So the last couple months I've been questioning my gender identity. I've always been boyish but I never really knew much about what it meant to be transgender. When I was little I always acted like a little boy. Wore boys clothes (expect when my mom forced me to wear dress-which were taken off as soon as possible.) I loved toy cars, video games, basketball, football, and being outdoors. I'd mimic my dad: wear his suites, wear nothing but boxers, pretended to shave along side him, watched action movies with him, fished with him, ate like him. Hell my mom even to this day say we're twins. In elementary I was just myself. I know alot of trans people say they've known they were the opposite gender since childhood. I was just me. I wasn't completely one of the boys. But I sure as hell was not one of the girls. The guys treated me like one of them, while afew other kids behind my back would make comments like "why don't you just go turn into a boy!" (Which never really seemed reasonable- until now.) And yeah, I never saw a difference between male and female really. Except that our privates were different but that didn't seem at all important. So my mom always had problems trying to say it WAS a big deal. Middle school, puberty seemed to ruin all the comfort I had within my group of male friends. The new guys saw me as a girl, and they didn't want to hang out with girls. Even when I joined the football team, guys still tried to go easy on me- though i didn't return the favor. Being pushed away from my male group of friends I checked out a new group of people. Girls. They were punk rock girls, so they weren't too girly. I tried out chick clothes the first time in my life. And I straightened my hair and used makeup. It was really uncomfortable but I tried my best to be a normal-ish girl. Freshmen year I was depressed. Horribly so. My childhood friend and the guys pretty much abandoned me all the girls I knew went on to a different high school. I still wore the chick clothes to not draw alot of attention, but I covered it in hoodies since I still found it uncomfortable. Sophomore year I began to slowly drug myself out of the hole I dug myself in. Now Junior year, I'm starting to feel a little like my old self again. I'm even starting to wear guys clothes again. I never let go of my male interests and mannerisms. In the fall I came out as Pan sexual. And while being out I realized something: my mannerisms are extremely masculine. The couple boyfriends I had in middle, I hated being treated like a girl by them. I felt insulted that they'd hold a door open, or pull out a chair (though i am grateful for the thought.) It felt weird to be taken care of. Since elementary and especially in middle school with the female friends, I'd be very helpful and protective of them. I'd lift, carry and hold heavy stuff for them. I'd reach stuff down to them. I'd protect them from mean girls or jerk guys. I'd hold doors and give them my jacket. Hell, I even swept one of them off their feet! (And this is back when I identified as straight too.) This is where I'm wondering: Was my issue with gender the cause of my depression? Was I just very influenced by my male peers/role model? Am I just a masculine girl/ tomboy? Butch? (Though I'm pretty uncomfortable with being seen as one.) Maybe I'm genderqueer. What do you guys think about this?
Hi! Welcome to Empty Closets! How do you feel about pronouns? Do you want to change your body? These are essential questions to whether it makes sense to identify as male and transition. If you will be satisfied with people using female pronouns, and with your body as it is, as long as you can be yourself and wear the clothes you like, and Why are you uncomfortable to be seen as butch? All these terms are overlapping, rather than being totally discreet and separate from each other. There are some people who are very definitely (trans) men and would never identify as butch or as a tomboy. But there are a lot of people who are in more of a gray area about it. A lot of people who identify as butch relate to trans issues very well. Genderqueer is a very broad category, and can definitely apply to people who also identify with any of the other terms (but some people will not identify with it). If you don't have any distress about your body or about people using female pronouns for you, there is really no need to transition. Just wear the clothes that feel right to you, and act the way that feels right to you; if that's enough, stick with that. It is completely reasonable that you would be depressed from being forced into behavior that is more feminine than is natural to you. It doesn't have to mean that you are or want to be male. It's just not really accurate to say that "butch" and "trans" and "genderqueer" are totally separate things that have nothing to do with each other. Some people are clearly one or the other, but for some people it is sort of a gray area. Some people feel kinship with all three. Ultimately, you need to choose for yourself which identities feel right to you. But there is nothing wrong with being butch. You should read Ivan Coyote's work. She lately identifies as female, but has identified with butch for a long time. For a long time, she would say that she was just uncomfortable with all pronouns, but she has settled on female pronouns at last. I think her take on chivalry would resonate with you. Here's her piece called "A Butch Roadmap": [youtube]pN-py8zojfk[/youtube]
Thanks for the reply. The video was really interesting. I agree with a lot that she had to say. I'm not sure why I'm uncomfortable with the word butch. Maybe because I'm afraid to be one or to fall into a stereotype. Also in the area I live there's a lot of hate toward butches. Body image, I've always had issues with that. Being little I was jealous and frustrated on not having a penis. As a preteen my chest annoyed me for being in the way and giving people the wrong idea. I don't like how my hips fit in men's pants. But these things are minor and I've got to the point where all I can say is, "deal with it, it's the only body you have." Would being male have made things easier? Sure. But it didn't happen that way. And I've always been taught that stuff like plastic surgery for aesthetic reasons was wrong. So I'm not sure that if I had the option to change (say taking Testosterone) I'd go for it. I feel selfish for considering changing myself just because I'm unhappy with my body or people don't see me the way I want them to. Pronouns don't really do anything to me. Being called Sir or Ma'am, I act the same to either really. It's always been pretty cool to be mistaken as a guy even with long hair. But not something that was needed to be used. Only time I'd even be uncomfortable with male pronouns is when I was trying to dress more feminine. If anything I'm extremely uncomfortable with my name. It's very feminine and never felt right. I usually like to be called by my last name since it's more gender neutral.
