How can I know whether I'm transgender?

WhiteRaven · Mar 19, 2013

...or something else but... the 'normal' thing?

Okay, let's first say that I'm really new 'into' all of this, because for a long time I didn't even think about it. I didn't WANT to think about it. But I just HAVE to know. I don't care whether I'm trans, bi, gay or straight (or whatever else there is what I don't know of), I just want to KNOW it! It's horribly unsettling to constantly wonder and question... :S

Anyway, is there any way to find out with as much certainty as possible whether I'm transgender (or something else, like I said. I really don't have a clue. I only have the feeling that 'something' is 'different')?
As I just simply have to know...

Grz,
White Raven

Theodora · Mar 19, 2013

Well... how do you want people to treat you? There's no test or anything that can tell you how you identify yourself, you just have to learn to figure out how you feel.

Does it bother you when people say "don't do that, you're a girl"? What about when you think about being treated as a boy? You might even prefer somewhere in between, but unfortunately the only way to figure it out is to try things and see what feels right, there's no immediate answer.

You're not alone though, alot of us are working out the same thing. (*hug*)

Ianthe · Mar 19, 2013

I'm totally female-identified and a femme, and it still bothers me when people say "don't do that, you're a girl." That would bother anyone.

I think it's a better idea to look at what feels more right to you when you are treated as male or female in neutral or positive ways.

But you seem to be questioning both sexual orientation and gender identity.

Can you tell us more about why you are questioning, and maybe we'll be able to help you?

WhiteRaven · Mar 19, 2013

Well, I do remember that especially when I was still pretty young I always wanted to be a boy, lol. (I had short hair as well, and got confused for being a boy quite often, but I really didn't mind. It somehow felt like a compliment) But I'm not sure whether that's just because I've always been more of a 'boyish' girl, liking to climb trees, 'sword'fight with sticks or do other 'wild' things. I have never been interested in typical 'girly' things, but I don't know whether that's a sign of being a transgender or just being a bit of a boyish girl.

Also because I'm not the stereotypical 'sexy' (I have hardly any breasts and more a 'guy figure' than 'female curves' or anything) people have actually never treated me like a 'real' woman, but not as a guy either. I... actually think I would prefer being born as a guy, and that's also why I started wondering whether or not I might be transgender or something alike to it. Especially when I was younger I always identified with myself as a boy (and always picked a male character in games. Telling everybody I hated the 'overdone booby-ness' of the typical game girl, but actually feeling more... comfortable... with 'being' a guy (or having a male character, in this case)) Also when I drew my 'comic counterpart' (which didn't look like me AT ALL, btw. A purple bird. Nuf said XD), I always drew him as a guy as well. It just felt... more natural. I don't know...

These things watered down a bit over time, especially the last few years, and I stopped thinking about it for a LONG time (probably also because I just didn't WANT to know. I just wanted to be 'normal', and thus I WAS 'normal'. Even though I had doubts myself). But lately, as I'm growing up and such, these thoughts and feelings have reoccurred. And they have to come from SOMEWHERE, right??

EDIT:
Another reply! Too fast to answer, lol.
I have to go now, I'll answer within a few mins when I'm back

WhiteRaven · Mar 19, 2013

Well, in attempt to answer the second question;
I have had a boyfriend once, but something felt 'off'. Also I remember a time, I think I was 14 or so back then, when I was camping with my best friend (she's female too) and having a frighteningly big urge to just kiss her or hug her in a 'loving' way. Maybe it was just a weird mind flub, as I have heard it's not too uncommon for straight people to fantasize over 'doing it' with the same gender now and then (and no, I haven't yet "done it", if you're wondering. I was 14 with my first boyfriend and we kissed, nothing else (nor did I want to do anything else back then), and since then not a single 'love relationship' has come at my path again), but I found myself thinking things like that more often and wondered whether I might be lesbian. But then I found that I didn't find a real difference in 'attraction' towards males or females, considering I might be bi or something. But because I have only had one, rather short, moment of seeming love (I'm still not sure if it was real love. I don't think it was, as when it IS real love you KNOW it!) I don't really know for sure or anything. :/ I just always excluded it, because the thought made me feel like a 'pervert' or something, but I now just want to face whatever I appear to be. But I'm not sure if it are just, like I said, weird mental flubs, or if they have actual meaning. :/

