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How do I know if I'm Trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Lostdreamer, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. Lostdreamer

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    hey so this is first time I've done a forum on anything before so there might be a lot of ramble so I'm sorry, but I really need help and not sure where to get it or how to ask. But hopefully this will help, so here is a bit of info about me.

    I'm an 18 year old girl living in a very small and simple minded town with my grandma and aunt. I'm openly bi to everyone but my family (only my mom and younger cousins know). Since I started high school I have been contently questioning my gender, and lately as graduation is creeping closer and closer. I've been questioning a lot more. It been so bad I'm losing sleep over it (hence why I'm typing this at 4 in the morning). I keep thinking that I want to be male, I like my hair short and dressing in guy cloths, it makes me feel comfortable, I hate wearing makeup, heels, dresses, anything that makes me look female. I even hate my breast, I try to hide them as best I can, but they aren't exactly the easiest to hide. I envy guys, and can't keep a romantic relationship to save my life. I just feel like there's something missing.

    I want to go see a therapist and talk to them about theses feelings, but I don't know how to get my grandma to agree to it. What should I do?
     
  2. WhiteRaven

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    First of all, welcome to EC, and don't worry about rambling! Sometimes you just need a place to vent, I tend to ramble a lot as well. If you want something off your chest, don't worry and get it out! :wink:

    We have pretty much in common, though the environment I live in is quite tolerant in general (most fears and problems originate in myself, rather than my parents or friends, as I know they will accept me for who I am. I'm just such a wimp!), but I've been questioning my gender identity for a long while as well, and know I'm more than likely bi too. (I'm not out about it tho')
    It sounds like their is a pretty good chance that you are trans, this is something only YOU can know for yourself though. Imagine yourself as a man, how does that feel? The main difference between tomboys & lesbians and transguys is (for as far as I know) that transpeople actually want to BE the other sex, while tomboys and lesbians are just 'masculine girls' and are fine with being seen as a girl (not all lesbians tho', I'm just using stereotypes here). It could be that this isn't immediately clear for you, and that doesn't say ANYTHING about your trans-ness, it could be that you just felt restricted by your family/society, or anything like that, and suppressed your 'male self', something like that happened with me, which caused be to be extremely confused about whether I was trans or not. As each time I started feeling good as a guy, some sort of a 'defence mechanism' kicked in and made me feel horrible about it, now that is (mostly) gone I can much clearer feel that I actually am trans, and long to be a guy.

    Talking to a therapist is not for everybody, but it's definitely a good idea (I want to do it eventually too, once I have gotten the guts to confront my parents with it, because I'm slowly going crazy like this!). I wouldn't know how to make your grandma agree, tho'. The best idea would prolly be to just say what you want without a doubt, explain her how you feel and don't compromise if she doesn't believe you or starts prodding. Just tell her you just feel this way, it's horribly confusing and you hope a therapist can help you out or something, if she's reasonable she should agree...

    Anyway, good luck on your journey! :wink: Just remember; you're not alone! *hug*

    EDIT: I should stop the lazy tho'-ing, it's getting a bit out of hand, lol!
     
    #2 WhiteRaven, Mar 26, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2013
  3. Zannan

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    Do you feel like people should use the pronouns he or him? Do you cringe at the thought of being refered to as she, her, Ms.? Most transgender people can answer yes to both questions.
     
  4. WhiteRaven

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    But then again, when I first considered whether I might be trans, I didn't fit that criteria at all. It's like when you get used to something, you then don't think about it anymore.
    Though now I have accepted what I am, and that that's it not something 'bad' or 'wrong', the desire to be referred as "he" or "him" or "sir" (I'm way too young to be a sir though, lol!) rather than "she" "her" "girl" has grown a lot(my mom can't stop calling me "her girl" every ten seconds. So bloody annoying. She's all like "And you are my lovely girl!" and I'm like "Ehmmm... eh-eh." *semi-affirmative sound*) But for a long time I didn't even take notion, it flushed over me like... nothing... a word without a meaning...
     
  5. Exoskeleton

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    Welcome to EC, a realm of support and acceptance with a generous helping of ranting and rambling. :slight_smile:

    I definitely have no answers for you. I'm questioning my gender myself, and answers haven't come fast. From what I've seen around here, it's quite common for answers not to come fast. A lot of it comes down to sifting through all of your socialization, parting the veil of what society has demanded from you and how they've treated you, and getting down to how it is you really feel and what you really want.

