I know that we're all just who we are, but I'm curious if, along the path to acceptance of who we are, if anyone took an intermediary step of thinking you were bisexual instead of gay? The internal script could have been, "Okay, I accept that I also like guys, but at least I still like girls," or, "At least I'm not completely gay." I also get that part of this is shaking hidden prejudices and thinking that we may not even be aware of. Thoughts?
I think most people who struggle with their sexuality walk down a bisexual path at some point. I certainly did. For me, thinking back to the years I did say I was bisexual (even when I came out I would say bisexual), it was more a reluctance to admit what I truly was: gay. For me, bisexuality was me clinging to the prospect of a normal life, but you can't hold onto that rope forever... It will either snap or you will just grow tired and realize that it's not who you are meant to be. Of course I'm not saying all bisexuals are actually gay and just unwilling to admit it, but I will say that--and I hope this doesn't offend anyone--many gay people say they are bisexual because it's their only hope of ever feeling "normal."
I used to be bi. And I mean not like "I can't accept I'm gay yet"-bi but bi as in the sense of liking males and females equally. Over time my attraction towards men just vanished and now I'm a lesbian. Many people go through that bi-phase and sometimes those "questioning" people turn out to be gay, some turn out to be straight and some stay bi for the rest of their existence. "Being bi" doesn't mean that you're on your way to homosexuality, although some people are. In my opinion, there are three five main types of bisexuals: 1) bi but actually straight - Those are human beings (mostly girls) ruining the reputation of bisexuals by making out with the same sex to get the attention of the other sex. 2) bi going straight - They are bi for some time (same-sex-crushes and all that), but eventually turn out to be straight. 3) bi - People who like males and females equally (more or less ) 4) bi going gay - They are bi for some time (other-sex-crushes and all that), but eventually turn out to be gay. 5) bi but actually gay - Gay people insisting on being bi in order to protect themselves from homophobia. Just my thoughts Don't try labelling yourself if you're not ready yet... It's okay to be bi, it's okay to be gay and, although people often seem to forget that, it's also okay to be straight. Good Luck with finding yourself
Crystine! Many thanks! I couldn't have said it better myself I have landed on the bisexual road myself! I always thought men were interesting. When I was little I watched programs like biker mice from mars, TMNT, beast wars and what not. I developed crushes on the tough guys in movies, wanted to be them. Because of this, I thought I was straight (although I somehow convinced everyone I would NEVER marry a man). This continued until I turned 17 and my boyfriend broke up with me. I realised I had been nothing but miserable and started to explore the rainbow of the gay community, searching for the shade that fit me (I knew I was queer-ish, but I didn't know what kind of queer). And yes, I was a bisexual! Not any more though. I start to gain insight in myself. My fascination with men has more to do with my gender identity than my sexuality. But that's too complicated and irrelevant. Like Crystine said, bisexuality is for many a crossover, for some an adventure, and for others a dead-serious orientation. I hope you find your answers here somewhere!
I think the opposite is sometimes true as well. I came out as gay because I was deep in denial about being bisexual and did not want to face biphobia. I know of a lot of bisexuals who stay closeted as gay simply because they know that there's a good chance they would be ostracized from the community if they came out. Or at the very least, be treated differently. But does that mean all gay people are secretly bisexual? Hell no. The truth is, if you're gay, you're going to think being bisexual is the more attractive option. If you're bi, than gay will seem better. We all have our own struggles and challenges.
To Crystine's list of bi types I'd add gay person who later realized it was possible to be interested in the opposite sex too. "Gay going bi" even if they didn't want to (not choosing to). I don't think this was what LailaForbidden was talking about. If I had thought remaining a lesbian was a viable option, I think I would have stayed that way. I was looking for BDSM partners and in 1986, desirable partners were few and far between.
