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Get ready for a huge wall of text.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Monocle, Mar 15, 2013.

  1. Monocle

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    Okay, I really need to get all this off my chest. Please let me know if anything I've said here is inappropriate, and I apologize in advance for the enormous wall of text.

    My first sexual experience was when I was about 4 or 5 years old. It was with another girl who was a year older than me, sort of "playing doctor" or "playing house" as kids do. (Looking back, I'm pretty sure she'd been sexually abused prior to when we met, though of course I didn't realize it back then.) I realize this is a sensitive topic and I don't want to go into too much detail, but I remember she insisted one of us be the "boy" and one of us be the "girl", and my confusion at that (we were both girls, after all, and that was good enough for me). And I remember asking her what the "sexy" parts on a body were supposed to be (besides the obvious)- she said something like the shoulders and neck, and I was picturing a woman. Anyway, enough of that.

    A few years later, I was molested on two different occasions by two different male relatives. These experiences really messed me up in a lot of ways- whenever I watch hetero porn or have hetero sex, I can only get off if there's an element of sexual exploitation to it, even though it was all in my head and I never sought out the kind of guy who would actually take advantage of me. For a while I thought, okay, my past experiences have changed the landscape of my sexuality, and it's not a bad thing to get off on domination fantasies or anything like that... for a lot of victims of child sexual abuse, it's how they cope, and obviously for some people it has nothing to do with anything unhealthy, it's just their kink that they enjoy. But I don't think I would have this kink had I not been molested. I could be wrong, though.

    Um, I feel like I should mention that I had OCD baaaaaad when I was a child. So there was, predictably, a lot of obsessing about my sexuality aaand a lot of compulsive behavior.

    Once again, something else happened when I was way too young: I discovered porn. I remember looking up a lot of lesbian porn, and I don't know if this is because I preferred women even back then, or if I simply didn't understand male sexuality. (I didn't have brothers around who ran around naked, the only experience I had with a penis had been when I was even younger and I had blocked a lot of that out...) I could get off looking at a woman in a suggestive pose.

    I remember a (girl) friend stayed over at my house one night, I saw her sleeping face and panicked, praying, "Please, God, don't make me be a lesbian." I don't think I was actually attracted to her at all; I think it was my OCD acting up, but I thought I should mention it... Literally my only concepts of the word "lesbian" we're A) the bleach blondes with enormous fake breasts in porn and B) a heavy-set, middle-aged butch woman. I'm assuming that second image came from the media, as I lived in a tiny conservative town with no out-of-the-closet people to speak of. At that young age and in that environment, a woman who pushed the boundaries of traditional femininity was frightening to me- obviously there is nothing wrong with butch women, gay or no, but these were cultural expectations that I grew up around, nothing rational... it was something I had to learn.

    By the time I was twelve I discovered the world of smutty fanfic, and over the years from then to adulthood my interest went from f/f to m/f to m/m. (Also, I realize porn is considered an unreliable indicator for a woman's sexuality, but I feel like I should just get it out there. Also, from reading this you're probably thinking I was positively DRENCHED in pornography growing up, but really this is over the course of many years...) I also began learning about homosexuality and bisexuality and participating on an LGBT support forum. At one point, I came out to my best friend as bi and then a lesbian, though I struggled with my continued attraction towards men and what that meant for me...

    Flash forward to high school- I develop an enormous crush on a boy. It's mutual but nothing happens for a long time. All the usual symptoms are there- smiling like a doofus, checking my reflection over 9000 times before I leave the house, etc. By the time we actually get together, the romantic interest is gone on my part, though I struggled to understand why. We remained in an on-again, off-again relationship for probably three years, 90% of that had to do with me becoming infatuated with some girl who didn't know I existed. Entirely unfair to the guy, but I was young and foolish. Eventually we had sex, which was awful but awesome at the same time- even if I didn't love him like a girlfriend should, and even though sex between two virgin nerds was as awkward as I always knew it would be, I enjoyed the bump and grind of it all (if not the actual PiV intercourse). I loved it when he kissed me- sexually, not so much when he did it affectionately. (I promise I'm not a bad person. I never said any of this to his face. :frowning2:)

