Rant

I can definitely relate. I mean, there are parts I like about being male-bodied, but not all that much. I think it would have been much cooler to have been born female-bodied, but whatever... Like you, I'm not really sure I want to change my body at all, but there's a certain part of me that wonders if I'm bigender or something. It's kinda confusing...

I wish I had some really cool magic bullet thing to say, but I don't. You probably need to hear from our transgender brothers, sisters and those in between for something truly useful.

 

Well, you could be gender neutral; but I do sense some dysphoria in what you're saying. I have a few questions that would help me to understand things better. Do you feel a constant level of discomfort being biologically male, or does the discomfort come and go? Does having a penis hinder your life in any way? Do you feel angry at times for no reason? Has being biologically male affected your dating?

 

You have no reason to choose. Just dress in clothes you like, date people you like and enjoy life.

 

Hmm...Well, since you don't have any hatred for your penis then you're not Transsexual. Though there are Transgender girls who are fine having one and still feel like they're in the wrong body. What usually triggers you feeling incomfortable in being a guy? Is the feeling very random, or is it brought on by certain things like having to shave your face? Sometimes gender restrictive clothing can be the problem. However, if the problem just seems to randomly pop-up with no triggers then we may be dealing with something outside of the Trans* camp.

 

Well, there are bi-gender people. At times they can feel either male or female. When they feel male they're fine; but when they feel female their body feels very foreign to them. However, your newer answers tell a lot more about what's going on. You do sound Trans to me. Feeling discomfort and depression in showering is a typical symptom. Swimming also feels ackward because you're showing your bare chest, which doesn't feel natural. Simple things like shaving your face brings depression due to you have this feeling that hair just shouldn't be there. There are also other triggers, like just simply being treated like a guy by others. This may sound silly, but being treated like a "bro" for a trans person can honestly lead to random depression.

That feeling is called Gender Dysphoria. It's when your brain is telling you that what you're seeing/feeling physically doesn't match up with your mental image. When you are dreaming you're seeing the real you; so when you wake you get an even bigger wave of depression because you're waking up as someone else. It also explains the lack of interest in dating, your MDD, and your lack of energy. You sound simply defeated by life as a whole, like I was. But you can't live out our life making other people happy by pretending to be a guy. Coming out as trans is very hard; but can you honestly see yourself continuing your current life 10 years from now? Trying to be a male when you know deep down inside that you're not is a dead existance. I tried to keep quiet and "be a guy" for 27 miserable years. I too was deeply afraid of coming out to my overly religious family. But after I came out people was surprisingly cool with it. You'll still be you personality wise, but in a different skin. A skin you can wake up and not feel depressed over being in.

I strongly encourage you to seek out a transgender specialist and let them know how you feel. Being Trans doesn't mean that you have to change your name and wear frilly dresses. You can still dress and act the same as you do now. Not all Transgendered girls go through SRS surgery either. There are steps you can take to feminize yourself without any hormones at all, such as electrolysis. What is imporant is feeling comfortable in your own skin. And to me it sounds like you clearly are not.

 

I would imagine that just dressing in gender-conforming clothes would be triggering every single day...

 

DK, I would really recommend talking to a therapist about this stuff if you can. Especially since you might have other issues that come along with it. Mine's been wonderful already just for my depression alone.

Second, just personal experience, but make sure you let anyone you get in a relationship with know going in everything you told us. Specifically, make sure you tell your partner that you have honestly considered SRS, even if you don't think you want it now, and that you have identified as female.

Thirdly, I think it's really awesome that you are considering third gender and other options. I'd just really like to encourage you to keep thinking about this stuff and doing research. It takes years sometimes to figure out your orientation and identity. And with some of us trans* people, the orientation changes with transition anyway. There is nothing wrong with being genderqueer and you shouldn't feel any pressure to become binary female. I know I fit in the binary. You might not.

That aside, to address your concerns directly, there are indeed some women out there that do go all the way and regret it. I think all us women need as much support and encouragement as we can get, but I also think that there's a link that every one of us trans* people should read.

A WARNING FOR THOSE CONSIDERING MtF SEX REASSIGNMENT SURGERY (SRS)

The reason is, if you go to the other side of the trans* looking glass, you're going to be aware of people that decide go "all the way" and regret it, because they did it for the wrong reasons. Those are some of the most famous, and their own words are there for you to read. I want to warn you that some of the quoted words can be what's called "triggering". The first quote is a little over the top from someone that is an activist against SRS, so be prepared for some eyerolls as well.