First, people like certainty. And people like labels, because they enable us to categorize things and create a sense (or an illusion) of order in a not-always-ordered existence. So people will attach a label to provide some level of certainty. Now, juxtapose that with the five stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) that one goes through in accepting that they are not straight. For many, the "bargaining" phase consists of "Well, I may like (same sex) now, but I know that I'll eventually end up with (opposite sex) and be married with 2.3 children and a house with a picket fence." That bargaining phase can be intense and it's easy to get stuck there, so it's very common for people to label themselves as bisexual to avoid letting go of the "bargaining" and the "ordinary" life that they've held onto. So for people in that group, bisexuality is a common path to accepting oneself as gay. At the same time, when the need for certainty and labels is overriding, someone might simply label as "gay" when the reality is they're somewhere on the continuum (as most are.) So they label as gay and later find themselves attracted to, and in relationship with, someone of the opposite sex. The truth is, only a small portion of people are a solid in-the-middle bisexual... but likewise, only a small portion are solidly gay or straight. Most are somewhere on the continuum, but it can be hard to separate genuinely being on the continuum from using bargaining as a way to incorrectly define oneself. I think it's best to try and directly confront the bargaining activities, look at your own behaviors, feelings, porn/masturbation/people watching habits... and make the best assessment you can. Once you do that, and stop kidding yourself one way or another, it's easier to get a clearer picture of exactly where you are on the continuum.
Actually, that was what I was talking about :icon_wink Sorry if I wasn't very clear. I meant "the opposite can be true" as in bisexuals sometimes identify as gay to either a) cover up bisexuality (either subconsciously or consciously) due to denial or b) truly think they are gay and then realize they have attraction to opposite sex. Which is, if I understand correctly, is what you're referring to? I know a mixture of those two happened to me. Either way, my point is/was that gay people often use the bi label for similar reasons as those above.
I think some people with an attraction to both genders identify as gay because they feel like their attraction to the opposite sex isn't strong enough to count.
Laila - that makes sense - I previously didn't get the "b" part in your post. I'm still having some trouble accepting that I'm not gay, not by most definitions. Making up my own definition won't make me feel much better if I'm still living a relatively straight life.
When I first realized I was into guys (I was around 9 or 10), I was still having weird little crushes on girls. Yaknow, usual kid stuff. So until I was almost 12, I seriously thought I was bi. I mean, I liked girls, could picture myself marrying a girl, having kids with a girl, the whole shebang. I could just never get over my growing attraction to guys. I finally realized there was a difference. When I'd watch straight porn, I unknowingly focused on the guy. I'd have dreams of (straight) sex, but I wasn't having it. It's like I was hovering over it..And focused on the super hot guy doing the deed. Then one night, I was jerking off and realized I was fantasizing about one of my friends..a guy. I realized I couldn't even imagine having sex with a girl, kissing a girl, or even holding hands with a girl..Yup, I'm a big fat flamer. I was about to come out as bi, too. Thankfully I didn't work up the nerve to do it before that little epiphany. Some people come out as bi to ease the transition, but that wasn't me. I genuinely thought I was until I realized the difference in my attractions.
I haven't personally done it, but the only thing I really have a problem with would have to be the people who pretty much know in their hearts and in their bodies that they're gay, but say they're bisexual because of fear of coming out as gay. I've seen this a lot, especially from full-grown adults, and quite frankly I think it's disheartening. I think it would be great if more people would be a lot more conscious about what this does to the bisexuality part of the community, and to those who really identify as bi. I know figuring out one's sexuality can be a tough and shaky path, one that is full of uncertainties, but we also need to keep our minds open and aware so that we're able to be as respectful and educated as possible when it comes to the different orientations within the LGBTQ community, and how each one can be affected in different ways by different factors. But it's also kind of tough, I'd imagine, for bisexuality to have to be everybody's 'umbrella orientation'. Bisexuals already have to deal with people thinking that they don't even exist or that their sexuality isn't real, and unfortunately half of the time it's due to those who know deep down inside that they're gay, but say they're bisexual at the time because they're not ready to admit or fully come out as gay yet. Everyone has the right to their own sexuality and labels, and it can be a stressful thing to be confused, I completely understand and wholeheartedly agree with that. Really, at the end of the day, most of us just do what we think is best for us personally. I just find it disrespectful sometimes, not