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Taking baby steps. That's all I need right now.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tatertot, Mar 7, 2013.

  1. Tatertot

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    Hey there. I'm going to copy & paste something I had put in my introduction thread onto here, as it explains very well for you to understand why I'm needing some help.


    "Basically the entire reason I'm here, the whole reason I made an account on EmptyClosets is because I'm questioning myself so horribly, that I've lost track of who I am. I thought some things a little while ago, regarding my sexuality. But I realized I was wrong. I was a walking lie. I don't want to keep living in fear anymore. I have this constant cloud of darkness in my mind 24/7 because I have no idea who I am. No idea. Not anymore. I need help, guys. I hope I don't sound negative, or like I'm begging or looking for attention. Because I'm not trying to appear that way. I just need help. I'm on the verge of giving up, really, I'd kind of like to. But I wasn't raised that way. You can't have 'no' in your heart. I refuse to give up after I've come this far.

    So, to sum it up, I'm here to hopefully find out who the hell I am. And maybe meet some wonderful new friends along the way. My journey that once was, does not exist anymore. I'm starting fresh. And this time, I'm going to find myself."

    You see. Around Feb. of last year, I was 100% certain I was a lesbian. I mean, certain. I even told around 2 or 3 very close friends. [Whom now I don't ever see] But one day, I realized that I was a walking lie. I would see guys on the television that I thought were attractive, then scolded myself for thinking such things, because I was only suppose to be attracted to girls. Even when I'd talk to a guy at my school. I'd feel butterflies. I'd blush. I'd want to flirt. But I couldn't. I had declared myself a lesbian. But it was a lie. Why I thought I was, I don't know. I don't know anything about myself anymore. Last summer, I crumbled apart. When you don't know your own sexuality, what your attracted to, or your gender, you start to question everything you've ever done and or said. And that's just what I did. Now I'm sitting here, typing on my laptop, depressed. Because I don't know who I am. How can you live, how can you love someone else, when you don't even know and love yourself?

    I need your help, EC members. Honestly. What are some first, possibly small baby steps I can take to finding out who I am again, this time for real? How did you find out your sexuality?

    Thank you so so much for reading my giant chunk of writing. Sorry. It was probably a bit of a pain to read. :c

    Love & kissies,
    Tatertot.
     
  2. I really just took a leap of faith I just came out as bi. ( I'm not questioning anymore I should probably change my status)
    And it is really difficult, I understand where you are I have been there, once I almost committed suside but I recovered by, getting a yourki getting a shrink and avoiding all people that make me feel really bad about my life and my self. Really you should message me sometime.


    Edit-like I'm not kidding message me anytime you want
     
  3. Tatertot

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    You sound really knowledgeable. Thanks so much for the help. I will definitely message you. ♥

    I'd still love to hear some other peoples opinions/advice on this. :slight_smile:
     
  4. wandering i

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    The confusion and questioning is so familiar and fresh to me. You are not alone at all. I think of it like being blown about by a powerful storm; constantly trying to get your bearings, you keep getting pushed around and can't tell up from down sometimes. But the storm will calm and although the winds and waters may still be rough, you will find yourself again. It takes time and unfortunately some trial and error which can be painful and distressing. But please keep in mind that it is possible for sexuality and even gender identity to shift and change over time. This doesn't invalidate who you were before or what you have been through. It only means you are going through a different part of your life. Learning more about your sexuality and being in contact with other gender/sexual minorities should help you understand what you can do to not only feel stable, but also happy, no matter what that orientation or identity might be.
    I'm very glad you found a forum like this. If you ever need to, please message me or the moderators and staff. Everyone here is sympathetic to you and what you are going through now.
     
  5. Tatertot

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    @wandering i: Wow. <3 I'm at a loss for words. That helped me so much, really. Thank you for taking time out of your day to type that. It truly did help. You're absolutely right, it takes time, trial and error, and it can even change overtime. You made me see that there is a bright side, and that there is people who can help. Thank you. <3
     
  6. wandering i

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    It's probably unavoidable to worry and stress over questioning. But what has given me hope and some inner peace is accepting that how I feel now is real, and I understand my situation more sensitively and with greater context than anyone else. So I must trust myself and continue to feed my understanding of what gender identity and sexuality are to society and to myself.

    I recognized at some point that digging in my heels and fighting was making my life miserable, and have decided since to go with the flow and allow myself to live "as if I were" and see how far it takes me.

    It's your life so it will not be just the same as mine, but I hope my take on it will offer some help. If nothing else, I and others are glad to be here to listen to your story.
     
  7. Tatertot

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    It's very hard, trying not to worry about it. It's a thought that's constantly in the back of my mind all day. When you don't know who you are, and you're too much of a coward to ask for help from someone who will listen to you and love you no matter what [my mother], it's very stressful. But yeah.. You're right about that. I need to trust myself and continue to grow knowledge about the situation.

    And yeah, I'm kinda at that point right now. I'm starting to get really tired of fighting all the time, and it's taking it's toll on me.

    You really are helping me, wandering i. Honest. ^^ <3 I appreciate it more than you know. And I'm going to post my story in one of the forums shortly, just to get it all off my chest.
     
  8. wandering i

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    Glad to hear it. I'm very, very familiar with the feeling of being lost and exhausted daily. The last year has been especially intense as I reached a point of being unable to continue living a female role and had to discover, re-educate, and accept myself as transsexual. Having always thought of myself as straight and cis, it has been quite a trip.
    Discovering oneself and fighting through the misconceptions of society is a messy, difficult process, and there will be a fight waiting for you on the other side. But it can be done and there are people who want to support you so that you can be yourself and find happiness. We deserve life and love just as much as everyone else.
     
  9. Tatertot

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    Exactly. I couldn't of said it better myself. Thank you so much for helping me out. You're very knowledgeable and assuring. It's comforting to know that you can find yourself, it just takes some time and effort. I just finished posting my story, too. It feels very good to have let it out.
     
  10. Etak

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    I really relate to this. I'm actually having a lot of the same thoughts right now. I'm more physically and emotionally attracted to girls, but I have emotional crushes on guys, and am sometimes mildly attracted to one. All I can tell you is what my friend told me. Your sexuality is important, but it does not define you. Whether you're lesbian, bi, straight, pan, or even just confused, it doesn't change who you are. You'll figure it out in time. I know the wait is the hardest part, but try not to beat yourself up.
     
  11. Oh Tatertot, I think we were cut from different ends of the same cloth. I'm taking baby steps myself, but I've only been at it for a couple months, only in the last couple weeks did I find EC here. It's truly helped me organize my thoughts and accept my feminine identity. First off, there's always a chance you're bisexual. For over a decade I struggled in private wondering if I was gay, because my attraction to men was STRONG on a physical basis.
    Lately I've come to realize that just like my random bouts of cross dressing, all my moments of gay fun (in which I was never the dominant partner) were simply my feminine side bursting out and taking over. The kicker to my situation is that I'm deeply in love with my wife, working up the nerve to tell her I'm transgender, and praying she stays with me. I've always known that I couldn't see myself in a real emotional relationship with a man, I'm a bisexual, male-bodied lesbian. Being with a man will always feel natural and easy for me, but my heart belongs to women.
    Maybe this isn't like you at all. Everybody's road is different, what's important is knowing and being truly comfortable with your own. And good luck to you, too. (*hug*)