It's definitely possible your gender identity questions led to you feeling depressed-- then again, depression can also occur for a multitude of other reasons! Being true to what you feel again sounds like a good first step. At the same time, I would be wary of trying to force yourself into a category. There's no one way to be trans, it's true, but transitioning tends to be kind of a last resort for many people. Try spending a weekend in a place people don't know you. What do you automatically revert to feeling about your presentation? How do you introduce yourself? Do you see an average guy on the street and want to have that? Do you struggle with the double standards society places on men and women, and could that be affecting how you feel? Imo these are good questions to ask yourself when trying to find the differences between genderqueer and transgender.
You can change your name to whatever you want. People will take some time to get used to it, but they will get there. Or just do what you're doing, and go by your last name. I encourage you to look up more by Ivan Coyote. She's great. Notice that she goes by "Ivan." I'm pretty sure this isn't the name her parents gave her, either. Ultimately, only you can decide what's right for you. But the decision whether to identify as a man is probably mostly about whether you want to actually transition or be referred to as a man--if neither of those has to do with you, it would make more sense to choose a butch or genderqueer identity. (There are butches and genderqueers that use male pronouns, but people who identify as men pretty much always do.)
Yeah i've been looking into Ivan's stuff and spent the evening watching her videos. After watching her vids, reading some info, and thinking about it, i'm just ganna chill out. Though it'd be nice to have something to call myself, i dont need to try and fit into a category. Maybe later in life i'll be ready to seriously consider transition. For now I'll do my thing and continue to study gender and how comlex it is.
Society may tell you that a woman has to be one thing or another, and if she doesn't fit in this very narrow slice of acceptable femininity, she should be bullied or dismissed. But this is completely ridiculous. Women can be muscular and wear boxers, be tremendous athletes, soldiers, and successful in business and other roles of authority. Men, also, are not always jocks or lumberjacks. Men can be feminine and women can be masculine. To me, seeing a woman with a shaved head, a muscular body, and an attitude that will kick the world in the ass if it tries to mess with her, makes me very happy and proud of her. But I'm just as proud of my feminine female friends with their dresses and makeup who are living within the cultural "norm". Being a woman is not easy no matter how one presents oneself. A beautiful woman gets called names and dismissed for being beautiful, and anyone outside of that 'normal beautiful' is also called names and dismissed. Are you frustrated with how your gender is defined by others and desire to break out of others' expectations? If so, I suggest you discover exactly what would make you feel like who you want to be. Changing genders or changing your body may or may not be the answer.
I was right with you there Homsar955, until you stated that you felt uncomfortable when trying to dress more feminine, but were instead addressed as sir, or by the "wrong" pronoun. For most trans people, I've found that if they are attempting to both dress and behave, according to their biological genitalia, but they are perceived as their preferred gender instead, they usually interpret that gesture as a compliment. Most would not feel uncomfortable. Therefore, I think that you're correct in giving it more time to think it over. Besides, there are so many options available. I've known butch-acting straight women, effeminate-acting lesbians, butch lesbians, butch female bisexuals (or pansexuals), and mtf transgenders. Many transgenders have always known their true gender almost as if from birth. Then there are those who've never quite felt that comfortable with their assigned biological genitalia, but they then realize later that it just doesn't quite suit their soul. For these types of transgenders, it may take more time to sort things out. Eventually you'll come to terms either way. Once you've arrived at that place, you will know for certain. I promise! Meanwhile, just relax.... Have fun and enjoy life!
Right now I'm not completely sure how i feel on gender role v gender identity. While I know i take on a masculine role I'm not sure how much i identify as male/female. I've never really thought about it, i'm just so used toeveryone telling me im not a guy im a girl. If i could choose, i'd probably identify as male. But when you ask why, idk. Seems more fitting. But when there's feminine guys and masculine girls, it makea this seem really complicated.
Hey there Homsar955! I say, don't rush it! Just take your time and make all kinds of friends. Have many platonic relationships and have fun with as many people as possible, as you enjoy the social mix. Make straight, gay, and trans friends alike. Eventually, you'll find your niche or clique of friends whose circle fits you best. Always follow your heart and don't go by what others try to dictate to you. Only your heart can determine who you are and what you do or don't like. If someone turns you off, or affects you negatively, just keep your distance. If you are drawn towards the company of people who engage in wholesome behavior and they make you feel good, then just return those great feelings while you're in their company. If you feel good by wearing certain colors or styles of clothing, then express yourself, if it makes you feel happy. If behaving or acting one way as opposed to another makes you feel good, then by all means, behave in the manner which makes you feel best.
Hi Homsar, I am sorry you are depressed. High school can be tough and can cause depression for a lot of people, of all genders and sexualities. Maybe because you lost your old friends you got depressed. Or a bunch of reasons. I don't think you should bother labeling yourself. You are special just as you are, whether that is butch/tomboy, queer/trans whatever, and you don't need to justify it or validate this to anybody except for yourself. If you are comfortable with it and you have the resources, maybe you should join a glbt support group, like GSA or a trans support group and see if you feel more comfortable in that situation. Also, if you have the resources, I would recommend seeing a therapist. Not just any old therapist, because if you get a wrong match you feel even more alienated and crappy (this is from first hand experience.) But if someone recommends a therapist to you, try them out. If you click, stick with the therapist, if not, don't continue with that one.
Do not put any labels on yourself. They are not important! Just be yourself, your personality will go through, no matter how much you will try to hide it or adjust it to your own vision. At some point you will know how you feel about your own body.