PurpleRain · Mar 19, 2013

As far as being trans* you're really the only person that can make the call. Reading your post it is possible that you are, but only you can really tell if you are. It's really dependent on whether you identify as a male or female. I'm a woman. I identify as a woman because that's who I feel in my heart that I am and it's what my brain tells me that I am. What you have to realize though is, nobody just one day wakes up and "knows" that they're trans*. I assume you've read articles about people who "just knew" from a young age they were the wrong gender. Well that's great for them because that's how they found themselves, but children are young and don't really understand the concept of gender. For a lot of people (anyone who reads back me up on this if you know the feeling) we don't just know right away. We might reflect and realize that we were different as children, but it may be a long time before we realize it. Some people don't realize it until they're in their 50's. It's different for everyone. You're the only one that can discover who you are, but the people here on EC will be supportive of whatever you find. (&&&)

As for your sexuality that's another thing that you'll have to find out for yourself. You need to try to separate the physical, sexual attraction and the romantic, loving attraction. There are many different forms of sexuality. Someone can be a homo/heteroromantic bisexual meaning they only form meaningful relationships with one sex but are still attracted to the other. It is also common for a straight person to have gay thoughts every now and then, just like gay people will occasionally have thoughts of being with the opposite sex. Everyone does at some point whether they admit it or not. It's a natural curiosity. Eventually you will find out what you are it just takes time, thought, and a little experimentation. (when I say experimentation I don't mean purely sexual, keep in mind)

I hope this helps at least a little to clear up some of your confusion, I'm sorry it's not more helpful, but it really is kind of a self discovery process, but if you ever need anything feel free to contact me or any other member here on EC as I'm sure they'll be glad to help you. (*hug*)

Oddish · Mar 19, 2013

If you feel as if you identify as a man, and you are male, but stuck in the wrong body.. I would say you'd know you're trans*.

Always a hint, don't rush anything. It's a long, complicated process involved with tons of self discovery and pondering. It's confusing and full of frustration. But I agree with PurpleRain's post. You'll know when you know.. there's no age of knowing, or knowing right away. For me, it was gradually learning overtime and doing research, and learning how much more comfortable I am being seen and referred to as a male, made me realize that I really am a boy (or trans* anyway).

But we're here to help if you have any questions whatsoever. It's a really difficult process, and we here on EC understand that.

Just Jess · Mar 19, 2013

Hi WhiteRaven!

One thing I'm finding out is that gender roles are really confining for everyone, and a lot of people out there really feel a need to break out of them. That's a separate thing from your identity but it is linked. A lot of times the two line up, and a lot of time they don't. I think really that's the problem you need to hit first. How the heck are you going to figure out who you are when you're still dealing with who society wants you to be, right?

One thing any transgendered person needs is courage and self confidence anyway. These things are awesome to have whether or not you are transgendered. And that comes from just being you and doing harmless things you know other people wouldn't approve of. You don't need a label to step outside your gender role. DO be safe and smart about it, but you can probably get away with more than you think you can.

EDIT: It's also a little corny but good advice anyway, http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself

I would definitely try being a guy every now and then. I think the thing that really sucks here though is that there's a little bit of a double standard you're working against. Like with me, if I'm wearing my PJs out in public I'm obviously crossing a line. Now that sucks for other reasons, but it's awesome for just building up my IDGAF-ness. But if you do pretty much any guy thing people won't really notice. Double standards pretty much screw everyone in different ways but I probably don't have to tell you that since you've been putting up with some of them longer than me. There is still nothing preventing you from viewing yourself as a guy when you do things though. You'll know and that's what matters.

But that said it sounds like there are some deeper questions right down to your identity you're asking yourself. The problem here is I'm not you and I can't see into your head and I'd really have to to be able to say one way or the other. So we can't answer those for you, but it sounds like you already kinda really know the answer anyway. If you really think you are a man, then maybe you are. If you aren't, then you aren't and you're just open minded. If you aren't sure, then you aren't sure, and you just need to do more living to find out. Just try really hard to get some room to figure yourself out.

One thing that really helped me is this kick-ass webcomic about an FtM transgendered kid named Ash, Misfile . The reason why is the situation he's in. Basically there was a mistake which made him wake up with all his memories in a female body, which he's stuck in for about 70 years. It goes through all his struggles keeping his identity.

