Hey everybody, so after quite some time with struggling with my gender identity I realized (after extensive internet research) that the most fitting word for my personal gender identity would probably be 'genderqueer'. Nevertheless I'm still having problems with calling myself that. I would like to share my feelings/experiences here with the hope of getting some input/help. I actually am confused about a lot of things here and while I will be trying to be as clear as possible there's still the possibility that this might be confusing. If so, feel free to ask. So, I'm 23 years old, male-bodied (male assigned at birth) and for most of my life I identified as a cisgendered heterosexual, although I always somewhat had fun embracing feminity and not caring about what others thought about that. By now I have realized that I don't really care about my gender. I don't feel particularly male or female and don't care what pronouns someone might use to describe me. I read a lot about this for quite some time now and although there are a lot of words that describe genderqueer identities (agendered, bigendered, genderfluid, and so on...) I don't really feel like I fit in any of those categories, which led me to the conclusion that I identify simply as genderqueer and don't want to be put in any of those categories. So far there would be no problem for me, but the problem I'm having is that my gender presentation is almost exclusively male (except for the occasional crossdressing) up to the point that I'm usually wearing a beard. I do this because I feel comfortable doing so and am totally ok with how I look and how my body is shaped. (And the beard just grows and I kinda like it, so why shouldn't I keep it.) Like I said above, I am also attracted to women/femininity and the internet told me that identifying as genderqueer the correct term for that would now be gynesexual. And all this is actually the problem that I'm having. I am constantly read as the cisgender heterosexual I used to identify as and I am still comfortable being identified as such. (I would prefer if people could/would acknowledge that I don't care about this, but I completely get, why they read me as such. Hell, I would probably read myself as such, if I saw me on the street.) I still also am comfortable being read as androgyne/female/whatever but since this is not my usual gender expression it just doesn't happen that much. This of course puts me in a position of privilege. Basically I have every privilege there is to think about. Cis, male, hetero, white. So although I don't identify as all of those categories (the only category I would identify as being white and that's not really a choice, because I just am, but it's alway important to be aware of your privileges.), I kind of feel that saying that I am genderqueer would be appropriating a position I don't really have because of me having all these privileges other genderqueers don't have. (And I get that gender identiy and gender expression are two different things, it just feels somewhat weird.) Conclusion: I still feel genderqueer, but I am still reluctant to say this openly, because of all the privileges I have because of my gender expression. I hope this isn't to weird. (Having written this I am not really sure, if there even is a solution for this, but still...)
You know this feels really a lot like how bisexual people feel wrt the lesbian and gay community. But they get a lot of flack that's unique to them too. The reputation for infidelity is I think the biggest thing they have working against them. Also in situations with a bi guy in a hetero relationship with a woman, the woman sometimes decides they aren't a "real" man and breaks things off. Stuff like that. Everyone's got their own unique problems and it doesn't do us any good to try to rank them and figure out who has it worst. Even if you find a category, there's real life that sucks for us as individuals that doesn't get factored in. We aren't demographics. We're people. Human beings with goals and dreams and feelings. The thing about someone that goes through the whole process to become a fully transitioned transsexual, is that that is something that person wants. Yes, it means leaving privilege behind. Yes, it means opening yourself up to a whole lot of abuse and hate. Yes it's terrifying. Yes, it is hell on personal relationships. Yes, it's harder to maintain a professional life. And yes, a lot of us would just as soon not have to go through all of that to get to point B. But point B is what people like me want. To be ourselves, all the time, no secrets, no feeling like shit about ourselves all the time, no senseless shame, no feeling left out all the time, no feeling like we're acting and failing at living in a role we couldn't possibly be prepared for. It's worth it to us. It's not a magic bullet that solves all our problems. There are always scars from our former lives. But it does solve what is often our biggest problem. So what I'm saying is, you, being genderqueer. If you are open about it, and you really care about people like me, you are so so awesome. Because you are making life easier just by being willing to take that list of terrible things I just mentioned, and making them less of a big deal, being you and blurring the lines. Go ahead and rock your beard. Go ahead and throw on a cute skirt. The fewer hurdles I have to go through, the better. And you being out there means that I am one person less likely to run into someone that is going to make me feel like shit during transition. Really, I mean, don't do it out of guilt though. Screw that. You're a human being right? That means you've probably come across your own fair share of BS. Yes, other people have it worse than you. Other people have it worse than me. But you know what? I started out life in a really shitty place, and when I was there, I didn't want other people to have shitty lives just because misery loves company. When people I liked were happy, I was happy. I'm that kind of person I guess; I don't get jealous. I think it would be great if most people got what they wanted out of life. So don't feel guilty. I'm choosing to go after what I want in life. I've got obstacles, but you know what, they are my obstacles, and they are making me a better person and more able to go after my other life goals in the process. But if you want to make the world a slightly more awesome place, or you just want to be true to you and go after what you want, then go for it and thanks
"gender is a universe and we are all stars" Spoken Word Poetry Lacey Roop - Gender Is A Universe - Eugene Poetry Slam April 2011 Part 1 - YouTube
