I'm a Mom seeking help, support, and resources for my child

I don't have anything helpful to say, but I think it is wonderful that you and your husband are supportive and accepting of your daughter. Good luck sorting things out.

 

Five is pretty young - I remember wanting to be a boy at that age, and I grew out of it. On the other hand, there are plenty of trans who knew they were trans at that age. So basically, it could turn out either way.

Whether she outgrows it or not, at this point probably the best you can do is encourage her to be herself. Tell her you'll love her the same whether she's a boy or a girl, and let her do what feels natural regardless of what gender it's typical of. You can gently try to broaden her ideas of gender roles (most 5 year olds have very rigid ideas of gender roles, regardless of upbringing - it's a developmental stage they go through) and encourage her to try activities outside of her usual preference, as long as you don't suggest that being a boy or preferring to do boy things is bad.

Regarding reactions of others, being a girl who feels like a boy is probably easier than the other way around, in some ways, since a girl who acts like a boy tends to get better reactions than a boy who acts like a girl. It's a double standard - in some ways feminism liberated girls a whole lot more than boys. But unless she goes around telling them she's a boy, likely no one will think there's anything odd about her behavior.

One comment regarding counseling - some GID counselors for young kids are quite good, but there are many who seem to be trying to cure the GID instead of helping the child accept him/herself. The focus should be on making your daughter happier with herself, male or female, rather than trying to make her a girl. If your counselor does seem to want to cure the GID, look for someone else.

 

First of all, I would like to say that you guys are amazing parents. Alot of parents wouldn't be so supportive ans they would think it's just a phase. (*hug*)

Your local GP could always be a good support for you and your child. But I think that the most important thing is to show your child that you suppport and love him no matter what. You guys seem to do that already and that's great.

I looked up some sites for you guys :

Gender Identity Disorder Support Group
Help 4 Families
Gender Identity Disorder Reform
Gender Identity Disorder | Psychology Today

 

I have nothing useful to add either, I just wanted to send my good wishes. It's great that you and your husband are doing all you can to support her, it will make a great deal of difference to her as she grows up. Good luck in your journey with your daughter, I hope you all manage to find a way forward that can allow her to be happy in herself.

Vicki x

 

We are here to help and share our life experiences with you. It is always helpful if you ask specific questions that we can give try to give you specific answers.

I don't want to scare you but I can tell you that as a teenager I was almost beat to death for being gay. Coming from a small town in Ohio my parents relocated me to a larger community that I did not standout in, but also talked me back into the closet, which protected me but did not enable me to live the life that I was meant too. I am now back out of the closet and will not go back into, and live in Oregon which is very gay friendly.

As far as age is concerned, I knew i was gay at the age of 6 when I wanted to marry my best friend Paul and for me nothing ever really changed. In trying to make everyone happy and be straight I married two women, had a child and basically screwed up everyone's life in the process except my daughter's who loves me dearly for who I am. I would never wish for anyone to be gay or born into the wrong body, but I also know the pain of not living the life you were born to live. I wish everyone could be themselves and be accepted for who they are.

My family tried to do the right thing, but in some cases they caused more problems by trying to fix what could not be fixed, with that said I would not trade the world for any of them.

So feel free to ask away, we will help where we can.

 

All I can say is its great You support her. If anything happens at school just make sure to act fast BECUASE bullying is a terrible thing for anyone to go through but being gay, bi, trans we are already confused enough and are told we are not equals so it adds up on us a lot faster. I was bullied for years and it hurt me a lot luckily I grew up I got better Looking an bullying stopped but that's not relevant. You sound like a great mother, supporting and accepting I wish my parents were like you.

 

Thank you for being so supportive of your son first off! So many parents just try to stamp out those feelings and it can be so harmful... I'll be happy to help in any way I can. Feel free to send me a message any time if you need anything.

 

I don't have any references but myself, because I too went through that. Five years old is not too young. I knew there was something wrong and that I was a boy in a girl's body at the age of five. Of course I thought it was a phase and it would just pass on...but 20 years later it still hasn't given up.

Of course she is not me, and she could always out grow it when she's older. But I say just let her live the way she wants to live, and see what happens when she's older...especially around puberty. That was the worse time for me and several other trans* people. And well if she does end up being trans*, you already knew about it.