That page was put together in a compassionate way by a well known Trans* advocate named Lynn Conway, whose home page along with a wealth of information if you do decide you want to pursue becoming a woman is here

Lynn Conway's homepage

Again, this isn't to scare you off if this is something you feel like you need. That first link helped me make my decision to become a woman. Something I want to summarize, if you don't want to read it, is that SRS is not an all-or-nothing thing. Your options include all of the following, and you should by all means pick a strategy - ideally with the help of a therapist - that will allow you to live a happy and fulfilling life. Least commitment to most commitment :

* Cross-dressing - Youtube is a huge help with this
* Voice work. Again, Youtube. People who train their voices often have better success than people who have had voice surgery
* Diet and exercise - be healthy, but you'd be amazed at how a slimmer waist and a shirt that exposes it can make you feel Diet is something else you should consider professional help with or at least internet research. The FDA says most of us need 2,000 calories a day, 1/3 from fat, but everyone's different. Exercise, if you're having fun and doing it every day, you're doing it right. If it's a chore, you aren't.
* Laser (better if you have dark hair) or Electrolysis hair removal - It sucks that it's expensive but let a pro do it. They do have DIY kits but they're really difficult to use on other people let alone yourself, and can cause burns and scarring
* Therapy and hormones - Please go through and do this the hard way with a doctor's help. Doing this wrong can kill.
* Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) - This is my dream (if the hormones don't do all the heavy lifting), although I also ...
* Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) - ... want this as well, just because I'm selfish and would prefer being penetrated by a more dominant female partner and don't like using my penis as a penis during sex. I should warn you, most surgeons are very good at this from what I've read, but some women do report not being able to orgasm after SRS.

Please also know that you don't need any of those things to be a woman. Not a one. Woman is something you are on the inside. Every one of those things are things people do to be more comfortable with the fact that they are women who have to live day to day life in a male role. So that's my free internet person advice. Just pick an asterix and make that your goal. Including the "zeroth" one, doing nothing at all.

Transitioning and becoming openly female is a lifestyle change and a huge one. It's one that I'm finding takes BUCKETS of courage. I'll put it this way: I've been seriously considering being a woman full time for two months, and I can now just barely check my mail and get stuff from my car in female attire. And that's usually at night. Every time I do it I'm more sure it's what I want. But there are days when it's just too scary and overwhelming. And I haven't even had any bad experiences yet.

Also, I would definitely look toward people coming from the other direction for support and info, even if you never do anything more than dress in female clothes. The FtM people I've met so far have been just incredibly knowledgeable about this stuff going both ways. I feel a little bad that I know so little going the other direction, but MtF is what I know and what you were asking about, so that's what I typed.

 

I'm not sure whether to disagree with you in a few statements. When you say that someone doesn't identify as transgender just because they don't feel any dysphoria, I beg to differ. As long as they're long-wishing to be in the right body and they're certain of it, whether feeling dyshoria or not, they are diagnosed with GID -- with relates to being transgender. Then again, you said transsexual, but then you mentioned transgender. Exactly what's the different between the two terms to you?

 

Yes, it does take a lot of courage. I have deep respect for my trans brothers and sisters, because I've seen how they have to fight for every single day.

 

Huh? I didn't state anywhere that someone who is transgender doesn't feel dysphoria. I asked what was causing the dysphoria to determine if it was a Transsexual or a Transgender issue. Even though we all fall under the Trans* umbrella there is a distinct difference for us girls. The T umbrella covers pretty much anything gender oriented; from general cross-dressing, genderqueer, to third genders. Identifying as a Transgender girl could mean you wish to have everything about your physical body be female, but have no issues with your penis. Others could be perfectly fine in their current physical body and just wish to live the life of a woman. And anyone in the T could feel Gender Dysphoria of various degrees for very different reasons.

