, that uncontrollable teenage urge to touch/feel a girl, or be loved by one went away after my first time having sex with my last girlfriend. (first five times ) I enjoyed the sex. It took me a while to finish which raised an eyebrow because she was perfect. But the thing is, a month after we broke up/had sex a few times, that's when I begun to question because that urge went away to be so near girls just went away, a sorta, I'm done with this, attitude.

I was not that eager to talk to girls anymore. I felt...different. But it was a month or two after my last time having sex that i began to feel this. So ever since then I've been questioning, pulling my hairs out, and squeezing out any evidence of homosexuality in my younger days. There are VERY subtle things that happen to everyone. One possibly out there thing was in 1st grade my friend asked to kiss me to see what it felt like to kiss a girl. We did it and I licked my lips after, saying his lips tasted salty. His mom walked in and I felt like I did a terrible thing for some reason. There's that, but the "normal" things I guess is that I came to tears a few times because I used to hang out with older kids in middle school, and when we split ways when i was in 8th grade and they were in 11th, it hurt so bad. They were my brothers, and the kids i looked up to. My dad left at a very young age, and the day he left and told me to take care of my mom is still very vivid in my mind. I didn't understand what was going on but I made sense of it now. They were my positive/not so positive male figures i guess. I LOVED them. We were brothers, all ready to die for each other. (we talk again now, but everyone's a little different and it's not quite the same) I also used to have very long hair in middle school (hair that you'd look back at and think "what the hell was i thinking") and i used to straighten it every other night. That is something that went on with a bunch of guys at that time though. Sorta like hairspray or greased hair.

So my mind has been whirling, I feel like that brotherhood friendship we had was secretly me being gay with all them, and it sprouted from kissing my friend in 1st grade. Even though I've been physically and mentally attracted to girls obsessively before. (now i don't see anything special when i look at them, like "this isn't doing anything for me") I feel the same way with guys, where they don't do anything for me. But I don't even feel like I am capable of liking girls anymore. I feel like i AM capable of liking guys. The switch was so damn sudden that I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. *possible TMI* when i masturbate, I have to think of girls if i want to get it up without touching it. Sometimes I try switching my fantasies to guys mid-masturbation but i lose focus and eventually go soft. But the thing is, there is such an absence of being "straight" that I have no idea if I am anymore. Maybe I'm bi, who knows. I reconnected with my dad two years ago, and I told him that I'm depressed. He asked why. I didn't want to tell him, "I might be gay," so I told him it had to with him just leaving, and part of that was true. I did it so i could maybe get a therapist and the idea is still up there. I love you guys here on this site, so could you please reply with some of your thoughts on what I might actually be? *sidenotes, I have always had terrible self-esteem, despite being popular, smart, and athletic. I remembered preferring girls i was with NOT knowing who i was, because I have always been a secretly depressing person. But I am wondering if i have been depressed because i haven't been happy with my sexual orientation. I've asked myself "am I gay" everyday for 7 months, finding one or two reasons that lead to yes, and a million that lead to no, but that ones leaning towards yes always seem to outweigh the ones leaning towards no.

 

So that's something i didn't really mention because i thought this post was lengthy enough. Something I saw through self reflection one day when i was in my freshman year of high school. The reason my father left was because my mother was having an affair. I knew this, even though they didn't know i did. In my relationships, I was always a little extra discerning and I wouldn't say that i had trust issues, but it was hard for me to fully connect with some girls. The first real girlfriend I had was in my freshman year, and I say real because it was a teenage love. At least for me. Long story short, after 4 months of everything going perfectly (She let me take her out, she wasn't awkward with my mom/dad, she wasn't "prude") out of nowhere she says that she doesn't like me. But never gave a reason. My mind went frantic and tried to see where I went wrong. (a connection I've made is that that is what I'm doing now, with the whole sexual identity crisis.) I assumed everything was wrong with me. I went into a very depressed state for a long time after. In the summer is when i met the girl that i lost my virginity to. She was new to my school and my friends wanted me to cheer up and get a so called rebound girl. She was that, but a lot more. We broke up because she was flirting with a ton of older guys and lying about it and then as soon as we ended it she hooked up with one. Then after that, I found that the FIRST girl actually dumped me because she had a long time crush on my best friend. I've been trying to tap into my sub-conscience and see if maybe they contribute to this whole dilemma but I havent found an answer.