so much with the younger folks who don't really know any better yet, but those who are very much aware but clearly do so anyway. This thread is one of the factors that bisexuality faces a lot, and it's kind of a double-sided one. But as I said, to me, it would be sort of stressful to identify as something that people seem to turn to because they're not sure what they are yet. We all have times where we're not sure of our orientation(s), but that's the beauty of dodging labels or just not using a specific one until you've really done some more thinking and soul-searching. Some people really are bisexual, and then discover that they're actually gay. It happens, that's fine and understandable. But I'm more talking about those who clearly know what they're feeling, or those who don't really stop to think about their sexuality that much at all and are experiencing confusion, and thus they just seem to throw on the label of bisexuality like a temporary coat that will hold them over for the meantime. It's the orientation that appears to get treated so flippantly and carelessly, out of all them. I can't remember how many times I've heard the statement, "Well, if you're not certain that you're gay, just say you're bisexual for now and then you can always figure it out later." Which I can understand, as it does make sense in a way if you really don't know which gender/sex you actually like, and I know people aren't always being disrespectful on purpose. But also, to get a perspective from the other side, can you imagine what that would sound like to a bisexual person standing next to you in the same room? At times it almost seems like it's used as a placeholder until something more certain and real comes along. And while it may be a plausible and safe option, since you are keeping your options open, it also does a bit of collateral damage to those who truly know they are bisexual and not gay by having even more people doubt that they're sure of themselves, or that they really exist at all.
ummm... i say im gay, but not once had been with a guy ... im attracted to women as well as men... but dont think im bi...
I tell people I'm bi because I think I'm a bit attracted to guys. I know I like girls. I don't want to come out as gay because if I end up with a guy I will probably get ridiculed a lot. I don't want to be called a hasbian or a lug.
I think what Sam's described here is really important to reiterate, as I think it's a very common occurrence for many people early in the coming out process. Our minds can do a fabulous job of convincing us we're straight even in the face of pretty overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I can remember in my teens doing things that I can now look back on and go "Wow, there's absolutely no question I was gay and that's why I was doing that"... but at the time it simply didn't occur to me as a possibility at all, or perhaps if it did, I brushed it off and somehow just ignored that possiblity. I was one of those who, until my mid-20s, really had no idea whatsoever that I was gay even though I was doing many of the things Sam describes. The way our unconscious and conscious conspire to moderate what we allow ourselves to be aware of is a complex and intriguing process, and I don't think anyone has a really clear understanding of how it all works.
I think we all had a time where we were trying to figure out who we are, and since bisexuality can seem like the compromise between gay and straight a lot of us wound up there for a while.
I do like the fact I have always been sure. I never had any sort of sexual attraction to straight males. I never did get the hang of that. I did make an effort long ago to see what this guy thing was all about. I had five dates and never anything sexual in nature. The last date was in senior year of high school when I decided to give it one more try. Mistake it usually is when you know better. The guys grabbed my boob and I was out of the car so fast I never realized I could move that quickly. I think bi is a catch all for unknown for many. They are in a point of questioning and need a name. They select bi because it is just easier. I had a friend who had an unusual way of looking at BI as a category. She said if you are with a partner of the same sex than you are lesbian or gay. If you are with an opposite sex partner you are straight. Hmmm A bit of an over simplification if you ask me but this definition worked for her. This i think is some of the problem with LGBTQ. We all have our definitions of what each letter stands for and these may not always match. I fall back to the old standby queer because it keeps us all equal and that is really how it should be. Hugs and love
The first time I came out to my best friend 3 years ago was as Bi, just to test the waters and see how he'd take it, and how I'D take letting someone know. At this point, I was 90% sure I was attracted to guys. When my friend kinda blew it off, I just blew it off as well and just kept making up these girl crushes to try to put the whole thing past us. Now, in 11th grade, I'm fully out as gay to as many people as I can be out to. Sometmes i still think there's a slim chance that I'm bi with gay leanings, like I hAVe a 5% attraction to girls, but a man's what I really want ^^
Thank you to everyone that responded. Not gonna lie; I got a couple tears right now and a warm feeling in my heart like I had a shot of whiskey. Now to update my profile orientation back to Questioning. I don't know, so I won't say.