She's very lucky to have supportive parents like you.

 

More parents should be like you. I mean it.

Hm, resource-wise, the only thing I can think of is the blog Raising My Rainbow, in which the mother of an effeminate son (who acts in all ways like a girl but does not currently identify as one) writes about their adventures and challenges and fun and heartache. Whilst culture's reaction to female children acting and/or identifying as boys is different to its reaction to male children acting and/or identifying as girls, the blog does link to further resources sometimes and I believe that the writer has helped organise stuff for gender-creative children and their parents. You could try dropping her an email (if you're really really lucky she might be able to put you in touch with someone else too).

Before she starts school, try and do some research on if the school has a policy about LGBT students. It may be a few sentences hidden in some document, but ask if you need to. Definitely talk to your child's teacher before the year starts and explain the situation; you need them to be fully informed and hopefully supportive.

For just being supportive ("just"... bad word; being supportive is the best thing that you can do and it makes such a difference), I think I'd say to keep going as you are, and to be specific in saying that you will love them no matter what their gender is at the moment or in the future, else they consider your love conditional. I don't know what else to say, though; this isn't something I have experience with. Good luck and thankyou thankyou thankyou for being supportive of your child.

 

I was going to suggest talking with the school, but fiddledeedee beat me to it.

Otherwise, just keep in mind that your child isn't diseased. They aren't doomed to a horrible life. They don't have to seem all that "different" from any other child. If possible, treat them as normal as possible - and by that I mean unconditional love, which you already seem to understand. Go to bat for them as needed, but otherwise let them do their own thing. That's basically standard for parenting anyways, right? No need for this to be different.

You're awesome, by the way. (*hug*)

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Children don't have as much of a concept of this as others do. Just make sure the school knows what's going on with her and treat her how she wants to be treated at the time. Like others have said she may grow out of it, but she may not. Just continue to support her and see what happens. If she wants to be known by everyone as a boy then it would be prudent to inform the school that she is to be referred to by the proper pronoun. As long as she maintains that identity she'll be just fine. If any bullying does happen the school will probably come down hard about it as long as they're sympathetic which it sounds like they will be. And no nothing your doing is too drastic, you're being supportive of your daughter's choices and that's wonderful. Help her live her life and get through it all, and everything will be just fine.

 

Well, there are two issues here which I think you already know. Gender identity as well as sexuality. One is the sex with which one identifies, and the other of course which sex one is attracted to. Your child could be gay and attracted to same sex (girls), and that is simply all that there is to it. The child is not educated enough to know those subtles and differences. I know many many guys who as boys wanted to be girls, acted and dressed as girls, but eventually realized that they were happy as guys, but very attracted to men all along, and still are (gay). The girl identity was a phase, and they did grow out of it. Some love dressing and acting as girls, yet have no desire for sex reassignment.

Then there are those that state that they know they are in the wrong body, a girl that insists that they are a boy, they are often or sometimes masculine, yet still attracted to men (gay). So one would think they are in the best body already for sex with a man, yet they do not feel this way at all. They want to be gay men, and are attracted to gay men.

So the questions that needs to be cleared up over time, perhaps several or more years, is, is your child simply a gay girl that wishes she was a boy right now, or does actually have a strong gender identity difference from birth sex, and could be attracted sexually to makes or else females.

You may already know as much as what I have just written. But at least you are looking into the possibilities with open mind and love, which will make a major difference in this kids happiness.

 

Of course it makes sense. I know I'd be terrified for my child if I were in your situation. I think it would be a good idea to have talks with her about bullying and that if she wants to be a boy she has to present as one at school and that if she experiences any bullying to tell you. If she wants to use the boys bathroom you'll have to make her understand that she needs to use the stall and can't use the urinals. Overall, I'd just try to get her adapted to living as a boy. If your family has a problem with it then be firm with them and explain that you're helping her to live her own life. They'll probably think that you're just letting her do whatever she wants, but you aren't. You need to explain the condition. If you need scientific references for why trans* people exist I can help. Just post a message on my wall and I'll link some to you. I hope this helps.