Has anyone ever had problems coming to terms with who you are? I feel like the whole reason I'm still questioning myself is because I am scared of accepting myself. Not that it's a bad thing, I just feel like it's easier to be a man, than to accept yourself as a man. (Ex. It's easier to drink than to accept/admit you're a drinker.) Here's a bit of my realization to my gender identity: Growing up, I was one of the guys, or a tomboy as my mother called it. 9/10 I was outside playing in the dirt, with worms, or sports. I didn't know where my shirts were but had an endless supply of shorts. I had always been the husband/dad/son in games that involved role playing. Dreams starred a boy named Ryan(always.) As I started developing, I would pray every night that I would wake up a boy, that something just wasn't right. Puberty hit and life became awkward and uncomfortable. I've always been 'straight' and when I find myself attracted to a man, I feel like it's a 'gay tendency.' I would get angry when people would say such things like, "you're a girl, that's not very lady like, etc." I started wearing boy's clothing and upped my masculinity. The first time I was 'misgendered', it was such an overwhelming feeling I told everyone. One of my friends pulled me aside and asked if I was Transgender, and I denied it because I had never heard the word before. Once I learned what it meant, I realized that there was others like me and that there was a word to describe how I felt(I know it's just a label but it's easier to tell someone than to explain it.) From than on, I have been experimenting with what I am comfortable with and what I'm not. Such as not shaving my facial hair and some body hair, and trying to present myself in a more masculine way. There are other points, they just aren't as major and/or coming to me at the moment. So, it's not so much that I'm questioning. I know who I am, I just don't want the changes that come with coming to terms with things, I guess. Like I want to be addressed properly, but I don't want people treating me or looking at me differently. Anyone else feel the same?
If there was a pill that would let me just skip to the being accepted as a woman stage without the transition stage, I'd take it in a heartbeat.
You sound just like me. Exactly. I've been wearing male clothing since I was little, always kept my hair short until I was in middle school, and still dreaded shaving or having to put on a fake, female persona just so I wouldn't get teased. Now I don't even shave anything, and I'm quite fond of the pre-T mustache and peach fuzz on my face. I wish I could just come out, and have everyone.. my family, teachers, my friends, just anyone, all strangers and people alike refer to me as the boy I am. I wish I were born one, but I can't change that. But I want people to acknowledge me as a man, as a male, and not the female that they used to know. I'm scared of transitioning, especially losing my job, my friends, being discriminated at school and in general life... I'm terrified. I wish I were just born male.
Yeah, sounds like what everyone goes through. What's comfortable, what's not? It's almost like being reborn, but things are a bit more frustrating because you're taught one thing by people, and your body's saying something completely different and nothing seems right. Just continue what you're doing. You're doing this the right way. Experiment. See what works, what doesn't, what works in ONLY this way? It's like self-science. You might be surprised to think one thing and find something completely different. It's the most interesting time in your life (at least that I can think of). It's just agonizing because you're taught "This is this, and that is that" Just remember this: Gender is COMPLETELY subjective. Nothing's really objective, which is why people have gender dysphoria. They're trying to make logical sense out of a huge bubbly cloud of nonsense.
I second that pill thing. See, I just got my hair cut a few years back, and it just felt right. It was hard to explain why I needed a haircut to begin with. High school, I always got teased but that was because I was the only lesbian there and I lied about it when they had prove(Never writing love letters again.) Surprisingly, my pre-T mustache is dark and noticeable, and my beard is thin hairs that are light brown so it blends well with my skin. For me, I'm not worried about friends and college(teachers change every semester. For me, it's my family. I can always get a new job and I get misgendered so often that, I'm not scared of general life. It's my mom that I'm worried most about because of what I mean to her. I was the last born out of her last marriage and they stopped at me because I was the girl they always wanted. I am my father's(deceased) only daughter out of both his marriages. She is very religious and sexist in the fact that, girls ARE this way no other way and if you behave out of the norm, you are trying to be something you are not and that needs to stop. Currently, she made a lose-lose deal with me that ultimately ended in me having to shave my facial and body hair. No 'boy' haircuts either. It would be better for her health and mind if she goes to the grave thinking she had a daughter(Sounds harsh but I truly love my mother.) I am very grateful that certain things I don't have to try on or that I can pass without truly trying. There are still things that I am dysphoric about, like my height and stuff, but some days it's not so bad. I never quite dealt with the 'that and this' thing because my mother accepted things when I was younger. It was only when I came out three years ago did EVERYTHING I did bother her.
