Hello, I am a 18 year old female. I don't hate my body, I wear make-up, am comfortable with the way I look. But I do have major issues with my identity. When I was little, I always wanted to be a boy. I wanted to be a male while playing fantasy games, I can't remember one time I played a girl-role. I loved it when people confused me with a boy. I game a lot and I used to watch only programmes little boys would watch. It was not consciously on my mind that I wanted to 'change into a boy' but I would make sure everyone did not see me as a girly girl. That idea was somehow horror to me. It all changed when I was 13, like (almost) everyone I went through an awkward phase and it has led me to be a 'normal' looking girl. And I am not feeling miserable. Of course this isn't a big deal. But I have had multiple breakdowns (a period of time in which I worried and felt anxious, not a breakdown but my English vocabulary isn't that great) when I went through puberty, that I would become a 'woman'. Someone who would become a mother, a wife. I have told my dad I would never marry anyone, and if I would happen to meet a man that I liked, it would be long distance. Than a time came that it would all seem okay (months). Followed by another period of anxiety about my future of being a woman. This was especially horrible when I met my ex-boyfriend (long distance ). I just felt so weird about it, out of place although I found him attractive. I had another breakdown, this time convinced that I was transgendered. When we broke up I wanted to explore this empty feeling, and the idea of being gay showed up in my head. It has fascinated me ever since. I think I am somewhat attracted to men, I have never been in love with a man but I think I could like them. I just cannot be with them as a girl, does that make sense? I don't want to be their 'girlfriend'. I would be able to date them as a man, I guess. I think I like girls too, there are lesbian signs in my past and I am currently dating a girl. But it is also because I still don't want to become a 'full heterosexual woman'. I am afraid that I am forcing myself to like women instead of men because I have these strange feelings inside me. Are there more people like me? Because I am thinking of getting help so I can figure things out because it makes me so confused. Or is it common for some people to feel like this? Most of the time I wait until it goes away but it always comes back. I hope I've made myself clear and that there are people that can help me because I have never ever read a story as strange as mine. Greetings from a Dutch person! :icon_bigg
Actually I think you'd be shocked how much I relate. First of all I totally relate to the periods of questioning and then just being content. I went through periods of being find with my gender only to freak out about it again a few months later. This isn't as uncommon as you might think. As far as sexual orientation goes, I knew I was attracted to girls before I started transition, but I have said for a long time before that that I was gay because I knew I couldn't stand being with a girl as a man. Being with a guy let me feel more feminine, but if I was with a girl it would just make me feel too masculine. Now that I'm transition I'm open to dating a woman, but there is just no way I could have done it before hand. Hope that helps.
Dear J Snow, You have no idea how much you helped me! I thought I was just imagining things, although I would be truly devastated if that was the case. But you put it into words perfectly, it is exactly what I mean, but reversed. You probably know what I am talking about. I might have known it all along, since your response all of a sudden 'convinced' me. To put it briefly: yes, you have most certainly helped me!