 

This is something I definitely did and I think still do. One thing that was most different about me from other guys at the time was that in junior high, I always told my buddies to replace we on a double date. My group of friends were/are the "studs" of our grade. I know that they like to hook up and just leave the girl right after. In junior high, I knew that I only wanted a relationship. My older brother and sister graduated HS by this time, so I knew what a serious, loving relationship was. That is what I used to want, not some hook up. But after I was sure I had that with the first girl in freshman year and she broke my heart, I remember a switch in my intentions. It is part of that youth, "fuck it" complex haha. But I didn't want a relationship anymore. Just hook-ups. I remember being mad at myself because I had the opportunity to lose my virginity with the first girl, but never acted on it because i was afraid of how it might change things. With the second girl, there was less talking and connecting and more sexual things, including sex itself. With your theory on how I am, "over" girls (at least for right now, only maybe..hopefully), I have thought of that too, but didnt think that was possible. I guess if i had to sum it up: my mental attraction was damage with girls in my first relationship and my physical attraction was damaged in the second. The REAL thing I've been struggling with is if this is me just giving up for a little while, like you said, or the very sudden and rather ABRUPT realization that i don't like women at all. Time is really the only thing that will tell huh? and experimenting is something that I would try (last resort, since it scares me) but if I'm not into it, don't want to hurt the dude's feelings.

 

Hey there! I'd be more than happy to see if we can figure each other out if that's something you want to do. I've laid out my deepest darkest secret here, right now, on this forum but don't think I expect you to do the same. So I quoted this part because my questioning is more a part of my 'dead' time rather than the answer. I sought out the LGBT community to see if they could help with my questioning. So my experiences with girls: I remember being little and really wanting to be around this girl in kindergarten named Amanda. I drew her pictures, shared snacks, typical grade school stuff. Then, in 1st and 2nd grade I did the same with another girl named Natalie. She had a best friend that i ended up liking till 5th grade. Then in middle school is when i really became obsessed with girls, like writing notes, fantasizing, everything. I wasn't a loser, but i didnt know how to make them mine. So i got my first kiss eighth grade, which is very, very late over here. (actually in kindergarten but it doesn't count haha) so there were little queer tendencies here and there like "not liking hook-ups." But i did like girls.

So as of late, i kind of made a plan, something i havent really followed through with yet. I've decided to live as if i was gay. Not looking at girls, trying to check out guys and really just let my mind try and find something, look at gay porn, all this and that. I've decided that i need to let my mind free and see how i react. I don't know how long this "experiment" will take, but say if i DO find something i like, then maybe im gay/bi. Keep in mind man, i wasn't that kid who was picked on for being queer or anything like that, i was pretty much a stereotypical guy who plays football and runs track. But the thing is, something that gives me comfort, is that if i do come to the end of this question AND im gay, it doesn't mean i have to stop listening to rap, stop doing sports, or adapt a little cute lisp. The thing with me was that this whole thing stressed me out like crazy, and it was only the last two days that i came up with the experiment idea and the realization that i can stay who i am and possibly be gay.

If i am, i don't know how I'll feel. As of now, the chances are looking low, but like i said, right now im allowing myself to just do whatever. Like AKTodd said to do in a way. whatever i find attractive is what i find attractive.

So you dont have to, but something that sorta let my anxiety go for the last 2-3 days is just telling yourself, "if i end up gay, then i am." easier said than done, but just remember who YOU are. I can't really see myself being feminine or that image that society puts in our head when we think of gays. Tell me what you think and if you're open to this experiment, -Mike