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work and transgender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by opti, Mar 28, 2013.

  1. opti

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    so monday i hit the wall as my post was titled.
    i just couldnt handle going on pretending to be who i wasnt.
    i felt i would kill myself if i couldnt start being who i felt i was.
    after nearly being committed i spent the week seeking counsel and i am kinda just simply in the wrong place to be transgendered. there isnt even any lgbt groups out here. i came out to the last few close ppl i havent told and it was a little relief

    i had a meeting with my boss expecting to get fired yesterday. in fact he did not fire he hinted on how much they need me. let me start by saying i really dont care about the job. i want to pick up and move somewhere i can get the help i need. my workplace employs one woman to walk around with a broom all day, seriously...

    im scared to come out at work for the harassment i know i would go through. and i believe eventually it would lead to me getting fired for a different reason. theyre not gonna fire me for being transgendered they arent stupid. i dont want to put myself through the other employees harassment yet not being able to be myself has kept me from going in all week. im down enough im trying to avoid negative situations until i feel stronger about myself, and once i do i want to stand up for transgender and say look at me im proud to be myself you can be too..

    i havent found a community yet where i will get the help and support i need yet, so im unsure where i want to go. maybe madison? chicago? idk
    i consider putting in my two weeks notice but with no plan that seems stupid.

    the hardest thing im facing is going in today because i said i would. we have custom shirts with our name printed on it and it really hurts me to put it on and see that name kinda torturing me. im nervous to spend a day as the man i have to be because i know its gonna make me depressed.

    im def alone out here and its hard
     
  2. person54

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    (*hug*)

    Pretending to be someone you aren't is terrible and difficult to get through so I'm really glad you didn't do anything to yourself, it takes a lot of strength to get through some of the crappier times in transition.

    It sounds like the place you're in is at least potentially hostile and extremley conservative so that can't be helping you.

    I think you'll find there's some really nice people on here and I wouldn't feel araid to message one of the other trans people on here, especially since it sounds like you're isolated right now.

    And though the situation is bad, I think you're doing right by yourself by thinking of things like where could I move to and what type of job or plan do I have after that since those are likely neccesary things to deal with in the process of getting closer to going full time and leaving the pretending behind.
     
  3. opti

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    thank you, i feel putting in two weeks notice would be a relief. i lived as joe for everyone else for 24yrs... i really dont want to go today i would be going only to help my bosses. im such an indecisive person putting in two weeks notice is my official next step and its scary

    i had fun checking out the entertainment section and catching up on lgbt movies, lol that actually made me feel better. party monster lol and my transexual summer. u know seeing other ppl who are where i am and who are steps ahead of me. i want to be happy, strong, and be involved, and when im done i want to stand up and support for transgender
     
  4. opti

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    kind of an udpate:
    after trying to destroy my job by just not going in, i finally decide to go. i went in and found my boss. he was more than nice which was unexpected, went on about how hes been through a lot and can probably relate if i ever need someone to talk too. actually two other people came up and were like hey if u need someone to talk too hit me up. my day was completely unexpected and had i not been depressed about being a woman in a mans body my day wouldve been good. still havent told anyone at work, it definately does hurt me to put on that shirt and go on with the act, but ive done it my whole life and it easy to pretend but lately its really a burden on my heart. i live as a man for everyone else, but i want to live for me :tears: im not ready to face whats ahead yet i need a plan and more support