A Transsexual is someone who can not stand being a male in any capacity. Simply put, we are in a constant state of struggle being in a foreign body that we know is not ours. I don't own a penis, I have a tumor. Having to just touch it in any capacity makes me sick. I don't even consider the wretched thing to be mine. A Transsexual experiences Gender Dysphoria at a very intense level. There are times I have tried to cut that horrible thing off and have torn out my facial hair in large chunks with tweezers in hatred of seeing it. I'm also incapable of holding a relationship due getting a "male" erection causes me to cry and shut down. Even my voice bothers the hell out of me; it sounds way too male and caused me to speak very little when I was younger. Everything about this body feels completely foreign to me. That's why I asked about the feelings about her penis. If she had a hatred for it on top of Gender Dysphoria over the rest of her body feeling foreign then she'd be a Transsexual.

So I guess an abbreviated version of it is that a Transgender could accept parts of their physical body to be their mental gender, while a Transsexual has to have a total overhaul. It's a more specific label in the T umbrella to clarify what I am. It's like saying "I like guys" doesn't clarify if you are a Bisexual, Pansexual, or Gay. I've talked to Transsexuals who have issues with Transgender girls as "they don't feel their true girls if they don't go 100%". I think that thinking is rather idiotic myself. We're all in the same boat of suffering. It is rather confusing stuff to sort out; but that's the issue with the T being the "catch all" letter for everything gender oriented.

 

That's quite new to me actually...

I thought Transsexual was a physical attribute while Transgender was psychological. Put -- Transsexuals to me were people going through transition, whilst transgender was what goes on in their mind and their desirable thoughts, psychologically speaking.

 

That's a common misconception that people have. But it isn't as simple as adopting a different label once you start hormones. Transsexuals go through many of the same psychological struggles that a Transgender woman does; but that doesn't mean they're exactly the same thing. The difference to me is that a Transgender woman might think "I'm not really comfortable being in my body" or "I wish I didn't have a penis", while a Transsexual thinks "This is clearly not my body, but someone elses". A lot of Transsexuals can't transition or go all the way, so they're trapped. Either the options are suicide (which is sadly the most common choice), or trying their best to present as a woman just as any transgender woman would. That's why so many Transsexuals do everything possible to transition 100%.

SRS costs more than most woman could ever afford, so there are plenty of Transsexual woman out there who simply can't get that strangers genitals removed. It isn't that they accept having a penis naturally or simply adapt, it's just that they have no choice but to live with the parasite latched to them. That's why I get so irritated when I hear another Transsexual say "oh, well she hasn't gotten rid of that thing yet, so she's not a real Transsexual.". Like being a Transsexual is some exclusive "100% transition only" club. Likewise I think it's just as insulting when a Transsexual says that a Transgender is nothing alike and can't relate. We are a lot alike in that we are all woman, feel the same discrimination, and have some form of dysphoria.

The dysphoria though is usually very different depending on the Transgendered person. For a Transsexual the dysphoria is the anxiety of having to be trapped in some strangers body. I don't see me in the mirror at all. Up to this point I've lived my life through the eyes of someone else. Even when I put on a dress and make-up I still don't feel me being there. It's like I'm along for a passenger ride, but not experiencing my life. To me my life won't truly begin until I transition 100% and kill of this other person permanently. For right now I'm simply playing a part until the time that I can emerge. To many Transgendered woman that form of dysphoria is very bizarre. They may see themselves as having flaws that need fixed, but they can still see some aspect of themselves and do things to make themselves feel better.

I've had people introduce me to other Trans* women who would talk to me about things I just couldn't relate to. I could never "father" kids or have sexual relations the way I am. Yet many Transgendered women feel comfortable doing so. The leader of our local Transgender group has fathered 2 kids and is married to a woman; yet she has taken hormones after fathering the kids and identifies herself as a woman. The concept of even trying to have sex in this body with its tumor just blows my mind.

Then there's the gray areas that's not covered. A Trans* woman may desire to have breasts and develop a figure, but have no issue with having a penis. So they go through getting hormones and go 90%, but don't bother with SRS. They are beyond just having desirable thoughts, yet they are not going "why does this body have this thing?!" like a Transsexual. They know for a fact they're a woman. So what do we classify them as? To people outside of the trans* circle they hear we are both transgendered and just assume we are the same thing. Yes we are both technically Transgendered; but we're obviously vastly different in our mindsets on going about it. That's where the Transsexual label comes into play.

So I try to help other women out, but there are some things that I just can't relate to that a transgendered woman does. Just like a gay person could identify with a bisexual to an extent, but will never understand the desire of wanting to have sexual relations a woman.