    Along came another guy who I knew from way back when. I contacted him on Facebook for purely selfish reasons- I'd had a crush on him years earlier, and by crush I mean massive sexual interest and a sort of shy, awkward romantic interest, and I knew he liked me for some ungodly reason. For the record, I didn't ask him out for sex... I hoped that if I went out with him, I'd be a "normal" girl who could say she'd been on a date, and who could have a real boyfriend and not the one-sided relationship of before... He seemed so out of my league; I was sure he was the love 'em and leave 'em type. (Or maybe I was just bitter 'cause he asked me out once before and then totally stood me up.) Anyway, we went on a few dates, and though I was glad to be doing things a "normal" girl would do... I was not as into him as he was to me. He really was a very nice, courteous guy... not a love 'em and leave 'em type like I thought. I did like making out with him, but when he tried to do romantic but non-sexual things... holding hands, texting me sweet little messages, etc., it felt so wrong! He brought up marriage on the first date. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in him. In the end, we had some godawful sex where neither of us finished. I insisted that I didn't *do* relationships and that I would only break his heart. I knew even then that I felt nothing for him, and didn't want to treat another man the way I had treated my ex.

    Meanwhile, through aaaallllll of this, I had numerous crushes on girls. They never went anywhere because I never said anything about them, or because the other party wasn't interested, or was taken. But when I was crushing on a girl, I finally understood what other girls must feel like when they've got guys on their mind 24/7. Still, I told myself and others that the reason I wasn't interested in dating boys was because I was too picky, my standards were too high, I was focusing on school or my career, I was too self-conscious to be in a real relationship, I didn't trust men, etc. That the reason I didn't have boy-crazy gigglefits with my friends was because I was just a naturally private person. I told myself that the reason I hated it when guys held my hand or sent my schmoopy text messages was because I wasn't touchy-feely or into PDA, and that I just wasn't a romantic person! This couldn't be farther from the truth; I want to be very lovey-dovey with girls! I made up every excuse for why I dreaded going on dates with perfectly nice boys... My immediate and extended family always asked me why I broke up with So-and-So, and why I never talked about boys or brought one home... I didn't want to say that I had seldom had romantic feelings for boys. I went to Homecoming with my boyfriend and saw two female friends of mine (who were in a relationship) dancing- I was so jealous, not in an angry way, but in a sad way. I wanted that. But when my boyfriend asked me to dance, I insisted I didn't dance...

    My extended family's always asking if I'm a lesbian, but I've always avoided answering til now. Back in the days of MySpace, and later on with Facebook, I deliberately left my "Interested In" blank because I never felt confident declaring myself to be one way or another. From about age 13 til now (21) it's been that way. Also, other 13-year-old girls didn't have half-naked women on their wall...

    Because of my sexual attraction to men, I told myself that I was straight, and I believed it. I figured I was just a little bicurious. But then I'd get totally blind-sided by a girl- I'd think about her all the time, and the thought of going on a date with her didn't fill me with dread like I felt when I went out with guys... and, despite my past, it's not like I'm frightened of men. I wasn't "fearful" of dates with guys because I thought they would hurt me or anything. It was dread like... I don't know, when you have to go to a family reunion consisting of people you barely know and you have to try to force a connection to people you really have no connection with. With women, even if I've only spoken to her for half a second, if I like her then I feel joy and excitement at the thought of going on a date with her. Not total apathy bordering on resentment, like I do with men.

    In one of my straight-feeling phrases, I got hit on by a male friend's girlfriend at a party. (Disclaimer: They had an open relationship, by the end of the night I was invited to a threesome even though that's not really my bag, etc.) We flirted a lot, there was some boob gropage and a lot of making out. But I didn't feel anything, and I can't decide if it was because I was inebriated, or uncomfortable with the lack of privacy or the fact that I wasn't especially attracted to her in the first place. (She was very pretty, just not my type. I definitely wasn't crushing on her.) So, I thought this cemented it: lesbian and bi girls like kissing other girls, and I didn't like kissing this girl, so I must be straight. I was hunky-dory for a while, though I still considered myself "mostly heterosexual" because I never felt right denying women a place in my heart, even if they (apparently, to me at the time) had no place in my bed.