I think the comic really does a good job showing just how awkward and painful the situation can be. And it's really tactful with how it deals with some situations. Like there's a woman who is really into Ash, and she's kind of hot, but Ash can't stay in the relationship because it's obvious she wants Ash to be "the girl" in the relationship. Stuff like that, that maybe a lot of people that don't have the shared experiences trans* people have wouldn't think about.

Gender really does cut across every part of your life and can mess with your emotions and sense of self pretty bad. It really sucks being in the confusing position you and I found ourselves in. For me it was amazing just seeing all this stuff from the outside. I'm obviously going in the other direction but I could identify with so much of what Ash was going through. Whether you decide you're transgendered or not, just know that there's a lot of us out there that have had to ask the same questions (*hug*)

EDIT 2 : And hey I know we're kinda pouncing on you Don't feel like you've gotta reply to all of us. If you really want to make my day post something on my wall, I always like coming back to a wall post

Niko · Mar 19, 2013

Unfortunately you're the only one who will know if the label of being trans* suits you. If you feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, then there is a good possibility that you are. One thing you can ask yourself is, do you hate your genitilas? That is another sign of being trans*

From what you said about your childhood I can relate very much so. But I also had this feeling that I was supposed to be a boy. I really wanted to be ably and often times I'd pray at night to wake up the next morning and find myself in a male's body.

Now of course I'm not saying everyone who is trans* will go through the same stuff during their childhood; I'm just telling you my experiences.

Sayu · Mar 19, 2013

Well, this is called "questioning". It can last for years. I don't think you can do anything to speed it up, unfortunately It's better not to try to force it, trust me

WhiteRaven · Mar 20, 2013

Whoah! Thanks for all the wonderful replies people! They were incredibly helpful as well. It's just nice to talk about stuff like this with people, as I always just put it away, so to speak. It feels a little awkward, but I'll only find out whether I'm trans* or not if I actually start thinking seriously about it. Facing what I am, whatever it might be.

It's hard to tell, because it's so difficult to imagine something like that, but I do actually think I'd prefer to be a guy, if I could choose.
(no more menstruation! I'd LOVE that XD (but any woman would, I bet!)) I always dress more boyish already, because I dislike a lot of woman's clothes, male clothes feel more 'relaxed' to me. You don't know how low I wished to wear those big swimming trousers instead of a bikini, lol! When they became fashionable for girls as well I immediately got myself one and I have dreamt a few times of being able of growing a beard, or just facial hair in general. But isn't that just a matter of taste and style?

Hmmm... I'll definitely think about it a lot, try to imagine myself as a man and see if that feels better or more natural to me or not. (now I'm wondering something, is a trans* who is attracted to the opposite sex actually a gay in sexual orientation?? That would make sense, right, as -mentally- that person actually is the other sex)

I'm definitely being more myself lately, and I don't care what others think of me anymore (I used to), as long as I am who I truly am and feel comfortable with it I don't care. I'm a bit of a crazy pagan/hippy already, so I don't think it can ever get worse for society, haha.

Thanks for the great replies everybody. It's great to read, write and think about this with some people, as I never did that before and probably cannot do that with my friends or family.

WhiteRaven · Mar 20, 2013

All right, long post (I always type, and talk, a lot. Hah! I at least have ONE female trait! LOL!) But I'm thinking aloud right now. Always when I write one thing down I start thinking about other things, etc. etc. sorry if I'm bothering you guys with it :S

Now I think of it... always when I created a character for a game or something like that, I picked a male, literally always! I always told that I didn't like the 'sparingly-dressed-booby-ness' of a lot of games (like WoW! Just look at the characters there and agree with me that the males are ten thousand times more awesome. The girls are like inflated baboons with too much mass at the back and the front. Also the armours look like flimsy bikini's on the females and awesome armour suits on the males. Take your pick!), but I have also played games that didn't feature those 'overdone' sexes, and still I always picked a male. (and told people in game I was a male IRL as well XD) And it wasn't just 'being curious' or something like that, it really felt more 'natural' to me, if you get what I mean. Also 90 % of my OC's is male, but I don't know if that says anything (as I'm also just horrible at drawing females. All those curves are HARD!)

