I've been really, really confused lately about who I am... I really just want someone else's opinion because I don't think I'm the state of mind to really draw this conclusion on my own. (I'm a really indecisive person so it helps a lot) So, here's what I know about myself: I've always been different since I was a little kid. I was always really shy and introverted so I never did just a whole lot, but I remember some of things I did do as a child and they aren't typically considered boy things. I've always been really feminine even since I was a little kid. I remember playing more pretend games and there was even time that I played with dolls (though I got made fun of by my family and friends so I never did it again) and I had a girl friend that had an easy-bake oven that I LOVED. I remember that they always kept my hair short and I hated that so much, but I eventually got to grow it out. I remember that I even pretended to be a girl a few times when no one was around. I never really thought that I did all those things because I was a girl though, and I think that's because I didn't know there was a gender barrier until I was in 3rd or 4th grade. The problems didn't start until I hit puberty. All of a sudden I was really depressed all the time, and I assumed it was because I was lonely because most of the kids I knew had already dated at least one person. (gotta love peer pressure, right?) So I started trying to date and I was rejected multiple times. That was really depressing me even more so I started to imagine the perfect person FOR me. That's when the first thought hit me because I realized I was imagining a female version of myself. I liked the thought honestly, but it did scare me when it wouldn't go away after a few days so I buried it and tried to be more masculine. (it was a vain attempt) I finally did get a girlfriend and it was great for a few months, but now it's really one sided and I've come to realize that a lot of the things that are asked of me are the things that I wish someone would do for me... Lately, I've been trying to come to terms with the thoughts and accept them but I've fallen into a cycle of "almost acceptance, then a relapse of fear." I'm afraid of what people will think, especially my family, and especially my girlfriend (because I do love her very much). I also feel ashamed and angry at myself because of all of this and I don't even like to look at myself in a mirror anymore. The worst part of all of it is that even thought it's really stressful and makes me feel ashamed, I wouldn't change the thoughts and feelings if I had the chance. I really enjoy being feminine and it's a part of who I am. I think I'm just really, really afraid... I know if I don't do something soon I might regret but I'm afraid that I will do something and then regret it too... It's all so confusing and I really just need help... :tears:
Are you repulsed by your genitals at all? Do you wish you lived the life of the opposite sex? Do you feel as though you were born in the wrong body? These are just a few questions you can ask yourself, if you said yes to all of them, then you most likely are Trans*. Now I don't declare myself a trans* expert, but I am one myself so I'm just going off my experiences. There's nothing to be ashamed of though. It's just a part of who you are. And I think a lot of us are scared of the unknown. I know I am. Some days I don't have any dysphoria and I think that I'm fine, and that I'm crazy for actually thinking that I need to go through the change. But then there are days where I can't think straight because I know people see me as a girl and not a guy.
I really don't know how to explain it other than just being afraid. I didn't used to feel repulsed by my body but lately I just can't even stand to look at myself. Not only that, but I'm afraid of how my family and those around me will react. They're very important to me and I don't want to lose them...
Well I really can't straight up tell you what your gender identity. That's really not my place to do unfortunately. I will say that a lot of what you said I can personally relate to, and it does seem pretty congruent to experiences commonly discussed by other transgender people.
Hi IndigoWaves! This is a really hard thing to understand, and I still find myself coming to terms with it. But the way I see it you've got three different problems: You need to figure out who you are and make friends with that first. Then you need to figure out what kind of life you want to live. And then you need to figure out how you're going to accomplish that. That first step is the most important one. It's real easy to feel ashamed and angry with yourself. Because you and I were taught at a real early age that everything feminine is something to be ashamed of. It so isn't. If anything you and I should be proud of the fact that we can get by day to day in a pair of shoes that don't fit. I don't know you at all but I know succeeding in that attempt to be masculine would not have made you feel better, just because it's still you trying to be something you aren't. That's the problem with living a lie, it just gets worse the more you succeed at it. It's also important because you're going to have a lot of people trying to get you to question yourself even after you make a decision when you come out. People will have little "litmus tests" for you and they'll say "have you tried <something you've tried a million times>"... I think you can imagine what I'm getting at. You're really going to have to know who you are at your core really well because the people in your life are not going to be shy about what they think the best answer for you is. And once you do, and you can keep little reminders about yourself and who you really are around, it's way way easier to deal with everything. I gave advice a while ago and I said I was "becoming a woman" twice in that thread, but I think that's wrong. I'm not becoming anything. I'm just not afraid to be myself any more. What I found out about me is that a lot of those relapses were because I wasn't separating "who am I" from "how do I deal with who I am" in my mind. Like if I could somehow reject who I am then I wouldn't "have to" transition, or like transitioning or some other experience could turn around and define who I am. You don't have to prove your gender or "transness" to anyone. You are who you are. But as to how to deal with it, that's a daily struggle. There really isn't any advice anyone can give you there over the internet. A therapist can help. You had the guts to come here, so if you have the guts to go to an LGBTQ center and make friends there, they can help. Having a friend that knows who you can talk to helps more than anything. Finding a hobby you can get good at helps. Once you know who you are and who you want to be though, it becomes a million times easier to deal with things as they come up no matter what. I also want to add, waiting until you're living on your own is a totally valid and even smart decision for a lot of people. Don't rush it. People older than me transition. The hardest thing for me and I think a lot of us LGBT people is, some of this is going to hurt other people. That's not your fault. People just can't handle change and losing the old you, even if the old you wasn't a real person. It would hurt if you kept up the act too. I think it's also easy to look at the whole process and it's way overwhelming and scary. So don't look at the whole process. Just figure out how you can get through the day every day. Eventually you'll start looking in the mirror and see the person you are inside peeking through more and more, and so will other people. Hey and something else that makes me mad as far as the way the world works with trans* stuff. Don't hurt yourself. Just don't. There's this idea out there that you should only transition if it's your last resort. That's crap. You don't have to hurt yourself to be trans* . Trans* is just something you are, and if you decide you want to transition, you don't have to prove you are serious or broken. You don't have to be afraid of yourself or what you'll do. That's what pisses me off; the "transition as a last resort or else" attitude people get, it gets to you, and gets you thinking dark thoughts needlessly. It's hard enough being who we are; we don't have to let things get terrible to do something about what isn't working in our lives. I'm saying that as someone that did wait until things got real bad before seeing a therapist by the way. This isn't a decision to make lightly, but it is your decision. If you decide one day that living as a woman is in your best interests, just do it. Don't seek people's permission, because people will put the bar for granting it in a ridiculously and needlessly high place. Do work with therapists and endo doctors who are on your side. This is serious stuff you need people who know what they're doing for. But don't work with people trying to make decisions for you. If you figure out you are transgendered or even transsexual (and what the difference is to you because a lot of us disagree) then that is your choice. It's also your choice how far you go with everything. The goal should be you living a happy and successful life without feeling like you have something to hide, and being proud of who you are.
Thank you all so much for answering. I really just need to see things from another persons perspective before I can make a judgement call. I think I've always known in the back of my mind that I am trans* and I'm just someone that seeks validation, but now I kind of realize that I'm the one that has to validate it. Thank you all for your answers they were really helpful in giving me an outside opinion.
