Although my parents are slowly working on calling me by my preferred name, but they still call me by feminine pronouns. I can live with it (but don't like it) at home, but I loathe going in public with them because they misgender me in public! I know they're working hard on using the right name.... but they refuse to use even gender-neutral pronouns, and I've noticed that they rarely used my preferred name outside of the house. I don't want to not be able to go out in public with them, but it makes me so upset. When my mom misgenders me, people look at me kind of funny because I am presenting male. What do I do?
Not that I advise this, but I basically threatened to kill myself if they carried on. Just avoid going anywhere with them, and make it perfectly clear why your doing it. Correct them whenever they use the wrong pronouns or name, and you could try getting upset or angry whenever it happens, and tell them that while you understand that they're having difficulty, they can't expect you to live with it for much longer, and that you'll have to take more drastic action (aka leaving home) if they continue. When it starts to happen less frequently (aka they forget to use male pronouns/name rather than using female ones on purpose), you could try reminding them that *invented-little-sister-with-your-old-name* isn't with you, to give people an understanding of why you're being misgendered.
I'm so sorry your parents are behaving this way, mine were like that and I know how much stress that can cause. Is there something you could say or a tone you could take that would make them take you seriously? Like if you got angry and told them how hurt and embarassed you were about the misgendering would they listen then maybe? It's all must feel so complicated because you live at home though. Once you move out you may find that over time you naturally avoid interacting with them due to a need to protect yourself, but it's probably hard to set healthy boundries if you live with them.
I'm not trans and I don't know how your relationship with your parents is, but I guess you should try talking to them seriously. If they're trying at home, then I think it's ate least a positive begining. The only suggestion I have is: try being patient with them and talk about it. I can't say it for sure cause I don't know your situation, but they might not be awared of your feelins towards it. I hope things work out
That's quite awful and I'm sorry they are behaving this way. I would suggest either confronting them or reminding them, persistently, that your name is Jack and you are not a female. If you confront them - at home would probably be best - you are more likely to have a conversation that will put an immediate end to the issue. Just tell them that you understand that while it may be difficult for them to adjust, calling you by the name and pronouns assigned at birth causes you embarrassment and discomfort. Ask if there is a reason they are continuously calling you by pronouns you don't identify with. And maybe ask them if it would be easier for them to use gender neutral pronouns. (Most parents will immediately shy away from that idea and become more receptive to using your preferred pronouns) Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you!
Thank you for all of the advice. Sadly, I have that talk with them many times. I bring up them using the correct name and pronouns (while also emphasizing that I know it will take time for them to fully adjust, and my biggest expectation is that they recognize when they use the wrong pronouns and correct themselves), but all that happens is they get frustrated and exasperated with me, and they say I'm being selfish. ._. If I correct them, they roll their eyes at me. I've tried to explain how bad it makes me feel to be misgendered (especially in public), but they won't listen to reason.
As an outsider to this topic, the first thing I have to ask - do you think they honestly care? Are they tryinga? I'm pretty open, but I'm sure I would make the mistake of saying "this is my friend, she...oh, he!" It has nothing to do with being rude or upset with it - it's just what we have done. How long have your parents been doing this? That's a big part. I don't think it's great of them, since it is your life. But, I'm just trying to give a different perspective. What is holding them up?
I'm sorry, man. My parents do the same. I've already come out to my mum two or three times, and I've been presenting as male, but she still refers to me as her daughter, and calls me by the wrong pronouns. It's making me feel dysphoric and frustrated. I wish I had advice to offer but I don't since I'm in the same place right now. My mum doesn't want to acknowledge me as her son. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until I move out or something. I hope your parents can maybe get a grip and start using the right pronouns and that such. Deeply express to them how much it bothers you when you're misgendered; I don't know.
im proud of you i struggle to go out as myself and usually isolate myself at home, im sorry they dont support you more but it is probably hard on them too. be strong
You could start calling your mom, dad and your dad, mom. Start misgendering them to prove your point and try to show them how you feel. If they see how it is not nice to be misgendered, they might understand you better and change.
^ That is such a clever/funny/good tip! It will make the point clear for sure! I haven't come out, but I don't think my mom would adjust either, she really has me in her mind and 100% female and likes emphasising that EVERY DAY for like... ten times or so. It's so annoying when she is constantly calling me things like "my lovely girl" and such. I think I could overlook the pronouns, but constantly the 'girl' 'girl' 'girl' 'girl' is really, really pissing me off. If it will take any longer I see myself snapping at her and angrily shouting "BOY!" (in my dreams, yes... I would never dare to do such a thing :S) Good luck with it bro! You should try what NickTsuki said, maybe it works to make something 'click' inside their heads.
As a mom, I have to say, hearing this makes me very sad. I have a 5 year old son, who was born female, but has, since he knew the difference, said he is a boy. We accept and support this; amidst much persecution from friends and family. We still slip up and refer to our son as our daughter, or use girl pronouns....it is a transition for all of us...and I'm sure it will get easier with time but we are having to reprogram how we referred to our son for the past 5 years. My husband struggles with this more than I do....although I have to admit it is difficult sometimes. I believe that your parents should be putting you first, and should be the first to be supportive, accepting, and loving. But that doesn't always happen....I have found that out with family. People get stuck in how they think things should be, what society tells them, what they have learned, what others will think of them, they get stuck in all kinds of vicious thought cycles that make them resistant to change, resistance to being open, and seeing what they are doing is harmful rather than helpful. Maybe a counselor would help? I know counseling and education has helped my husband...as I said he has struggled with this more than I did. Going to counseling together then individually, educating them...showing them the research out there....the scientific data that backs up what you are feeling and going through. Asking them to be your support and to love you by just taking a step in educating themselves and seeking help to understand for you. I don't know if that is of any help. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, as will your parents. ---------- Post added 1st Apr 2013 at 09:26 PM ---------- I don't know why the post is putting in random words and lowercasing....but it will not let me edit, and when i repost it continues to put in the same words. So take out "I want feeding" wherever you see it. I did not write that.
Oooh, another walrus :3 Anyway, if your parents really are trying, then it's probably a case of them simply forgetting. They've known you as a female for much longer than as a male. To them, at least. I'd do as everyone else is saying: Simply give them a friendly reminder that you're their son, not their daughter. Also, who wants to use gender-neutral pronouns, especially parents? God, I'm androgyne and I don't even want to look at those confusing things.