And last year we went to the science museum in London when we were there with a school trip, and I actually felt rather happy when one of those 'test' things thought I was male, lol! (it was one of those things where you have to put your hand in and it measures your finger lengths, etc. and then fill in some sort of a silly form/questionnaire)

Also when I thought about it I came to the odd conclusion that my favourite pet plush (yes, I still sleep each night with it.) is kinda... gender-less in my head. Or at least I haven't made up it's gender, it keeps swapping. It's name is Bella (which was based upon a dog of my friends mom whom I really loved. I really liked the name, and named my plush dog after her), which is obviously a girls name, but in my head it has always been a male. When my mom told me the name Bella made it a girl I think I threw an enormous tantrum about it/him/her (darn! I don't know what to use!) being a boy. And it has been swaggering back and forth from there. I don't know if it says anything, but it just struck me as rather odd, as I remember my friends all having quickly classified genders for their plushes. They always called Bella a "her", but it felt extremely insulting. I never said anything though, not to make matters complicated (people would usually ask 'Oh, is he gay?' or things like that). Eventually I just settled on "Bella is Bella" when they asked me "is it a boy or a girl?", a kid's words for "I have no f*cking clue."

When I was still a little little kid (not that I'm old now, but you got the picture) I used to get mistaken for a boy quite often, because I had short hair, wore boyish clothes and did 'boyish' things. I never minded that though, and always enjoyed it even when they did that. I disliked 'girly-girls' and didn't want to be identified with them. (once a boy had played with me the entire midday. We did things like playing 'adventurer' in the forest and sliding down the mud into the river, that sort of things. We didn't even introduce, and when my mom called me by my name he looked at me dumbstruck and stammered something like "You're a GIRL!?" XD I laughed my ass off!)

I always just saw myself as a bit of a tomboy, as a girl who went 'against the stereotypes' of girly-ness (and I was PROUD of it! Still am by the way). I always liked technical things, stuff like lego, science, how technology worked etc. but also dinosaurs, dragons (dragons are awesome!), knights (when I was a lil' kid my dream was to be a knight ), and I also liked (and still like, though I lack the time) computer games and computers a lot. I've had quite some guys going completely amazed with my love for games and stories of LAN-parties through the night. Those looks were just priceless! When they started out looking at you like "omfg! You're a girl! What do YOU know?" And end up picking their eyes from the floor and chatting about the latest strategy or RPG game XD Thanks to my interests I've had more male friends than female ones for a long time, until high school, when the guys got into puberty, and many judged me without even asking (hardly anyone has ever inquired what my interests were since then, at least hardly any from the male half of the class). Now all my 'best' friends are girls, though I have to add that they're all quite like me (one more than the other) and are totally uninterested in typical womens/girls stuff (fashion? Clothes? Gossip? Anyone enlighten me, what do 'normal' girls do?), so I guess they're not stereotypical women either. XD

If I dared to tell my friends I'd ask them to address me as a male for a while, and see how it feels, y'know. If it's mainly awkward, weird, and 'wrong', or if it feels better and more natural. (after getting used to it of course. I mean, when you get a new name it will sound awkward at first too), but I really don't dare to tell anyone until I know 110% sure for myself that I'm trans*. (and then I'm not sure if I would, honestly)

But anyway, sorry if I'm bothering people with my ramblings, I'm just processing a lot right now. I think I'll now just need some time to see what my thoughts are about this after a few weeks/months, when I've thought about it a bit more and it doesn't feel like I'm doing something 'wrong' anymore. (as that is how it feels. Just fuck society for brainwashing me like that :S)

Grz,
White Raven

Niko · Mar 20, 2013

^ Pffft you sound a lot like me. :lol:

It is very possible that you are trans*. But I guess the problem lies with, the past doesn't really matter as much as what you feel like now. Do you feel like nothing much has changed since you were a kid? If so, then that's probably a good indication that you are trans*.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me. I'm always open.

WhiteRaven · Mar 20, 2013

That is... because I stole your soul! Mwhahah!
Ahem... ahem... just kidding, lol!

And good point Niko, the present is what truly matters! The reason why I mainly cited my past is that back then everything was a lot more prominent and obvious, but even though I'm older now, it hasn't disappeared.
I guess the main thing which changed is that I don't think about being male or female anymore (and liking/disliking it or wishing for the other. I almost just 'forgot' I even have a gender, if that makes any sense. Dunno how to describe it properly...) But I still don't feel particularly girly or 'womanly' (quite the contrary), and sometimes find myself silently wishing I were a guy (and no, that's not only during my period XD). Mostly in my dreams I actually AM a guy... (not always tho')
The main difference is that as a kid I really felt like I couldn't live as a girl, while now I've basically accepted that 'it is as it is', even though I would prefer being the other sex.

