Confused and needing help (TG)!

Hi Sandra!

Your identity is something that you're going to need to figure out for yourself unfortunately. It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about whether to tell your parents, and you've got a good head on your shoulders.

One thing I want to ask: is it really bad right now?

If it is, then it might be worth coming out to your parents. That will get you a therapist right away. Or your ordinary doctor. They can help with problems like depression right away, and can work with you and your parents as far as ways to help you deal with your dysphoria so you can get by.

Otherwise, transition is a very long process that takes dedication day to day for a long time. So what I'm saying is, you might have to wait anyway. It's true that people have more success when they start early, but you'll still be really young for about 5 years. That's enough time to get a decent job and maybe even try to get into a good school where it's easier to transition anyway. My therapist is free.

If you aren't someone who would benefit, the process is designed to help you realize that pretty early on. Just be honest with any partners you meet about how you feel inside, as much as you know.

The other question I would ask myself if I were in your shoes: is your parent's support worth coming out to them? It might very well be if you're in a bad situation financially. I know the job market kinda sucks right now. But if you think that your home situation would become something bad, then it might be better for you to just get a little independence.

Any way you slice it, if you're still in high school, that should be priority numero uno. I'm saying that as a dropout with a GED, stay in school and graduate if you can.

 

EDIT: I Think I found a better way to say this part and deleted a couple paragraphs.

What you need right now is something I think we all have to fight for. Room to figure yourself out. One way to do that is college. One way to do that is telling your parents. This is a really hard decision to make and unfortunately you have to make it.

Telling your parents is hard. It's terrible being in the position where you're the one with bad news that could hurt someone else. I suck just as much at coming out as I do at being the dumper (I waited until I was in a relationship), and I had to do both all at once. I know it's not quite the same, but it prepped me for telling my parents and that felt the same. The guilt was unbearable and was the reason I started therapy. But one thing I've learned is that, if you meet them with nothing but empathy (easier said than done and don't think for half a second I lived up to my own advice the whole time), eventually they will cave in and give the same back. Give them love and understanding and time. But don't keep your true self out of the way where it can be ignored, and be really sure of yourself and who you are before you do come out. You are going to need a lot of love and confidence and some plans of your own, and a willingness to bring up something uncomfortable.

Past that, from this side of the computer screen, the cost and benefit looks like this

Tell your parents now
Pro: They can help you with therapy, clothes, and emotional support
Con: You'll be living with them after delivering news that could hurt them

Go to college first
Pro: Therapy is free at UNI, you can go to the LGBTQ center for support, you can buy your own clothes
Con: Money and you won't have the safe place to transition and clean break you'd have if you came out now

I don't really see a right answer here, just a hard choice.

After that I'm really scared of transition too. But that's another thing a therapist is good for

 

The only way to be. Hope I helped a little at least Come back here if you ever need to. Or just the internet in general. Lots of people figure out gender that way if you don't have any other room in your life. You can be anyone you need to be behind a username and avatar.