    Flash forward to about a week ago. I go out to dinner with my cousin and some of her work colleagues. There's a woman there who is so gorgeous I can hardly take my eyes off her- she's not "conventionally" pretty with her short, untreated hair and no makeup, but I think she is sooooo beautiful. I'm trying really hard not to be a creeper!!! On the one hand I'm going notice me notice me notice me but on the other hand I had just got off work after a twelve hour shift, my hair was a mess and I'm sure I looked awful, so I didn't want her to notice me at all! And the way I felt makes no sense, because we didn't actually say anything to each other that entire time. But for days and days, I was so giddy over her, and the only thing that put a damper on those feelings was learning she was in a relationship. (I'm not a homewrecker.)

    So, please, good people of the forum... I realize this is a HUGE wall of text, but I really, really, really needed to lay all this out. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. The other day when my sister asked (in response to me saying something vaguely sexual about girls) if there was something I needed to tell her, I said, "Nothin' you don't already know." And she told me that her wife had thought I was gay the first time we met. When her wife returned to the table, she whispered to her, "You were right."

    I'm so confused. :icon_sad:
     
    #1 Monocle, Mar 15, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2013
  2. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    Don't worry, it's an enjoyable huge wall of text!
    You had sex with a guy and liked it. So you're obviously not a Kinsey 6.
    You're actually in a similar situation to me--I'm sexually attracted to men and women but I only crush on men.
    While I don't know what to call myself yet, I think you are probably a Kinsey 5, which is enough to eschew using the term bisexual (I say that because people are always like "well then why don't you just go out with the opposite sex if you're bisexual," so you might want to not be bisexual if you can help it.)
     
  3. Monocle

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    Thank you so much! (*hug*) I appreciate the input, and I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone. I think it'll just take time, patience, and some healthy self-exploration before I'm ready to label myself as anything.

    Something I always wondered about the Kinsey scale- does it refer to behavior alone, or feelings? What if your romantic and sexual sides seem to be at odds with one another?
     
  4. jeanie

    jeanie Guest

    I relate to so much of what you wrote...my first ''sexual experiences" were when I was young with other girls, and I discovered porn and erotica fairly young as well. I thought I was gay, but I also liked guys somewhat, and I never acted on my feelings for girls, preferring to focus on guys.

    At this point I'm sure of what I am, but I'm waiting to see what happens...
     
  5. Hopeful

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    This kind of reminds me of myself... I've only ever been with a guy, though, so I don't have much experience. I often feel attracted to a guy (usually the body more than the face) but decide that he must be a jerk in some way. I'm attracted to women who I find role models in some way. If there's something interesting about them I get a crush on them but they're always unattainable. So I don't know what to do, either. I'm trying to take things slow; I'm only 20 and have plenty of time to figure myself out without putting a label on myself. You have plenty of time as well!
     
  6. Laura27

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    Hello Monocle, firstly I would like to say that you can write really well! Secondly I want to say that you are not alone in your confusion! When I started reading your story, I thought you were straight because you are attracted to men (to some degree at least).

    But later on I noticed some signals that tell me that you are attracted to women; emotionally and sexually as well. Some women call themselves lesbians despite being sexually attracted to men because there is no emotional attraction. You make it clear, at least to me, that you do not experience emotional attraction or desire to be emotionally close to a man. The question is what you want to call yourself. Is sexual attraction enough for you to call yourself a bisexual?

    I have no idea what the Kinsey scale says about emotional attraction, perhaps it is a mixture (which doesn't really clarify much I must say).
     
