Biologically I'm a girl, but indentity wise I don't know what I am. I think of myself as a guy most of the time. I almost always say I'm a guy online, and it sometimes pains me to say that I'm a girl. I consider myself a perfect gentleman, I think about transitioning a lot, I feel like I'd be so much happier with my body matching my mind. There are little things I do every day to make myself feel more masculine, like trying to squish my boobs out of existence with tight sports bras and always wearing unisex shirts, shoes, and jackets. I never wear make up, and the only jewlery I wear is my class ring. I'm not super uncomfortable with my female parts, but I really wish I had male bits instead. The only thing really stopping me from transitioning is the fact that I do a lot of "girlie" things. I love stuffed animals, and I coo at babies and cute puppies and kittens. I like to go dress shopping with my friends, only so I can put them in dresses, I refuse to wear them. Also, there are some days when I do enjoy being a girl. Very rarely I'll get the urge to wear a skirt and stuff. Very rarely I feel the urge to be "pretty". I'm also terrified of cutting my hair. It's so curly I think it will become an Afro. I'm just extreamly confused about the whole thing, and if anyone has any advice for me I'd be eternally grateful (*hug*)
Hey what's up? Welcome to EC! I am in like EXACTLY the same boat as you. I have been buying more and more guys and unisex clothing because girls clothing just doesn't feel right for me anymore. I have also tried binding with sports bras to get the flattest chest I can. I absolutely hate my chest and if I could get top surgery tomorrow I would. But like you I do have those few days where I feel like being kinda girly. They are become less often, but they still happen. I am also debating to cut my hair like really short as well. (I'm thinking more like Ellen's haha). I know my parents would flip if I did though! Does anyone else know the struggles you are going through right now like family or friends? Have you come out to them as gay yet? As of now I haven't so I don't have much advice, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone out there! If you ever want to talk let me know because I feel like we really are going through very similar things.
I don't really want to just hand you a label and you run with it, but I'll ask you some questions based off of my experiences as a transman. Have you ever thought that you were born in the wrong body? Did you ever think that you were a man, trapped in a woman's body? Puberty, what was that like for you? Did you hate the changes your body was going through? How do you feel about pronouns? Do you like being called by male pronouns, or do female pronouns not bother you? Do you hate people seeing you as a female, if you don't pass in society?
Just off of reading this, I thought you sounded like a very stereotypical gay male. However, what gender you are is ultimately your call.
I totally agree with Niko and encourage you to ask yourself those questions and answer them truly and honestly. I personally am going through my own gender identity struggle and I have recently had several revelations (breakthroughs?). I am quite comfortable in my female body but I feel agendered. I originally thought I might be Trans since I want top surgery and to possibly start T. However, there is no doubt in my mind that I DO NOT want bottom surgery. I am viewed as a moderately masculine female or a moderately feminine male depending on what I am wearing that day and how I choose to present myself on any given day. I don't feel comfortable calling myself a girl and I don't feel comfortable with male either. As for pronouns, I am most comfortable with female since that is the physical sex I am. I take pride in the body I have been given even if it isn't able to change with my genderfluidity. I know I just said I feel agendered (which I do) but I mean my gender expression when I refer to my genderfluidity. Lucky for me, I have quite a flat chest to begin with so binding to complete flatness is not too difficult for me to achieve. Normally just a sports bra or two does the trick. I know for a fact that I would feel much more dysphoric if I had more. I'm not sure if this helps you at all but I just wanted to share because I know that just hearing that other people have similar problems can be comforting. Welcome to EC and I hope you find what you are looking for!
