I'm having a really hard time with my gender identity. I don't know if I'm more of a guy or a girl, and it's been really hard to come to terms with that. I feel like I should be one or the other. If I'm not I'm somehow lying to people. Because I dress like a typical guy most of the time i.e. hoodie/tee and jeans. But I act more like the the stereotypical girl a lot of the time i.e. emotional, over-dramatic, etc. And a lot of the time I wish I was born a girl, but I have any desire to not be a guy, or dressing like a girl. In general I'm always struggling with the way I'm seen by the world. I have depression, but around most people I'm loud and happy, which causes me to be even more depressed because I feel like I'm lying to people. And when they find out how I really am they'll leave me. Same with my gender identity, once they find out that the way I present myself is different from the way I am they'll leave me Anyway, can you guys help me? Is this something that people go through? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.
This probably isn't very helpful, but I don't think what you're feeling is anything super unusual or anything of the like. I know that for a long while, I struggled with whether I identified more as male or female, and many of my friends have felt the same way. For me, it eventually just sorta worked itself out, and though I occasionally still think about it, it's not really a problem anymore. Sorry, I know that's a tad unhelpful, haha. On the other hand, as many people forget, the gender spectrum isn't just a binary. There are many who identify either as no gender ('agender', I believe), the third gender, pangender, genderqueer, ect. I'm certainly no expert in genders and whatnot, but I guess my point is you don't necessarily need to feel like you identify fully with either gender. Now, onto the topic of feeling like you're lying to people, because I feel like that's also really important. It's not really true that when people find out who you are, they'll leave you. As someone (Dr Seuss, I think?) said, those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. I totally get that it's way easier said than done, and that one bad experience with someone who's not quite as openminded can be hurtful. But I guess you just have to keep trying, because there are definitely people out there who will love you (I mean this in a platonic sense, though it can be romantically, too) for who you are, regardless of what that 'who' is.
What is it that you owe people in terms of anything related to gender? l do relate to what you said about thinking people will feel betrayed somehow. l don't identify with anything, to the extent that l don't even identify with a non-identification. l had to state it literally so l could share the information. Most of the time l feel internally male and to my surprise some people have actually commented on it, mostly online. But l've never tried to give off of a masculine impression. l think many people do feel the need to display what they feel inside on the outside as a way to be honest with others so l do get what you're saying. l don't think it's necessary for people to do, though. lf a person seriously has a problem with my being less feminine in essence or attitude than in appearance l will kindly suggest that they seek help for their personal issues. lt's just not something a person should be held accountable for or even analyzed...in terms of. lt's odd. But the deviation is noticeable, l have known many people who just didn't satisfy any kind of typical gender role and had traits that you would expect to go along with a different gender presentation. They didn't make an attempt to be especially androgynous in a physical sense, if one wants do so, so be it but the idea that we need to in order to communicate with others is something l can't relate to
