Shocking

I do not even know were to begin. Ever since I realized who I am, things just started happening that are just beyond my control. I have feeling I will end up as a paragraph in some medical textbooks and my brain will fill in a jar in one of the labs. I am sorry these things will be very intimate. I will try to describe them as best as I can.

Something happened to my body at age 40. My sex drive just disappeared, my sperm volume got so low that is embarrassing. My wife and I, we tried to have a child and we were successful with professional help. But as you can imagine, every marriage has problems, arguments etc and we just drifted apart. But no matter what we still love each other. That’s why I just could not keep information about who I am just to myself. Well, she heard what she wanted to hear. Whatever is in you head is your problem, child needs a father, act as man in front of my family. However, I noticed that her attitude towards me has changed. She really tries to help. But this might be even too much for her.

In last couple weeks, I was able to figure out my male and female personalities. And I have to say female seems to be more natural. Male is kind an artificial, that was just protecting me from doing any harm to myself. Sometimes I feel like something in the middle. One of those days when I felt very feminine, I was thinking how I would help my wife to feel like a woman again. On some basic level I understand what female needs are during intercourse. So I decided to put myself in her body and figure out how I would like to be kissed, touched etc. I got instantly aroused and things started happening…my body responded in the way I could never ever believe. The feeling of being aroused moved inside my body. Initially in lover section of my belly. Then it started traveling up. I started feeling some hot tiny spots on my chest. Pulsating clusters of tiny dots. They just started appearing out of nowhere. More spots. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. There literally hundreds of them. I felt roundness on my chest and these clusters of dots were getting narrower in my upper belly area. My whole body started feeling hot, and then there was this flowing pulse of energy from lower section of my belly spreading all over my body. The feeling of the spots on my chest intensified. I felt like my breast reached its fullness and is just about to explode. Hotness and short breath. I felt like I have a vagina and penis inside me. After couple minutes everything calmed down.

It took me couple days to even understand what happened. But wait, there is more. Sensitivity of my chest area changed. My nipples changed! There is no roughness to it, soft and little wider spread. There is a different feeling to it, when I wear t-shirt; it actually feels like I have boobs. My facial hair it’s getting thinner and skin is getting smoother.

Frankly, I am scared. It’s one thing to feel something and dream about it, but now my body reacts to some signals. I believe there is almost no testosterone in my body. Whatever comes out from my penis is very watery. Things like this can happen only if my body produces female hormones.

What is happening to me?

 

To tell the truth until recently (about 5 weeks ago) I did not realized I was trans, I blocked my teenage memories so deep that I completely forgot who I was. I wanted even to commit a suicide.

When we tried to a have child, I have seen a doctor and he recommended testosterone shots, but I felt like it was not necessary. And now at age 45, things just started to happen to me after I discovered those teenage memories again.

I never saw any specialist about my trans issues. I realize I need some professional help, but I do not even know how to go about it. I do not feel comfortable sharing this with my home doctor. I searched Google and results are so far off. Any advice will be very helpful. I live in New York.

 

Thank you

 

I went to C-L and spoke to some doctor and tried to get some understanding about my hormones. Well, her reaction was pretty much that male body does not produce estrogen. I did some blood test and I am waiting for the results. However, I have a feeling about what to expect. People say that you should not diagnose yourself and they are right. But this thing is so clear, like 2+2. My body is changing rapidly. Nails changed color, they are shiny, smooth and strong. Hair got fluffy and grow faster. Facial hair is getting thinner. I have to shave every other day. Skin on my face is smooth. My nose is little bit norrower, same goes for my ears, they are little bit smaller. Eyebrows are changing, getting thicker, shape is changing, same goes for my eyes. I am loosing hair on my legs and arms. There is different feeling to it. And this is only couple weeks! I see people are noticing these changes. My face always looked more feminine than the rest of the body. But I noticed one thing, that my height is very close to my girlfriend. The body structure is somewhat similar. People told me that I have a nice legs, but never paid too much attention to it. So I believe, my body was producing estrogen for couple years already and got to the point I started feeling more feminine, than this orgasm happened and my body received huge amount of female hormones. Every dermatologist would tell you that sex is good for your skin. The only organ in female body that produces estrogen in such a quantities are ovaries. Sometimes I feel hot and fatigue. It reminds me times when I was a teenager and had to lay down for an hour, just to collect myself.

I do not think this process can be stopped. For me personally is a relief that this whole thing is not just a madness n my head

 

She believed me, and when I said that I might be intersex I saw some sparkle in her eyes. I think it is her first case ever, because she was making some comments about it, like things like this can happen anywhere and anytime. I think she did not want to tell me too much. When I asked her about hormones and whether male can produce it, she made a face. Pretty much I got a feeling that my body will continue to change.

