So I've recently made some changes in my life and have way more flexibility as far as being myself. I'm getting back in the saddle in school and actually feel like a responsible adult again for a change. Depression's lifting, and the people in my life that were not too fond of the idea of me changing are starting to at least get used to it. I mean I can get things done again! And it's even way easier. One thing I don't think I'll get the hang of for a while, though, is days like today when I've got to go out as a guy. It totally feels right now like this, me wearing guy's clothes, is me cross-dressing, and what I was wearing last night was really me. I've gotta get back into the act, and that's what worries me. It feels like an act again. I mean, I got really used to my role as a guy before I let the genie out of the bottle about me being transgendered. It was exhausting when I was closeted and everything sucked sure, and I still always felt like I had a lot to keep track of from way back before when I was (mis?)gendered as a kid, but now that whole feeling is kicked up a whole dozen notches. I did a few things. I let my hair grow out on my face (it feels absolutely disgusting but it really helps me at least... feels weird saying this, get into character?) and used the guy-smelling soap in the shower. I just recently talked about HRT with my therapist for the first time, and I know even when I get that started that takes forever, so I'm going to be going back and forth for a while yet. Soooo... I feel like an actress in a gorilla costume. I'm not saying I'm really convincing when I'm being a girl at home. But... I dunno. It's probably gonna get harder and harder to switch as time goes on and I guess that's a huge reason for my coming out transgendered to begin with. I feel like I can do it if I keep a little part of me around. I'm rocking out to my L7 and Joan Jett right now and that's putting me in a good headspace. But, well, what are some tricks 'yall use to dealing with this?
I sort of know what you mean. I've always loathed guy mode; but there are times where I didn't mind cross-dressing as one. Guys tend to have way cooler designs on their shirts. That and it is rather difficult to find girl shirts for a 6 foot tall woman. I've never been a fan of blood restricting super tight girl jeans, so wearing a set of lax guy pants just felt more comfortable. Cross-dressing as a guy is perfectly normal. Heck, girls wear guy clothes all the time. But then there is the dreaded facial hair. Having to shave it every day does become tiresome. Some days I just didn't feel up to the effort. I have to grow mine out now for electrolysis, so I have no choice but to confront that dysphoria daily. I do have some tricks that I learned to play it off though. I wear a full-face scarf and carry a Quran around. People see the Quran and just assume I'm covering my face due to my religion. Whatever works right? :lol: When I did do guy mode I pretended that I was playing a part in a play. By growing out your facial hair you are immersing yourself into that part. When dysphoria would set in I would remind myself that my acting was so convincing that people was really buying my facade. At the end of the day I would return home, hang up that male roleplay and become myself again. Whenever I had the chance I would go out as myself though. My advice would be to continue to go out as yourself to counter-balance having to play that male part in certain aspects of your life. Don't let guy mode consume your life. Yes his presence is stressful, but right now he is necessary to function safely in certain situations.
I'm still learning to deal with it. I honestly feel like at this point I feel like I'm not really a man or a woman. Like, I still don't feel like the woman I want to, but yet I feel like I don't play the act of a man like I used to be able to either. Its weird and confusing and I'm sick of jumping through hoops trying to look like a man and then a woman. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice but I did want to give you a (*hug*) and let you know that you can always let me know if you wanna hang out and get tea again sometime to talk! Good luck and grats on telling your therapist!