  7. Christianna

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    Oy I loved your story.... and what I love the most is its yours... I know about exploitation and molestation.... you can read my story... if you want :slight_smile: I can appreciate what you have said... I have a similar problem... I am trans m-f and believe in myself as a lesbian waiting to have the appropriate tools... I have had sexual feelings for males but they go away usually when the guy opens his mouth lol... guess I might need better men lol... anyway your story touches my heart as it deals with some of the pain I have had to deal with thank you very much for sharing
     
  8. Music Heals

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    That was a long story, but it was definitely a good story to read. Do you write? You have really nice writing skills.

    The Kinsey scale does go into both emotional and sexual attraction, at least I've been lead to believe it does. I personally have no sexual attraction to guys, only an emotional and romantic attraction, so I label myself as bisexual, but I'm really much closer to lesbian. There's nothing wrong with you, it just means you have more feelings for girls than you do for guys, and you haven't acted on them or tried to think about them for several years.

    Clearly, you're not enjoying having a boyfriend, so maybe you could try finding a girlfriend? It's good that you identify and recognize your crushes and such, and there are really good chances that you'll eventually find a girl who feels the same about you. And with that one girl, just keep in mind that relationships are not permanent things! There's always a chance that she'll break up with whoever she's dating.

    You still have plenty of time to figure your life out, so don't worry! No one is forcing you to pick a label or identity, and you don't need to decide that until you're ready to. Good luck!
     
  9. Monocle

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    Wow, thank you both very much. I'm not brave enough to take up writing seriously, but I do appreciate the compliments!

    This is what I was wondering, as well. On the one hand, if I call myself a lesbian then people will be blind-sided and probably suspicious if I say a man is sexy. But if I call myself bisexual then I'm leaving myself open to advances from men who will be downright confused if I tell them I only date women!

    And yet, I know other people have similar experiences. Many people in this thread, of course, and then I've known some women who swing both ways when it comes to sex but only feel romantically inclined towards men.

    I'm also really stressed about the lack of butterflies I felt towards the girl at that party (my friend's girlfriend). When we kissed, I didn't really feel anything at all... but I'm not sure if that's because she's a chick and I'm a straight girl in denial, or the fact that I wasn't especially attracted to her in the first place, or that I was sort of drunk, or the complete lack of privacy or what. Normally, having a drunken make-out session with a girl at a party is COMPLETELY out of character for me. But with all the crushes I'd had on women in the past... I really wanted to kiss a girl, maybe to validate those romantic feelings I had...

    Thank you so much for your kind words. (*hug*) I will read your story, and I'm glad mine was able to touch your heart.

    Does it smush them both together, working on the (perfectly valid) assumption that for most people, their emotional and sexual interests line up? I just worry because I think my feelings for women are very, very strong, but when it comes to sex... things are much murkier. I'm just afraid that different aspects of me will never be on the same page.

    I'm just frustrated, because I feel like at least once a year I become infatuated with a girl (never a guy), and struggle with my sexuality for a while before finally attributing the crushes I get to some kind of fluke. Then I go back to considering myself "mostly straight" only to find I have zero interest in the men I date apart from having some sexual chemistry with them. Which is not to say I go around using men for sex (since my teenage years, I have only had sex with two men- and while I enjoyed the making out portion well enough, I've never had an orgasm with a guy. I attribute this to my own discomfort more than anything). I would never use someone on purpose; I try to like them for all their good qualities, but it never works and that's what tears me up inside and leads to the inevitable dissolution of the relationship. There's no real relationship to speak of, I know there never will be, and I don't want to lead someone on knowing I can never return their feelings.

    I laughed out loud at your thought that the special lady on my mind could be "back on the market" at any time. Haha! While I would never wish for her to break up with her girlfriend -- I just want her to be happy -- if it did happen, then... I guess I couldn't complain. :icon_wink

    I've often thought that things would be clearer if I could just be with one of the women I've liked. But as I've said, something always comes up... they're taken, or not into women, or just not into me. Which is fine and all, it would just be nice if I could actually enjoy being in a relationship for once! I know I would be thrilled to go out with the girl I met the other day, or any girl I've swooned over...

    A big thank you to everyone for the advice. And for those of you in a similar situation as me, I hope this thread is helping you out as well!