Being a lady is really starting to bother me. Which is funny. Because it hasn't bothered me in years. It didn't start being a major issue again until I really sat down and looked through all my feelings. Yeah, there's never been a day where I've liked the abundance of tissue bouncing along on my chest. But I haven't been opposed to being female for awhile. Now, even the thought of being seen as female kills my desire to leave my house. I didn't go to school today, because I just don't have the energy to spend 8 hours being a girl, if that makes any sense. It hardly even makes sense to me--it seems really ridiculous to feel that way. I shouldn't matter that I'm a girl and people treat me accordingly... but it does. I only have one pair of boxers. This being because I was only able to convince my mother to get me one pair (because they would be expressly for sleeping, you know). I have been attached to these boxers for the past few days, because I'm at loathe to put on a pair of panties. Panties are just so feminine. The only way I could find the desire to even step foot out of my house today was when I put on the most manly outfit I have and walked out the door with my very best man walk. I cringe when I hear my voice. And don't even get me started on these airbags. It's just... ugh! You know? I feel ridiculous for feeling like this. And it's interfering with my life. But I do feel like this and can't seem to overcome it enough to function.
Don't feel ridiculous. It's a very genuine and important problem and you shouldn't feel ashamed of your pain. There's a ton of scientific theory about brain structure and hormones that make it perfectly normal for you to feel this way. Also, don't get hung up on the fact that it took you longer to realise. I only fully realised my gender when I was 17... not even a full year ago. Also, you could always buy some more boxers yourself. In fact, you could even try wearing some more androgynous men's clothes and that will probably help suppress your dysphoria to a degree. If you ever want to chat about it or vent, I'm available.
I'm in almost the same exact situation. I know how those feeling are and it took me a little while to start really disliking my body also (for me it really became bad once puberty hit). One thing that I want to stress though is not letting your grades drop because of it. I went through a period of time not really caring about schoolwork (stayed home a few too many days on top of procrastinating) and now I have a very poor grade in two classes. It doesn't seem like a problem right now, but don't let it become something you do on a regular basis (it won't pay off, trust me). As for the voice, have you ever tried focusing on bringing tone from the bottom of the throat and more chesty and raspy. Also, Most guys speak in a monotone with less projection. It's kinda hard to explain the feeling and everything but I hope it helps. PS- Well, you got a song stuck in my head but altleast it's not Winter Wra-. NM, there it is...
Thanks for your support guys. I've been practicing my man voice like mad. Inflection wise I shouldn't have much of a problem, as I've never been one for much variation in tone (to the point where people are apparently "amazed" that I can maintain a gravelly monotone so well). But I hear, at least in my head, higher pitches that I want gone so bad. I'm excited for this fall. I'll be able to exercise a lot more control over what I wear.
I have had feelings of dysphoria for like 15 years, but only realized it was because I was trans/a guy about three or four years ago. So I know exactly how you feel. My voice really bothers me too, and its really not that high; however, I have a panic attack almost every time I have to talk on the phone. I hope you can get some clothes or at least underwear that makes you feel better soon. You'd be surprised how much little things help, like a pair of men's shoes, or even specifically men's deodorant haha.
One thing ftm have over mtf is natural voice re-construction. Being on testosterone will naturally lower your voice; while mtf's like myself have to work hard/struggle over an 'acceptable' voice if we wish to follow suit. Don't stress, things will make sense in time if you allow it.
Story of my life. I think I had about 60% attendance at school. What you need to do right now is go out alone and purchase a number of boxers which look similar enough to the ones your mother allowed you to get so that she won't notice anything when washing. Alternatively, you can wash them yourself. Buy/make a binder, if you don't already have one. Honestly, apart from the dreaded bathroom, you can live in guy-mode for months at school without anyone even noticing. People are just used to 'girls' looking like guys these days. When you feel comfortable enough to live your life, if that is possible, then take the time to explore your gender identity more. It may be that you're ftm, and that transition is the correct path for you.
um wow everyone amazing thread... i feel like purple... im working so hard on it and i have a natural soft voice. i practice and practice. i found a whole bunch of voice exercises but i dont feel like i got it down. i can talk a lil higher and not have the bass but i cant get perfection, i see other mtf on hormones living fully for like 5 yrs... they sound so perfect... i dont think the hormones help the voice right?? it seems they just have done it enough they got it down?? so not being perfect at my first steps... eh.. im not discouraged :icon_bigg
^ Well whatever you can do is pretty good, opti. I can't get anywhere near a female range anymore. I can appreciate how hard it must be. No, hormones won't help your voice, but I do seem to remember hearing that you can get some minor surgery to help it if you're really struggling.
