Sharing my orientation story. I need some advice too.

There was a time when I didn't question myself. When I didn't find anyone attractive. And when I wasn't afraid. But times change. And right now, I'm in a dark, saddening place where all of the above isn't true anymore. I'm questioning myself so horribly I'm getting physically drained. I know what I find attractive, to an extent. And I'm terrified.

You see, around February of last year, I was almost certain I was 100% lesbian. I mean, I even told a couple friends. I was so confident about who I was. I used to journal in a notebook, talking about how I was gay and lost, and very lonely. I kept that notebook on the top shelf of my closet.

One morning, before school, my mom went into my room to put a blanket on my closet. She found the notebook and read it. She called me into my room, and once I saw her holding it, I wanted to burst out crying. I started trembling, and feeling so angry and scared. She looked at me, her eyes were wide, and said 'Were going to have a talk after school.' So that day, I left and all day at school, I couldn't stop shaking. Couldn't stop worrying. My anxiety was at a high 10. What would she do? Would she still love me? Would she look down on me? A billion questions swam through my mind, and when I get home, my mother drove me out to a Walmart parking lot to sit and talk. I was very surprised to find that she was sweet, and patient. I ended up balling my eyes out, and telling her about how I was questioning myself. She understood, but seemed a bit disappointed. She said 'I love you no matter what, but it is a little shocking to find out my only daughter won't be walking down the aisle to a man.' That kind of hurt, just a little bit, that last part.. But at least she loves me no matter what.

But from that day on, she'd constantly ask me if I wanted to tell my brothers, and talk about it with them. I was so uncomfortable. I told her 'No. Mom, like I said, I wrote in that journal a long time ago, okay? I'm not sure who I am anymore. I don't think I'm gay.' But she didn't believe me. Whenever I'd point out a cute guy on tv, she'd look at me and say 'I feel like you're just saying that because you don't want me to think you're gay.'

It frustrates me so much. Because I wrote that journal entry in February 2012. She found it in December 2012. 10 months before, was when I wrote that. And things had changed a lot with myself.

But now.. We don't ever speak of it. Ever. It never comes up in any conversations. I can compliment a guy on tv, and she's not suspicious. She now believes I truly find them attractive. That's pretty great yeah, but here's the current problem..

I'm a coward. I'm terrified to talk to her about it again. But I really, really want too. I want to ask my mom if I can go to a Teen Support Group, or a GSA club. This way I can talk in a circle with people who are going through what I'm going through. And I can share my feelings, and let it out in a comfortable, non-judging environment. I want to talk to her about how confused I am. I want to just.. talk to her.

But I really am terrified. I don't have the guts to do it. When would I do it, anyway? Would it be awkward? Would she get mad at me? What would happen?

Next year I'm going to be a freshman in highschool, and I'd really love it if I could walk into the school being confident about who I am. I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend ever in my life. And where I live, in my generation, it's literally UNHEARD OF to not have had a relationship when you're in 8th grade. In fact, people started having boyfriends and girlfriends in 4th grade. So when you constantly are subjected to an environment, every day, where you're looked down upon and called a 'loser' for being single, it really dims your confidence and inner shine.

Also, I've been feeling very depressed lately. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Even just getting out of bed is a challenge for me. I constantly keep asking myself this question, all day long, when faced with literally ANYTHING. "Why?"
I need to eat. "Why?"
I should watch tv. "Why?"
I should take a walk. "Why bother?"
I should talk to my mom. "Why try?"

It's aggravating. I used to be this super bubbly, confident, happy person, and now I find it hard to even face the simplistic actions of every day life. I have a problem expressing how I feel verbally. Always have. And it sucks.

I'm very sad when I'm at home, I'm not social at all. I don't have a phone, facebook, instagram, the works. None of it. I don't hang out with friends, I don't call friends on our home phone, and it surely doesn't help when I live in a state where it's currently Winter and there's been zero sunshine for months.

I want to ask my mom if I can have a phone, and if I can have friends over. But when I did have a phone, about 2 years ago, I got traumatized and hated it. My mom would constantly look through and read my texts, and make me feel guilty. I never did anything wrong, but when my mother, the person I look up to, feels the need to go through my things and search for inappropriate content, it makes me feel extremely guilty. Like I have something to hide when I don't. So that's why I've been avoiding talking about phones.

So what I'm asking you guys, is.. What should I do? I'm terrified to talk to my mother. There's a Counselor in my school, should I go to them and talk to them about it? Should I just ignore it?

What do I do? ><

[Sooo sorry for being so longgg ughhh. D:]