i like to hide at home, im gonna end up quitting smoking tho lol cuz im too worried to go out in this town as myself i really i am i still end up getting somewhat guyish to go out and get things like cigs and even then i just am quick enough i can pay for stuff and hide my nails but its not how i should be living. i even shop for girl clothes, in like an all black dress shirt so im not like offending anyone, im trying to hide... it makes me want to cry. theres a tg ts party every weekend is that the wrong kind of outlet to be looking at cuz i dont drink at all but i really hope to find ppl i can relate too so i dont feel alone. it would be a safe place to be myself in a social environment, my whole life i isolated myself i have trouble even making eye contact with ppl
today its just worse i need someone to hold my hand and walk into the sun with.. i feel like any path i choose i loose... i can go back to being a guy all the time but i would just want to die. i can try to be myself but nobody is helping, no programs get back to me, and my family doesn't care. i dont think im strong enough to make it on my own for once... my mom like what u doing wit your bed in a text, im like you couldnt text to make sure i was ok but u can ask for my fucking bed... omg this is easily the hardest thing i been through even harder than surviving as a 3yr old in the chicago streets with nobody to help me, so now im older and nothing has changed still alone..
I am sorry it's so hard for you right now. Your situation may be different from mine, but I am often afraid to leave my bedroom and even set foot in the outside world, let alone go to an LGBT support group. You are not alone in struggling with your sex and gender identity. That LGBT has the T in it, afterall... There are many more like us who were born with this conflict inside. Your mom may not understand right now, but there are many people who do. Those of us on this forum can't walk with you or be there to hold you, but we can offer information and encouragement, and you can read the stories of others' struggles and successes, too. "I feel like any path I choose, I lose"- I feel this way too. When I came out to my best friend, he was accepting, but a little distant. "I'll respect your choices, use the pronouns you want me to." he said, but admitted later that he didn't completely agree with the idea of being transgender, because sex is determined by anatomy. It was so hard to hear that, though the same thought held me back from accepting myself for over 13 years. One night we talked about it again and I ended up spilling my guts about how much this has affected my life in the past, and how trapped and miserable I feel now when I think about how I'll never be anatomically correct and I can never relive my childhood as a boy. I told him all about how no matter what I do, I lose. If I transition, the world is harsh and society doesn't accept me yet. But the way I am now, I feel stuck, weird, and unable to laugh freely as myself. And if I were to try to just stuff myself back in the closet and be ignorant again... what an awful, unbearable waste of my one precious life. Even putting up with being closeted as I wait for my therapy to progress requires terrible patience. I don't think he, or other cis people understand how rotten the deal we were handed at birth is. Anyone with compassion in their heart who knew what we go through with gender dysphoria, would not be so cold or pedantic. When I let out to him as much of the embarrassing and terrible things that made it clear to me I must transition as I could, he was shaken and told me, "I don't want you to have to go through any of this, but I support you 100%. Thank you for sharing, it changed some of my ideas". There are people that love you, and it may take time for them to wrap their heads around a person being transgender. In the meantime, please keep reaching out for support. There are so many people who accept and understand what you are going through and are rooting for you. Have you looked into therapists in your area? Some specialize in issues of gender and could be helpful to you in progressing through this tough time.
You need to relocate. There is really no other way to do it. You need to go somewhere where you can be comfortable enough to go outside. I know, you want to be yourself, but it might be easier to be in public if you look like a girl that is trying to be guy. People tend to accept that concept little bit more than other way around. It is sad that your family is not accepting you. But let's face it, it's their problem, not yours! You cannot change it, no matter what you are going to say to them. Accept it and move on, don't waste your time on thinking about it. Find things that you like to do at home, listen to music you like, watch some movies. Something that makes you feel better about yourself
that sounds like a good idea too!!! also be happy with yourself!!!! go out and show some bravery, and no one will knowtise , sorry bad grammar!!!!!! I go 3/4 dressed and it feels great, and my nails are always done up too. try the confidence thing show it and no one with care.
and my phone dropped the call from the translife project halfway through i almost smashed it cuz it took like 5 mins to get signal back, i called back but idk the extension. i felt like that was my only chance. i wont even lie im gonna cry and smoke some pot i cant take today i feel like life gave me the: "You Lose" f-word
ooo i found some resources and someone to push me the way i needed, still struggling to go in public lol
Hey opti, I'm glad you found some resources and the push you needed! I'm also sorry you've been having such a hard time. I can understand how it's difficult to go in public, just take your time and you'll know when you are ready. Don't be too hard on yourself k? (*hug*)