    Now, you mentioned that you aren't out as bisexual to your family. Is this because you find them to be an un-accepting group of people? I think seeing a therapist for you feelings may be a good idea. From what I've heard, they can help you sort through your feelings and find out if you really want to become a male or not. If your grandmother isn't accepting of various sexualities and gender identities, then getting her to let you go could be a problem. It all really depends on how exactly she sees gender identity. Even if she's on the un-accepting side of the spectrum, she may see therapy as a chance to "fix you" and you'll get what you want while she'll be blissfully ignorant of it's true nature. :thumbsup:

    But, you said that you're 18. How long do you imagine it will be before you're capable of attending therapy without your grandmother's permission (I do understand that for a lot of people, being 18 doesn't necessarily mean independence, for various reasons)?
     
  6. Lostdreamer

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    Thank so much for the reply's they've helped a lot. I was really afraid of posting on here, but my fears are gone now. The pronouns don't really bother me, I've grown up with it, so I hardly notice it anymore. As for grandmothers acceptance; she hates anything different from the "norm" whether that's being a gay, or goth, dying your hair a odd color, or whatever.
     
  7. WhiteRaven

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    Yeah, I had that too. I didn't even really label a meaning to it, it was just the pronoun used for me, that's it...
    I suppose it varies from person to person, and I think the older you are the more likely you have to 'adapt' to the thought of being a guy and have difficulties with society norms, etc. :frowning2: They really blocked me from accepting myself as I am anyway, and even though I can now openly say it to myself without feeling horrible, I don't have everything entirely sorted out yet.
     
  8. anticip

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    MY MOM DOES THE SAME THING AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY xD
     
  9. Ettina

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    I just tried thinking of how I feel about being called 'he'. Which has only ever happened online - apparently I look pretty unambiguously female.

    It usually sounds wrong to me. I might not care enough to comment, sometimes, though other times I'll correct them.

    On the other hand, I did consider telling this one FtM kid, in the summer program I volunteered with, that he could call me 'he', since I was officially forbidden to call him 'he'. (Apparently his 'therapist' was hoping he'd outgrow wanting to be a boy.)
     
  10. sonatinaRei

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    Personally, I feel that gender identities really don't apply to everyone. If a person wants to wear clothes marketed to typical cisgender men, it doesn't necessarily mean that person is a "boy" in the traditional sense of the word. For the longest time I thought I was a "girl" until I realized I really just enjoyed the things marketed towards girls. I have taken female hormones since then and loved how they made me feel, so I decided to continue taking them forever despite not feeling that I am what traditional society would call a girl. At the same time though, I never felt any connection with the word boy either. It led me to the conclusion that I really just don't fit in any sort of gender identity binary. If gender identity binary does not apply to me, neither does the concept of gender expression, so at the end of the day, anything I do is just because Rei wants to do it. haha

    Could you live the rest of your life happily being called she? If you think not, I believe it's absolutely okay to experiment with being called he. Maybe you won't like that either? Honestly, none of us really KNOW anything. Life is just a long journey of self discovery. You aren't going to figure out who you are overnight and the only way to figure out what path is right for you is to experiment. Go with your feelings and follow your heart with full confidence that you are you, no matter what sort of identity you or others have for yourself. There is no one size fits all box in life. :slight_smile:
     
    #10 sonatinaRei, Mar 30, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2013
  11. WhiteRaven

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    Great reply Rei!

    I am struggling myself with this as well, I feel like I would prefer being a guy, but still don't really feel 100% male, if you get what I mean. It's terribly confusing, I'm much rather be a 'real' transguy or a 'real' cisgirl, something which fits either of the two sexes instead of some 'in between' kind of solution. Especially because NO ONE ever told me those 'in between' solutions even EXIST!

    I know one thing for sure tho', and that's I'm not simply a 'normal' cisgirl. I've always felt like something wasn't 'right', like I was 'different', if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a gender at all, but is that even possible...?
    But IF I then have to chose a 'mould' for myself, a body, a sex, I'd still rather be male than female.

    And it's really odd, I like being called a guy, but NOT if people know I'm a girl, like when friends/family suddenly start using different pronouns, or even when people on an online forum do where I've long been identified as 'female'. Also the thought of CHANGING into a guy (physically) feels weird and doesn't appeal to me, but the thought of BEING a guy from start does. WTF!? What is that for a crazy mindfuck!?
     