(*hug*) you're not alone Exo! I actually didn't have ANY dysphoria for (almost) entirely through high school (moment that my boobs began to grow and my periods started excluded. Though they are still small, they piss me off big time!) For a moment I even felt bad for having such small breasts and such a androgynous/male-ish body. You know why; I just wanted to 'belong', like everyone in their teenage years. I felt like and outcast and blamed it on my looks, even though I knew they were not to blame. For a moment I even tried dressing up 'girly', using makeup and getting long hair. And I detested it. I simply felt uncomfortable and 'not me', but always blamed it on different things. I didn't want to acknowledge that I might not be the same gender on the inside as on the outside. Always there was this little voice saying it was 'wrong', etc. Now I have embraced who I am, and opened my eyes for it, I've been swung back and forth between two sides. One moment I am controlled by these old fears, the things society crammed into my head, and I am all in doubt, and when I'm not I'm being haunted by a horrible dysphoria and I just want to get AWAY from this body, this face, this voice, NOW! But when it's so critical I'm like "Okay, I'm going to say it! I'm going to tell it, so I can get something done about it!" and am ready to tell it to my parents, my friends, everyone, doubt strikes again. This (created) female half pops up again, starts chatting about me just overreacting, being a tomboy and nothing more and what I would lose when getting on T, like (possibly) the ability to bare children. That I don't WANT to bare children doesn't occur to me then. It spooks the shit out of me. (I'm not saying I don't WANT children, but I don't want to be the person who has to 'poo them out') And I LOVE boxers! I have only two, but I'm really attached to them. I also have a pair of swimming trunks, instead of a bikini (I have a top though, unfortunately, even though I have little chest it's still too much), and I love those as well. Finally I don't feel ashamed when I see myself in swimming clothes! Somehow I would wish my dysphoria would just stay, y'know. That probably sounds stupid, but then I would get the courage to tell my parents, go to a therapist and find a solution. Now it pops up each time, but goes away when I want to 'take the step' and come out. It's maddening!!!
I can wholeheartedly sympathize with you, in the opposite of course. I didn't go to work today because I can't stand being a "man." I that I have male genitalia, and I look online at pictures of women and just cry because I fear I can never be the woman I am in my heart. The boxer thing is totally understandable. I haven't worn traditional male underwear in months. I will go commando before wearing boxers now. I just don't feel right if I do wear them. I wear sports bras just for added confidence, I have man boobs but they are not substantial, I have no need to wear one but I do. Smile, it maddens the senses(in a good way)!
I feel the same. I have to play the game in "girl mode" whenever I go to school. I'm not a person who blends in, easily. If I were to go back, boy and all.. a lot of people would flip out. On my last day before Easter break, I binded my chest and I got a weird comment from one of my friends (whom I've somewhat come out to). I'm going to refrain from what she said, but it made me feel dysphoric as hell. Like what others have suggested.. go out and buy more boxers. Buy all of the androgynous, or male clothing you can get. I know it's tough with parents who disapprove (I have to deal with this on a daily basis, between my mother putting my boxers and male clothes in the wash so I can't wear them to school), but even just taking one step at a time.. buying one piece of clothing at a time, and building up your wardrobe, will help. Also, I know this sounds disgusting, but I used to wear my one and only pair of boxers before I gained independence from my parents (money-wise), every single day, with panties underneath. Just so I wouldn't feel so alienated, and girlish. I hope that you can go to a gender therapist soon, if you feel that transitioning is the way to go. Ever since I've started going, I've felt so much more relief in my life. Between being placed on hormone blockers, being referred to as a male by my therapist, and discussing my issues, I couldn't ask for a better (temporary) relief.