Sometimes these changes are so tiny, that at first you will not notice them. It's more like changing feeling to some parts of your body.

ps. What is going on, some words are being changed after posting?

---------- Post added 1st Apr 2013 at 02:00 PM ----------

I'm not fat, I have little belly fat, but nothing spectacular

 

For example,
area on top of the eyelids is little bit puffed up

 

I have to say that waiting for my blood results causes my stress level to go through the roof. I have problem sleeping. In the middle of the night I wake up and my mind wanders in different directions. I know I inflict more pain upon myself, but I cannot stop doing it. I do not wish anyone to find out that there might be something wrong with you on genetic level. If it wasn’t for those visible signs like my nipples and felling of having small boobs, I would say that I am completely mad. I reached out to intersex community and of course I was treated like a nut. Basically I should stop trolling. But one person responded and her story is similar to mine in many ways. However physical changes were much slower and it seems that transformation is almost completed.

You can read about over here:

My body is changing without hormones

There are many similarities. Including one that my strength is changing. I used to be really strong. Now I barely make 5 push ups.

I found another story:

Boy turns to girl

One thing to note is that it happened at early age

Finally, here is a blog of the person whose body also spontaneously changed. It is really interesting reading, however too much scientific for me. One post caught my eye

A.E.Brain: A letter from M.Italiano

And following words:

AB: "Hermaphroditism. On very rare occasions a person has been born with an ovary and a teste. However this is so rare that it is practically unknown in the majority of intersex clinics and there appears to have never been a case of this in a transsexual person either."

***This needs clarification. Zucker and colleagues have indeed described a case of gender dysphoria in true hermaphroditism ***

Gender dysphoria in a child with true herma... [Can J Psychiatry. 1987] - PubMed - NCBI

That statement is a little bit scary, because there really no proof of existing person with my condition. So whatever I write cannot be confirmed and compared with other people experiences. It’s your choice whether you believe me or not. I would have to be really out of mind to make such a claims as having female orgasm. I do not do drugs. I drink beer or wine on some occasions. I like mushrooms that you can buy at local supermarket. I consider myself in fairly good mental condition. And yet that experience was real as it can get. I know your mind can play tricks on you, but not in that way. It’s just not possible for male body to respond to brain stimulation and induce orgasm. I search for other TransWoman experiences in that department, and most of them say, that what they get is prolonged feeling of passing energy, sort of like waves. Changed skin sensitivity and improved pleasure that comes from physical contact within their artificial vaginas and to a degree of stimulating prostate. Now, this is not near female orgasm and my own experience. My body has erogenous zones on my chest and belly and inner thighs. This orgasm actually started by imagining applying pressure to my inner thighs and kisses on my neck and lips. That all what it took! Than my body started getting hot and eventually my chest and belly was on fire. My senses were pretty much shut. If you ever seen girl during orgasm than you will notice that she is very much into herself with closed eyes. Than at some point I started feeling that I have vagina. My reaction was pretty much the same as any other girl when you insert penis inside her body. The location of vagina was between my legs, below penis. Search internet for pictures of hermaphrodite with penis and vagina and you will see what I am talking about.

Here is a twist. I do not have any visible deformation of my male organs. My family never told me that I can be hermaphrodite. I remember I was in hospital some time between when I was 2-3 years old. I remember going to surgery. My parents claimed that I had my tonsils removed. I do not see any scars between my legs

My height is 178 cm (5’ 8’’) which is quiet normal for girls. Both my brothers are taller then me. I always looked like my mother. My family reminds me about that. I do not age like other people. I look about 10 years younger than my biological age of 46. Even doctor I saw noticed that. My family is always surprised about that too. My first cousin (my uncle’s daughter from my mother side) is almost carbon copy of me. She mentioned that couple times. I have nice legs. I heard it from other girls. My wife jokes that I have skinny legs, she made similar comment about my hands. They are smaller then her bosses’ hands. My hair is kind a thick. When I cut my hair, barber made comment about that couple times. There was a time when I had a lot of hair and there was period when It looked like I going to loose them. I have a nice eyes and lips, yet my face has masculine features too. Longer hair gives me more feminine look. My wife noticed recently that my face is changing. My upper body looks more masculine. That’s what I think at least. What does that all mean? I do not know. Most likely I am some kind a hybrid.

I always felt like I am trapped inside my own body. When I was about 8 years old I made drawing of human with female boobs and male genitals and showed it to my brother. Why would I do that? Later I wanted to be a girl. One time I put pantyhose under my jeans and walked around the house. Later I realized that I should not be doing this. If I had an accident and they find my dead body, how would they explain that? I hated my penis and my own body.

Now as you can see, my body is not exactly male or female. I would say more female than male, even though I look like male

After writing this I feel little bit better.