For a while I have had a bit of a girly phase, but back then I was really adapting myself to the world. I didn't WANT to be trans*, or lesbian, bi, whatever, I just wanted to be NORMAL. And that's what I portrayed upon myself. Lately I've let all those things go, and I'm expressing myself as I am more and more each day, and accepting who I truly am and LIVING that way! Since then these thoughts have slowly returned, and instead of putting them away I decided to seek them out this time. I eventually just have to know, right?

But anyway, thanks for the support and replies. I don't even want to THINK about talking about this with my parents or friends :S

P.S. Cassie, the comic is great. Thanks for sharing

Ettina · Mar 20, 2013

(like WoW! Just look at the characters there and agree with me that the males are ten thousand times more awesome. The girls are like inflated baboons with too much mass at the back and the front. Also the armours look like flimsy bikini's on the females and awesome armour suits on the males. Take your pick!)
Click to expand...

My reaction's pretty much the opposite of you. I think most WoW females look at least decent (though I would prefer smaller boobs on some of them) but the males are disgustingly overmuscled. Or else have ugly faces. I only ever play females. So not everyone agrees that WoW guys look better than girls.

Regarding the armor, you can get a wide variety of armor. Plenty of the female armor is pretty covering. I mean, my dwarf paladin looks like a little spikeball - pretty much only her face and upper arms are bare.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

WhiteRaven · Mar 21, 2013

I agree that WoW character in GENERAL look rather... ahem... overdone and inflated. But then I still preferred the guys. (muscles VS boobs. I take my pick!) I've never really played WoW for a long time, I think 2 months till level 35 or something, really nothing. But anyway... I remember I was so happy when I could get a mount, lol! XD

Just Jess · Mar 21, 2013

WhiteRaven said: ↑

But anyway, sorry if I'm bothering people with my ramblings, I'm just processing a lot right now.
Click to expand...

Hey this place is awesome for that Ramble on as much as you need to. This place is here for you and me so we've got somewhere safe to just talk about these things.

WhiteRaven · Mar 21, 2013

Thanks Cassie, it's great to be able to talk about things for once. Even though I've always been really accepting towards LGBT people, there was always this "As long as I'm not one of them" kind of voice in the back of my head (which actually proved that even though I thought I saw 'them' as nothing weird or odd, I actually DID... since if I didn't, why would I FEAR being one myself then? If I were really as accepting as I thought I was, I should care whether I would be straight, lesbian, bi, transgender... etc. right?)
Anyway, I'm now breaking away those boundaries for myself, so I can look without prejudice at myself and others. It's a bit frightening, but also amazingly liberating. Thank you people!

PurpleRain · Mar 21, 2013

Yay for liberation! I experienced the same problem for a while with the whole "as long as I'm not one of them" thing, but now I'm so happy to be a part of such an open and accepting community and I can't imagine not being a part of it again.

WhiteRaven · Mar 21, 2013

I can imagine. I have found out I really like the community as well, I love how friendly, open and accepting (hey wait, that were your words! I'm a word stealer!) all the people are.
Glad I'm not alone in having had those thoughts, but yeah, the more I hang around here the less prominent they get.
And I can only truly, objectively, judge when I'm not AFRAID of being LGBT (not all at once, obviously XD), as that will cloud my vision.

How can I know whether I'm transgender?

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Theodora
Regular Member

Ianthe
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

PurpleRain
Full Member

Oddish Guest

Just Jess
Full Member

Niko
Full Member

Sayu
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Niko
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Ettina
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Just Jess
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

PurpleRain
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

How can I know whether I'm transgender?

Thread Tools

WhiteRaven Regular Member

Theodora Regular Member

Ianthe Full Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

PurpleRain Full Member

Oddish Guest

Just Jess Full Member

Niko Full Member

Sayu Full Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

Niko Full Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

Ettina Regular Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

Just Jess Full Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

PurpleRain Full Member

WhiteRaven Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Theodora
Regular Member

Ianthe
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

PurpleRain
Full Member

Just Jess
Full Member

Niko
Full Member

Sayu
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Niko
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Ettina
Regular Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

Just Jess
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member

PurpleRain
Full Member

WhiteRaven
Regular Member