This is my first time ever talking about my sexuality with anyone so I'm kinda nervous and I don't really know how to describe it. I'm a female soon to be 17 and I've been struggling with my sexual orientation for the past couple of years. It's really been bothering because I feel like I don't even understand myself. I'm a tomboy who really doesn't like girly things. I don't care about make up or getting my hair done. I wear clothes that are more comfortable rather than stylish. Just for the past year or so my questioning has really been eating at me. I never thought of a guy for a relationship. When the word relationship comes to mind a girl pops up right away. I don't like the thought of kissing a guy, but I do a girl. I haven't hit that boy crazy episode of being a teenage girl and I never thought a guy as hot. I have thought about a penis being hot though. When I watch porn I like pretending I'm the guy and I'm having intercourse with the girl. It turns me on so much, but in order for me to finish I have to think of myself being penetrated by a penis. I don't think of a guy, just the penis. This is what confuses me the most. I mean I think I like girls because I noticed I always get really shy around girls especially if they are attractive. Looking back I realized during school and sports I would find myself looking at the girls and it wasn't until recently did I realized that I was actually attracted to them. I would get really flustered and I wouldn't make eye contact with them and I'd feel myself blush. It's just it's confusing for me with the whole being attracted to penis thing. I don't actually WANT a penis besides during sex because it seems so hot to be dominating a girl. I can't actually get off to lesbian porn, but I get off to straight and gay male porn. This is really been getting at me because I don't feel like I'm bi, but I just don't feel like I'm entirely anything I don't know. I don't like the thought of not being able to understand myself and it's put me at distance with my family because they bring up relationships and I'm not interested. I say stuff like, "when I'm with someone," instead of when I have a boyfriend. I don't really know why. If anyone could please give me some advice or what they think I'm going through it would be extremely helpful. It's just really getting at me and my anxiety isn't making it any better.
Thanks for responding. I find myself fantasizing more vividly and almost all the time about women. It's just weird how the whole penis things pops up but some people say it has something to do with power or domination?
I am going to disagree with the reply above because she doesn't sound like she is attracted to men but perhaps maybe the sexual act. I'm not sure.
You definitely want WOMEN. And you definitely know that you DON'T want men. But there is something that irritates you that hinders you to explore homosexuality, and that is your 'penis fascination'. Perhaps you think more like a boy ... ... which could explain why you can understand them better than girls. If you are a tomboy, what kind of girls do you find attractive? Do you imagine to play a role that resembles the traditional male role? If you don't know Kimberly Peirce's film 'Boys Don't Cry' (1999) yet you should really watch it. It is the story of Brandon Teena (Hilary Swank), a female-to-male (FTM) transgender. Brandon Teena really understands women much better than the real boys, and she can give them all the emotional security they are longing for. The girls don't know that (she/he) is not a boy. With (her/his) male identity Brandon can fulfill the dreams of his girls. I really enjoy watching the charming Brandon interacting with girls again and again, though the story has a horrible ending. For me Brandon combines the positive aspects of girls and boys in one person. It is never a mistake if you learn a little bit about transgenders and transsexualism, and perhaps that will help you to widen your horizon. My main reason for mentioning this film is not so much the transgender aspect but the attraction of a girl playing the male role. You should really not allow your 'penis fascination' to delay your exploration of homosexuality any longer. Are you afraid of the words 'homosexual', 'gay' or 'lesbian'? Never mind, they are just words, and it is always a bit worrying to begin with something new. Especially if it concerns sexuality. But tomboys are so strong! :icon_wink Don't waste more time with questioning, with more practical experience you will be able to deal with your remaining doubts.
Thanks for replying. I actually prefer girls who are on the more feminine side rather than the masculine side. I see myself being more of the protector rather than the protected if that means anything. I have looked up trans stuff before because I was curious, but I don't really think I'm trans. It's only with sex does the whole penis thing really come up. I'm not afraid of those terms at all I'm just afraid to think I'm one thing when later I might find out I'm not. I know people say sexuality is fluid, but I really wish I could narrow it down.
