Dysphoria Progression

I know the feeling of acute dysphoria... It really REALLY sucks. I can't say I wake up not wanting to be a girl though, but I do know that my dysphoria gets worse as the day progresses... I was on a mini-vaca over the weekend at the beach... So many beautiful women in so many pretty bikinis. I honestly kinda wanted to drown after that. Instead I just got really sunburnt and look like a big, ugly crab. :dry:

 

I can actually kind of relate to that. When I was high school ageish I seem to recall being most dysphoric right before bed. Plus I didn't really think about gender when I was alone. Still to this day it gets so much worse when I'm in public and have to see all the cis girls and feel so jealous.

 

Hi PleaseHelp!

Sometimes things kinda wax and wane for me too. Less so since I've accepted myself for who I am, and the people closest to me have been more accepting.

What I do is really try to imagine what it was like when I was just totally closeted. How every relationship I had with people went. How bad I wanted a female body and to be able to have female friends that treated me like one of their own. That weird mixture of being turned on and jealous I got when I was around women. And even the success I had as a man. Being able to drink some people under the table. The first time I could do dips and pull-ups. The good and the bad. All the feelings like "it wasn't so bad" or "it was absolutely the most terrible thing in the world" go away and I start to see things just as they really were. And that helps me see things the way they are now. The dysphoria's still there. Sometimes it's even stronger But it's more consistent. And it's a million times easier to be whoever I need to be that day.

I think for me it was exactly like what you're describing too, first thing in the morning I'm like "well time to take these embarrassing things off and put on some sensible guy clothes and face the world, why do I even do this". But I think it would hit me just how much that whole double life sucked as soon as I started talking to people. I was succeeding at being someone I wasn't to an extent, but I could never really get close to anyone. I was never really sure how to react in any situation because everything was just so... fake. I was terrified of my own thoughts getting out as I talked... well etc etc, I mean we all go through our own BS and that was mine.

It took a long time before I realized I was more embarrassed THAT I was embarrassed, you know? I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like, it takes real guts to just admit that you're trans to yourself and other people. To have your confidence come from inside instead of people telling you you're doing things the right way. Iggy Pop said it, "I'm not ashamed to dress as a woman because I don't think it's shameful to be a woman". I think the more I felt that way, the more consistent things got for me too.

Actually there's another reason my dysphoria still cycles like that, not gonna lie. Ugh I hate my facial hair with a passion. But I'm better with the cover-up and I use way less now