I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, so it's hard to put it all into words. I've been really questioning my gender for the past few months. I'm biologically male but for a few years I've been aware that I had a female aspect to myself and it's just gotten stronger over time. I realized I was more comfortable thinking as a girl quite a while ago through roleplaying, but I didn't think about it that much until three years ago when one of the friends I was playing with online refused to believe I was a boy because she thought I understood women's feelings too well. She asked me "Are you sure you're not a girl?" and I realized I really couldn't answer the question. After that I started identifying in my mind more as a female and let that part of me develop, but I made it a separate identity instead of dealing with it. I wanted to focus on my real problems: the depression that had been spiralling out of control for around 10 years and the anxiety and irritation that were making it impossible to deal with people. So then, three years after what should have been my first clue, I was extremely depressed again and watching a transwoman's video blog, and something slapped me in the face repeatedly. Dysphoria?! You mean gender might actually have something to do with feeling increasingly trapped and angry for most of your life? :bang: I never once thought in elementary school 'I am a girl.' I felt restricted and impulsive and got in trouble alot; I felt bothered at how mean and arbitrary catholic school teachers were; In kindergarten I got yelled at for having a ponytail and then sent to another teacher to be yelled at again, but I never thought 'I am a girl.' My genitalia don't bother me much either, though I've never had the fixation on them alot of men seem to have. They're just there. My sex drive might be basically nonexistent but I still don't feel comfortable with the idea of SRS. There are other parts of my body that do bother me, but I didn't 'know from when I was a child I was in the wrong body' so I didn't really think about the possibility. Before I connected dysphoria to anything I assumed I was bipolar, but even my most manic period of high school makes more sense now: I'd started dating girls. I fell in love with one. I remember telling her I was jealous of her but not being able to explain why. I remember playfully trying on her skirt when she changed out of it. And then one time sex got involved and I hit a wall of anxiety. I felt withdrawn into my head thinking about why I was so tense. It's never been an issue of attraction, just unexplained panic that has something to do with me and not her. In college a male friend even pointed out to me with much amusement that when I talk to a woman I imitate her body language. (I'd never noticed before.) But here's the problem: I don't trust myself. Did I really miss all these signs or is my interpretation completely off? I'm not sure I explained things very well but I've been typing for hours now so it will have to do.
Just because you didn't "see the signs" doesn't make you being trans any less of a possibility. Take time to look through this. It'll take time, but I assure you that managing to find your identity will relieve some of your pain, even before transition, if that is the path you choose to take. Also, you don't have to have SRS to be properly trans. Some people might try to tell you what trans is and tell you what you are, but it's an impossibly large spectrum. Do some more thinking and research and eventually you'll begin to understand yourself.
Its kinda strange how we come across our "dysphoria" what is even stranger at times is how we express it... I know what its like to go through the catholic system... i been through that wringer a few times lol... I know every persons journey is different but it always seems to me that they all have a similar feel to them... it is hard for me to explain without a 5 page essay on the topic... but if you believe you are a transgender who the f___ are they to tell you you're not... that seems to be a problem with some transexual groups these days... they believe that if you are not interested in getting surgery you aren't one of them... i have this problem where I am... anyway you are who you believe you are... and that being said you can change your mind as you go and start to understand yourself better... they tell me I am not a trans because I "can" live as a male... though they do not realize that if I had the money I would be on the first plane to Thailand to get my surgery... its not always apparent how people are when they are first coming out its not what is on the table that defines you... it is what is in your heart...
Well said sister. Being Trans* is knowing deep down who you are supposed to be, not what other people tell you. It's sad how even in the Trans* community there are splintered fractions who think they are better than others. I identify myself as a Transsexual for various reasons; but that doesn't give me any power or status over other women. Elitism of any kind is just ignorant.
I often thought my dysphoria was garden variety depression, lack of self confidence, bipolar disorder, etc. I still do sometimes.
The only thing I'll comment on is the genitalia thingy you mentioned. I was fine with my body like you said but it got worse, and the closer I got to transitioning the less sense it made. I went from being indifferent to hating it. I went from deciding to either not do SRS or be neutral to it, now I daydream about it all the time and can't stand my... tumors. It might not be the same for you since mine became a lot more insightful as I entered a more physical relationship, but just go with the flow and with what makes sense at the time.
Thanks everyone for being so supportive! (*hug*) Honestly I posted because I've been thinking of starting therapy but I've never even put these things into words so I wasn't sure I could express it properly to someone else. I'm still not sure I did a very good job but at least it's clearer in my head after trying. This makes me feel better. Doubts are the worst part right now. And the rest of you helped too, I've definitely had the 'not trans enough' fears about trying to talk to other trans people about it.
Weirdly, I had the exact opposite reaction. Perspective is strange like that! I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, OP. I don't recall a lot of specific moments in my life where I went "I'm a girl" either. I think with me it was just a matter of ignoring myself, dissociating from my body, getting to the point where I would just avoid mirrors and avoid having to think about who I am. That's how dysphoria manifested with me - wilful ignorance and depression.
You're welcome hun! (*hug*) We are all friends here and are more than willing to help. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask. ^_^
