Very Confused

I have a question that can't be answered by anyone other than myself. I need to type it out, though, and I think talking to others who may have similar experiences will be helpful. I'm wordy, and I apologize for the length.

I am 21, and realized I am bisexual about two years ago. I realized this by thinking "what if I'M a lesbian?" after hearing about people who did not realize they were gay until later in life. My stomach started to flip and I tossed and turned all night, but things started to make sense, in retrospect, and now I think things like "How did I ever think I was straight??"

I guess I just don't have much insight when it comes to these things. (The day I realized there is a difference between wanting to wear a dress and wanting to have sex with girls who wear dresses was revelatory.)

As I explored my newfound identity I embraced a sort of andro asthetic. I spent a lot of nights googling top surgery. I changed my online name to a gender-nuetral one and bought a chest binder, which I wear every day now, except on my days off work.

(I'm afraid it will make my scoliosis worse, but am too weirded out by all this gender stuff to ask my doctor.)

And, well, I'm having trouble seperating presentation from identity. I feel ... sort of female? This isn't something I've ever really thought about. I didn't know what gender was as a kid, and didn't question it as a teen. I was really depressed as a teenager, suffering from undiagnosed bipolar ... I didn't really think much about ANYTHING when I was in highschool. I just wanted to go home and sleep.

I mean, I used to think I was straight.

I have a pretty crap track record when it comes to knowing myself.

And now there are things that, in retrospect, are making me question:

The time when I had so much fun playing "kung fu" with my male cousin, because I got to run around without a shirt, only to be shamed by one disapproving glance from my uncle. I was so mad: why couldn't I go topless? Why was a "girl" chest different than a boy chest? I was eight or nine when this happened; I saw no difference between us anatomically and was upset enough by it that the memory has stuck with me all these years.

How cool it was when, on twin day, a few kids asked if my friend Gabriel and I (in matching over-alls) were actually twins.

Everytime I said "I'll be the boy!" when playing pretend.

The terribly confusing day at recess when I tried in vain to explain to my girlfriends that I wasn't like them, unable to articulate what I meant, limited as I was to only what boys "should" like to what girls "should" like, when I liked both those things ... I just felt weird.

I tried to be girly and failed, tried to be a tomboy and failed at that, as well. I fit in with my group of nerdy friends, though, so it didn't really matter.


but, you know, I'm ok with my body. This didn't really occur to me until recently. And I worry, you know, that I'm wrong, that I'm just confused.

I mean, I used to think I was straight. I also used to think I was Catholic.

I have a crap track record at knowing myself.

And I can't gloss over the princess costumes, the pink canopy bed, the ballerina tu-tu.

(Although I immediately regretted the pink room. It was something I wanted to want - I liked the idea of it, not the reality of it. It soon was changed to blue.)

I'm OK with my breasts when I'm at home. When I go out, I want to be percieved as male. I enjoy being assumed male, although it bothers me that my voice immediately labels me as "pre-pubescent", as well. I'd be interested in T if it didn't mean I'd get extra body hair (dedicated as I am to androgyny). The only part of being assumed male that I dislike is my fear of being "found out".

I wear mostly men's clothing and sometimes experience terrible body problems when my clothes don't fit properly. I hate having curves.

I also have an eating disorder, so who knows, maybe this is just that showing up in a different way. I don't know.

It is getting weirder to say I'm a "girl". The words stick in my throat now. I don't feel like a "boy" either, though. At least, I don't think I do.

I'm terribly confused.

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:23 PM ----------

(this has gotten worse since my sister found out about my chest-binder and asked me via text if I am "OK with having a vagina" because "having a sister" is really important to her.

So now my gender identity is somehow connected to my sister's anxiety issues, and I'm feeling a bit pressured.)

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:45 PM ----------

(I should maybe add that I'm only REALLY OK with my breasts when I'm naked. When I wear clothes I don't like how they look, but when I'm alone that is partly my eating disorder talking, I think.

I have a lot of ambivalence about my breasts because I didn't go through puberty until I was like 15 and that really bothered me. I wanted to be normal. Kids said I was weird for wearing boys shorts when I moved to a new school so I cut baggy clothes out of my wardrobe and just went totally goth.

I think my issue with breasts was the same as my issue with dresses: I couldn't tell the difference between wanting it for myself and being attracted to it on others. I like girls. I don't like having boobs.

I have sensory issues with clothes were if they are tight and force me to be aware of my physical body I get in a really shit mood. I've cried over skinny jeans. I've cried over my menswear all being TOO baggy due to my hips / general shape.

I have a lot of clothes issues.)

 

I'm really sorry I know I'm writing a book but it has been a very bottled-uup month

it's like

it's like

I'm ok with my female body but my full-length mirror is too short to get my head in the picture so once I stoop down low enough to see ME MY FACE on my body I get like

like I'm used to it because obviously this has been my body since day 1
but recently I've been getting really weirded and I spend a lot of time hating myself for this and feeling ashamed and like a freak of nature

like I can't pick a side in any context I'm bisexual and I don't feel fully male or fully female what is wrong with me

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE

sdflkdjsflkdjasl

 

thanks for your response, nikom87

I think most of my anger is at how late to the game this seems, I guess

I was so oblivious as a kid, and now I sometimes wish I'd never heard the word "genderqueer" because then I'd still be oblivious, albiet uncomfortably so

I've just been getting so UNCOMFORTABLE at night every night, and it feels kind of like depression only different

life doesn't feel meaningless it feels so FRUSTRATING like my stomach is knots and I'm crawling out of my skin

IDK maybe it is just my meds wearing off at night

 

You're not late in the game dear. Trust me this I know. I have always hated a certain part of my body and didn't tell anyone until three years ago. At which I came out as transgender. But with the un asked help of my very traditional Catholic family members I was told I was crazy *which I know I am not* and shamed back into the closet for three more years.

So I do understand that having grown up in a religion that is very black and white in its views can make things a little harder on your own ideas of who you feel you are.
But you have SO much time, there is no time limit on when you need to find yourself. Take whatever time you need to learn about yourself.

I am just relearning what it means to be transgender, and I understand its not an easy thing to try to understand who or what you are. You are a human being. Start with that, and take your time. So remember you are not alone, and it is possible to take baby steps and to learn at your own pace.(*hug*)

 

I just want to thank every one of you for your replies

They are all so validating and I really feel so much better right now than I did earlier tonight

I honestly expected someone to say that I'm probably just a confused cis girl, but you are all so supportive :')