The last few years I've lied to people about who I was. I told people that I am a drag queen and that I have been doing drag shows when I really wasn't. I did it because I felt that maybe people would find me more interesting. I know I'm a woman on the inside and I want nothing more then to dress in drag and to be a woman. I don't know why I lied it just felt better to me because I was being me ( sorta) but in the process I've hurt a lot of people that I never meant to hurt and I'm so sorry:/
You're hardly the first transwoman to perform in drag shows. And there are definitely a lot of drag queens that have some degree of trans feelings, even if they don't live as women full time and don't intend to ever transition. There are also drag queens for whom that isn't the case at all, of course. Why do you say you've hurt people? In what way have people been hurt? In Portland, our best-established drag queen is Darcelle. She has Darcelle tattooed on one hand, and Walter tattooed on the other. Both identities are considered valid, and she has been recognized as an important figure by the trans community. Her show is the longest continuously running drag show in the US. She is now in her 80s, and still performing. Another drag performer I saw made reference to having had SRS. (It was actually more something like "since [she] got [her] vagina," or something like that. But she was clearly referring to vaginoplasty.) Drag shows have provided many transwomen with a place to be themselves when it was not possible for them to transition or to live as a woman full time. Why do you feel like it has been harmful for you to do this?
This proves to me that you have nothing to apologize for. Is there a more pressing matter that brought these feelings to the surface?
I don't think it sounds like you have anything to be sorry about. Trans* people are constantly exposed to a sentiment that we are fraudulent, that we aren't who we say we are, and that we're not "real" women or men. Its hard to overcome internalization of this, but its simply not true. Lots of us have experimented with different identities, clothes, etc. to see what feels right, and that's a good thing.
