I've been thinking a whole lot lately (a recurring theme, apparently) and a lot of that thinking has been centered on my gender. I've always been considerably more masculine than feminine. And I've always been criticized for it. My immediate family settled on the "it's just a phase" theory, and the general public took to either mocking me or accepting it. Of course, the mocking stood out much more to me. Passive acceptance is hardly noteworthy, especially to somebody who is chronically depressed. But anyway, when people used to mistake me for male (back in the early days when my breasts were easily concealable) I dreaded it. But I wonder if most of that dread came from the backlash--I knew that my peers would mock me incessantly, and they already mocked me more than enough. Back then, I was much less comfortable with being different or being criticized. I was on a quest to be accepted by all of my peers. Only recently have I come to realize that that's a fruitless and damaging desire. So now that I'm not afraid to be who I am, I'm starting to wonder if I might legitimately want to be a man, outside of any advantages I might imagine them to have socially, and beyond that idea I expressed when I was younger that being female made me a target for evildoers. I'm no longer offended when people ask if I'm lesbian. In fact, it makes me just the teeniest bit happy, because I take it as a sign that I'm giving off a more masculine visage. However, I never get "sir-ed" like I used to, and I think that's primarily because I have two beach balls planted on my chest. And maybe because these darned "birthing hips." Doing research into binding and packing has made me... excited, I suppose. The idea that I can stand to pee with a (relatively) realistic looking penis, or that I can mask (at least a little) these knockers of mine is highly attractive. All the same, I feel like I can't really know if I want to live life as a male unless I try out life passing as one. All that said, do you think it's a good idea to try to be consistently read as male so I can see how it feels? Or should I make the determination purely from how I feel now?
Well, from the sound of things you might be trans*, but really only you can figure that out. Doing things like binding in private and wearing men's clothes would definitely be a good way to tell if you're more comfortable with the role. Of course if you go to a therapist with gender issues and get diagnosed with GID they'll make you go through a period of living as a male before you can get hormones, so I'd say just do what you feel. If you turn out to be trans* you'll already have a step ahead at the therapist's. Do what you feel is right to do sweetie. I hope things go well for you!
Only you can determine your gender and how you want to live. I'd say try crossdressing, binding, attempting to look more male and carry out day-to-day activities as a man and see how you feel. It's a very, very hard commitment to make.. and it's distressful. But if you want to pursue it, do what you really want.
I'd say try going dressing as male if you have a safe environment to do it. See how you feel about being identified as male in public. Its very possible you could be trans* but that's something only you can decide. The important thing is to differentiate between gender expression and gender identity, which can be difficult. Just present however makes you happiest, provided you can be safe in doing so. Best of luck (*hug*)