  12. opti

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    its interesting to read about others going through similar things, b strong
     
  13. CircusBear

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    Dude. I get that, so much. Maybe it's different for you, but for me I think I hate it because it feels like they're just humoring me. Like they're just going along to be polite, or because it's "cute." Then again, I just really hate pretense. I don't know where I want to go NOW (or even what I am), but I know that if you'd asked 12 year old me whether I'd rather go through male puberty or female puberty, I would have been like "I WANT TO GET TALLER AND HAVE MY MUSCLES MAGICALLY GET BIGGER AND HAVE AWKWARD ELBOWS AND OVERSIZED HANDS ." So, if you're crazy, so am I :thumbsup:
     
  14. Daydreamer1

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    God, and I thought I was the only one.
     
  15. CircusBear

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    And to the original poster: Someone on the Reddit transforums said this, and while I don't have an answer, I think it might help you.

    Imagine there was a button. If you press it, you will turn into a guy, right now, completely, no take backs, and everyone will accept it. Do you press the button?

    Now, what if there was a button that would make you happy with being a girl? You'd stop hating your boobs, you'd stop thinking about being a guy, you'd stop hating girl stuff so much. Do you press that button?
     
  16. Lostdreamer

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    I know who you feel. I feel the same way White Raven. I Don't feel male or female, i'm just doing me and trying to find were I fit in in this world.
    I have recently discovered that i feel weird and very uncomfortable when people call by female pronouns. I feel like their not really talking to/about me, but a whole other person in general. I have also become aware that I really enjoy being called by male pronouns, thank to someone mistaking as a guy for the first time in my life (I'm very happy about that BTW)
    But still deep down they both feel wrong in a way, It's madding X_x
     
  17. Just Jess

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    I think the answer to this second question for most people depends on whether they came to terms with who they were, and came out already, or not. What I mean is, by itself, I don't think it's enough to help you know if you are trans*. But if you do know your trans* already, I think it makes more sense.

    I know for me, the day I reached the point where I knew I would push the first button and not the second... I felt really in tune with who I was. It was like I wasn't fighting with myself any more. I wasn't just stuck with a terrible problem, woe is me. I was choosing this for a change. I actually liked who I was for a change. It became a positive change in my life that was worth fighting for. I can be a woman, as a verb, and not just a noun, if I have just a little bit in the way of guts, smarts, and resources. I can live a life that makes sense for a change. I can play the game of life without one hand tied behind my back. And I can be loved for who I really am.

    But if you asked me six months ago, it'd be the exact opposite. Who in their right mind would throw away everything they know, the whole life they built, and for what? To have something more in common with 3.5 billion people? You've got to be kidding me!

    I don't think the scenario is that unrealistic. A lot of us go a long time pushing that second button every day. I know I tried really hard to enjoy the gender role that matches my birth sex for a long time, and I even succeeded some times. But who I am underneath doesn't change just because I feel better about my circumstances and I think that's the aim of the second question.

    I think the second button is really the right choice for a lot of people though. I think if who you are underneath is just someone who was curious or felt a little confined by society, pushing #2 would make your life a lot easier. Or better yet, even not pushing either button. Maybe you can express your identity and feelings however you want to, and if the people in your life get bent out of shape about it, then you can let it be their problem. I mean, just blurring the lines or even finding out you're really genderqueer anyway, if that's who you are, then screw the choices and make your own buttons, you know?

    But me, yeah. The first button is definitely the right one for me.
     
  18. WhiteRaven

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    YES! THIS!!
    I also just hate pretence, and I KNOW my body is female, and 'changing' into a guy would feel like faking it somehow. Even though I KNOW it's not. Though lately I've become a lot more accepting of my male personality and feelings, and I've actually started preferring them most of the time. I'm still a long way from who I am, but it's gettin' there!
    Also, when I was a lil' kid I was always so jealous of men's puberty (they get muscles, height, beards and a low voice, and we get... periods (blah!) boobs (blah!) hips (blah!), leg/armpit hair, which is not too blah only that >WE< have to shave it off (I could never get myself to do that. It felt like the last step to 'womanhood', if 'ya get me)

    I've hammered the second button to death the last years, it did help but only for a short time, and now I'm at the point that when I would have been given the actual choice I'd probably be unable to choose. Going to the first one moment, and the second the other. Deep in my heart I want to press the first one, though my fears are keeping me from doing so.
    If I HAD to press a button, I'd probably take a deep breath, close my eyes, hope for the best, and slam my hand down on the first one.