So I was reading Misfile a little bit ago and I got into Book 15. On the page for September 19, 2011. The very last panel just struck me really hard... I'll post the page so you can read it. It just made me hurt really bad on the inside when I read it.... Being trans* from either end I mean... You can't just go back and live through the experiences you should've had... When I read that I had to stop for a while. I immediately got up and went to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and cried so no one could hear me... It's the first time since coming out to myself that I've actually felt really really sad. I know it's probably silly to get so bent out of shape over a comic strip, it just hit me really hard in a vulnerable place... That's the one thing that I just can't think about without feeling sad... I'm really just venting right now, but if I had to ask anything it'd be "How can I get rid of this feeling?" I'm sorry I probably sound like an emotional wreck, and I probably shouldn't let it get to me so much it's just... Hard. :tears:
(*hug*)(*hug*)It's alright. When things people generally expect to be somewhat light material hit close to home, it can hurt. I know that when I watched the last few episodes of Negima! for the first time, I was crying for about a week. Now, I was 11 when I lost my best friend, so I knew what the protagonist was going thru emotionally, and it kinda brought it back up. (&&&)(*hug*)(*hug*)
(*hug*) The panel that did it to me was when Ash had to break up with a girl because she was treating him like another girl in the relationship. That one hit so close to home since my partner was still viewing me as a guy in a dress. Surprisingly I'm still with my partner and she is becoming much more accepting of me as of late. But at the time it pretty much destroyed old "macho closeted" me's resistance to crying. I am such a crybaby at home now but it's a million times easier to deal with the shit life throws at you, so eh, six of one half a dozen of the other. It is really hard not having that life experience though. I get that way when my partner asks me why I would *want* to have a period. I know it sucks for women. I know a lot of women go on birth control to get rid of the stupid things. But I also know every woman that says that knows damn well what was going through their heads when they were 12 years old and wanting to get their periods and become women. And so that's what helps me I think. Every girl, born with a male body or not, has gone through something kinda sorta similar. You and I, if everything works out, will get to go through puberty as a girl yet. We just got a later start than most women is all. That's the best I got anyway I don't think anything will ever be good enough and it sucks so bad. It feels good for me knowing I've got some sisters out there going through the same crap, so hope you can feel a little of the same.(&&&)
I just... I thought that I was over this. I thought I nipped this problem in the bud when I came out to myself, but I didn't... It's not even that I don't feel like a woman because I do and no one could tell me any differently, it's that I've been deprived of experiences that I should have had... We all should have had them. I think I'm more angry than anything, but I don't like feeling anger so I take the angry pain and turn it into sadness pain... Thank you all for your responses it really does help. (*hug*) (&&&)
It's alright. It'll be okay. I understand where you're coming from. I came out to myself almost a year ago now and I've still had many depressed phases stemming from things like this. It's frustrating, I know, but these things will eventually improve. I'm sure, however, that there will still be these phases post-transition, but we can push through these phases when they come. I'm here to talk any time, so don't hesitate to message me if you need to.
Well, I know how you feel about thinking you've missed out. I feel that I had been robbed of a few years of my childhood, but I focus of what the future could hold and how much better I feel being myself now. I try to not focus on it but sometimes things like that just seem to catch up to you. And girl, you dont have to worry about being emotional, I think it shows that you truly are female and have the emotions to match your heart. (*hug*)
My lost childhood is really hard to deal with sometimes. Thinking back on all those lost Christmas and Birthdays I never got to experience hurts. I try to cope by telling myself that my past will not dictate what my future is any longer. When I am psychically correct I'm going to throw the biggest Christmas bashes to make up for what I was robbed of. Granted, I wasn't sexually harassed by boys or dealt with having girl fights; but I try to look at things in that most people would never experience my set of problems. Living life as someone else is far harder than anything a cisgendered girl would ever have to put up with. Things like trying not to feel uncomfortable peeing around a group of guys, being forced into "being a tough guy" against my will, being beaten up as if I was a guy, and seeing how girls can use unfair double standards because I was perceived as being male. My trials and struggles shaped me to be much tougher to discrimination than what a cisgendered childhood could have ever offered. And I got to experience unique things that most girls never would. Not many girls get to see the inner-workings of how guys really think and talk to each other. By being trans* I learned how a girlfriend should not act in a relationship through experience in dating straight girls. I also got to see how full of it the media and society is with assigned gender roles and vow not to enforce them on anyone else. So in a sense being trans* has helped me to open my eyes to the world from a unique perspective. I now have empathy for guys in a lot of areas that cis girls would never understand. Through our troubled childhoods we truly cherish what it means to be a woman as we have to earn it. I know it's tough now; but in the end you'll be far stronger and more proud of yourself than any woman who was just handed their gender at birth. So hang in there hun! (*hug*)
I think emily kinda got the wrong end of things there. Yes, Ash had trouble getting girls, despite being in a girl's body. But I don't think its because he's not been raised as one, I think its because he's got a male gender identity. All of those learnt behaviours can be learnt in later life, and they can begin to feel natural. Thats basically a fancy way of saying "You'll figure things out since you're a girl"
(*hug*)Hang in there sister(*hug*) I know what you are talking about though. I think back about how different things would have been had my parents accepted me as a little girl, instead of forcing me to wear blue jeans and play baseball(which I hated). You showed great courage and strength coming out to yourself, you can come through this on top!(&&&) I hope you feel better soon!!!!(*hug*)
I get what you mean. I wish I could go back in time, and had lived a cis-male childhood. I did boy things, all of my friends were male, but I never grew up as a boy. I'll never know how it would have felt to experience my childhood as one. And I feel like now that I'm just starting to transition, that I'll never really know... but I have to be strong and remind myself that I am a boy on the inside, and now that I've identified that, I can live much more free.. and spend my late teens and the rest of my life as the man I was meant to be. And you too, sweetheart, are a woman. And as life progresses, you'll be able to live as the young lady you are. I haven't read this comic specifically, but the panel hit me hard, too. Hand in there, girlie! You have incredible strength to be able to come out to yourself, and sometimes a good cry is needed.. and it's nice to reflect on the things that we might have missed out on, but in a way.. it can help us strive to live, and experience the memories we didn't have, growing up. Feel better soon. (*hug*)
