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Where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by PurpleRain, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. PurpleRain

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    Location:
    Skyrim... I have no life, and enjoy it. :D
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I've been out to myself since early January, and despite a few small relapses I've been doing really well. I've been giving myself some time to get used to the idea of being a woman before I come out to anyone else. I've run into a little bit of a problem though: I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I've gotten to the point where I'm happy and comfortable with who I am, but I don't know that it's a good idea to come out. My parents are under a lot of stress and I don't want to give them anything else to stress out about, but the thing is there's always a lot of stress here. I want to come out to my mom more than anyone because I feel that she'd understand and I feel bad because I feel like I'm lying to my own family... I'd come out to friends, but I don't really have any and I can't come out to my girlfriend because she wouldn't be understanding at all... I don't have a car either so I can't go to therapy without someone's help. I feel trapped and alone and it's really starting to depress me... Does anyone have any idea what I should do? If I should come out to my mom, when? Thank you in advance for any help. :slight_smile:
     
  2. J Snow

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    There are therapists that offer sessions via the Internet. Perhaps you should try doing some research on that option.
     
  3. PurpleRain

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    Location:
    Skyrim... I have no life, and enjoy it. :D
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've thought about it before because I've seen those online sessions, but it feels impersonal to me. I'd love to have a friend to tell, but the thing is I'm so introverted because I don't feel like myself in this body so it's hard to make friends... :\
     
  4. Sinopaa

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    Location:
    Uh...*pushes Onstar*
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You need a hug hun. (*hug*) Coming out is a hard process. But please do not feel as if you are lying by hiding; you are simply surviving in a society that does not understand who you are. The problem is that you will need transportation in order to really kick-start your journey. Age is also a big factor. If you are under 18 you will need a parents consent for a lot of things. Gather material and information about being Transgendered and ask your Mom for some of her time to tell her. Trying to transition on your own is very difficult. Coming out to a parent is a very big step, so don't rush into it. After you come out to her come back and let us know how it went. Knowing her reaction will help us to be able to gauge how easy or difficult the next steps will be.

    What I advise here is finding a local GLBT group to join. Talking to another Trans* will help take a load off of your shoulders. If you can't find another Trans* locally there's always us here. (&&&)
     
  5. PurpleRain

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    Location:
    Skyrim... I have no life, and enjoy it. :D
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for your answer! I'm actually about to head off to college in the fall and I've heard that it's a little easier there (still not easy though). I want to come out at GSA in my school, but my girlfriend is also a member and I can't tell her... I told her I was bisexual before and she denounced it because I "didn't want to have sex with a guy" and I said that because I'm in a committed relationship with a girl. That doesn't mean I'm not attracted... Imagine if I came out as a woman. Anyway, I'm being a complainy-pants. Your post is very helpful, I'll of course report back any information. I really need a gauge of how tough it might be...
     
  6. wandering i

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    I also came out to myself in January and am holding back from coming out to my parents because of the burden it may put on them (my mom especially). So I may understand how you feel, in some ways. First of all, congratulations on finding comfort and confidence in who you are. For me, that was a tremendous relief.

    Second, you said that you're unable to get to therapy on your own. Is there public transportation in your town? You may not have experience with riding the bus or even taking a taxi (as long as the price isn't too high- you can call the company and ask about this kind of thing), but if you find a clinic that can help with gender dysphoria, you could schedule an appointment to talk to them. Even if that clinic won't be able to help you for age/money/location reasons, they should be able to point you in the direction of resources you can use. Since you're going to a college town, that should open up a lot of opportunities that might be missing in a less liberal area.

    Last- you've got the right idea with what you told your girlfriend. I hope that with time and exposure to information about bisexuals and transgendered people, she may understand and accept. But for many people, there is too much misinformation everywhere and it's tragically common to be completely ignorant. I'll pass this along to you, in case you need it: Answers to your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression
    When I get up the gall, I will definitely use this to help me explain things to my mom.

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to drop me a message on my wall or a private message. And once again- Congratulations!
     
  7. Sinopaa

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Coming out has a variety of responses. It can range from outright rejection and being thrown out of your house (worst case), to full acceptance with an offer to help (best case), and anything in between. I don't know your family, but I can give you some advice on what we all go through while coming out at Trans*.

    Chances are anyone you come out to will not understand what being Trans* is and will never understand what Gender Dysphoria feels like. This is because a non-Trans* person is comfortable in their skin. They may struggle with various flaws about their body like weight or height, but they still feel as if it is their body. Trying to explain the pain that you feel being in the wrong body is a concept that is too foreign for a non-Trans* person to grasp. And this does not just apply to straight people; it also applies to GLB as well. This is called the Trans* barrier. It is a wall that unless you are Trans* yourself will never be passed with someone else. The best result you can get is for a non-Trans* person to see that you are in some kind of distress and are unhappy. They may sympathize with your pain, but they can never fully understand to empathize with it.

    Non-Trans* people have a very difficult time not judging based on outside appearance. People like to act based on sight; if someone sees that you look like a guy their brain automatically adjusts to a set of gender interaction standards to what they are seeing. Guys will be more inclined treat you like a "bro" and become confused when you act and present feminine mannerisms. Throw on a dress and you're going to put a guy into panic mode as they won't know how to handle it. That is because they could never comprehend why someone who looks like a guy would ever want to wear a dress. They will not be able to understand that you are just being a normal girl.

    Well, that mindset works the same way with parents. To your parents you are their son. No matter how feminine you look or act you are still going to be perceived as male to them. Your biggest hurdle is to convince them that you are not confused about your gender roles. You must inform them that you can not be "fixed" into being their son again. Do your best to present information to them that explains that your brain does not match your body. It is frustrating as people simply will not understand. What you're going for is not to get them to understand your problems 100%; rather you are looking for a level of acceptance that works for everyone. Hopefully you can get your Mom to accept and support you enough to help you see a Gender Specialist. Chances are your Dad is going to take your coming out much harder, so work on your Mom first and get her on your side. Good luck! :thumbsup:
     
    #7 Sinopaa, Mar 8, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2013
  8. PurpleRain

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    See the thing is she said that she's Bisexual and that's why she's in GSA. I'm the only (supposed) straight supporting member at my school. Only the teacher that oversees the club knows I'm trans at this point, but he's gay and so he couldn't offer me much help outside of a safe haven and I understand that. Unfortunately I live in a rural community where public transportation is out of the question... But Congratulation to you too! I probably will drop by your wall sometime. :grin:
     
  9. wandering i

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    Sinopaa's post is excellent and brings up a very good point I glossed over. Coming out to parents can have very real consequences, so I would avoid it until you have a good support network and game plan in case things end up the worst case scenario. My therapist is currently helping me through this process and I strongly recommend looking into what is available in your college town. If you look into what's on campus now, you can go in to talk with them and get an idea of other resources right away to help you.

    If you talk to your girlfriend more seriously about being bisexual and she still shoots you down, just remember that gender/sexual minorities can also be bigoted, homophobic, or just plain stubborn or wrong sometimes. I'm glad that you are confident in who you are.
     
  10. rabbit1

    rabbit1 Guest

    i agree with you on that, a local lgbt group is very helpful, and can answer alot of question, and give great advice.