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Am I a lesbian? Or at least bi?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Alyssum, Apr 2, 2013.

  1. Alyssum

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    Alright guys, so I know the only person who can answer that question for sure is me, but I need some help here....

    Here's my situation. I'm pretty much just going to give a whole history of it, so this is going to get a little bit personal too. I'm really confused and need to cover all the details. First of all I'm MTF, and I didn't realize that until I was around 11 or 12. Until then I had a couple interesting experiences. Supposedly there was a girl I liked when I was really young, way too young to remember any of it now (like younger than 4 years old), but from what I hear it was really obvious that we both liked each other for our ages. When I was 4 we moved to a different state and left most of my friends behind, including that girl. But when we got where we are now then in day care I started hanging out with this new girl and we got really close. Now, I didn't know I was trans at the time... for all I know I was just looking for a close friend, and I'm a touchy-feely person (well, when I don't feel insecure about it) so any expression of that could have just been from going with what was immediately accepted by all the people around us and what I thought was supposed to be normal. It's really hard to remember my thought process at that time now. But we definitely got intimate for that age, we were holding hands as we walked everywhere and I was kissing her hand and all this stuff. We told everyone we were together and this lasted from ages 4 to 8, when she moved waaay across the country in second grade. I was crushed, I missed her so much.... After she left I pretty much stopped trying to make female friends. I don't know why, but because of that I pretty much never had any more experiences like that. The exception is one time when we went back to where I was born on vacation and I saw this girl I used to know (not the first girl, but from the same friend group), and we really hit it off, it was just at this fancy party. (Maybe a wedding party or something? It was way too long ago to remember now.) We ended up dancing together and I got really into it and felt great, I remember all the adults applauding us. I really enjoyed that, but that was definitely the last thing of its kind to happen....

    Anyway, like I said, that was all before I realized I was trans... I had no reason to question my gender or sexual orientation at the time, so I had no confusion or insecurities about any of this at the time. Well, that might not be totally true.... I honestly can't remember if these started happening before or after I started to question my gender (I want to say before though, but I'm not certain), but I did start having some very brief fantasies about making out with guys, but some of the people I grew up with were really homophobic and I would repress those fantasies the second they kicked in out of fear the second they kicked in and eventually they pretty much stopped happening. What may be worth noting here too is that though I was never diagnosed with anything I had lots of really severe OCD symptoms at the time, and sexual obsessions were high up on the list with some pretty strange fantasies, so I don't know.... But anyway, I had a few different crushes on girls growing up after that but I was so out of touch with myself and reality that I'm not sure if they were really crushes or more just like extreme envy. Because I was definitely envious of girls allll the time, and I fantasized about girls a lot, but it was never in a normal way. Thinking back on it is confusing because I know how envious I was and I was definitely sizing them up all the time, but there are also times when I catch myself undoubtedly checking a girl out, like really checking her out. But I never let myself actually think about sex with any of them... I would get sexually stimulated from thinking about them in really strange fetishy ways but I think I had an issue thinking about having sex with them because I would connect it to the thought of me being a guy instead of a girl. That's just what I'm thinking now though, it wasn't what I always thought....

    Back around when I first started transitioning I had feelings for this guy I knew. It took me a long time to realize this and really accept it, first of all because we were friends and I didn't want to have a crush on him, and second because even though I had started accepting myself as being transgender I was still so insecure about things like my sexuality. I let the feelings grow for a long time until they couldn't be denied, but it still never became something more than emotional. Like, it was genuinely just a crush, I never had any sexual feelings.... But eventually I tried to explore a sexual attraction to men just through fantasies, and it worked so well that I became convinced that I had just suppressed an attraction to men so much that I deluded myself into thinking I liked women, because my fantasies wouldn't go nearly as far with them. But I still had this suspicion that what I really just liked about imagining sex with guys was just thinking about the feeling of penetration and not so much who was doing the penetrating. On the other hand I did feel able to emotionally feel something for guys after that first crush so I didn't really have a problem with it either, I can really feel something from imagining being with a guy I have a strong emotional attachment to... I just don't feel like I'm attracted to them by default like I am with girls, like checking them out even though I didn't think about sex with them.... But I did think about kissing and fondling them and that kind of stuff, which I didn't so much with guys. Anyway... I eventually got a boyfriend and we were together for over half a year, and I was really in love with him but I still find it hard to reach that same kind of attraction, and it made me sad. I mean, he really turned me on, but it just wasn't the same way. And being physically intimate just wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be in a primal way, I liked it emotionally and it felt good and all, but more of like a pleasure from touch kind of thing....

    That whole time I never stopped wondering about if I'm attracted to girls. Ever since I started being able to think about sex with guys I've been trying the same for girls but it made me very uncomfortable. It was a strong reaction and I easily could have assumed that I'm just not attracted to them, but I kept trying. I thought that it might just be buried so deep that it wold take a lot of effort to dig it up. I faced the same problems as in my earlier days... when I tried thinking about sex with a girl I would immediately start thinking of myself a guy, my insecurities were really significant and it was impossible to work around that thought. Now, these days I'm finally starting to be able to see myself as a woman, and the fantasies are starting to become more common and less uncomfortable. I have to think about girls with only specific qualities for it to work right now (basically things that don't trigger my dysphoria, like things I'm attracted to but don't envy), but it's getting to a point where it's easier to wrap my head around. But I'm still really confused about it all because I do have to work for it, and I had to work for it for guys too but that was easier than this even though I'm still not entirely sure if that one's even legit, I think it might have just worked so easily because it helped me think of myself as a woman, just like how the other fantasies were preventing it....

    I'm just lost right now, so unbelievably lost. Thank you if you read this far, I know that was really long. I just don't know what to think.... Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated, but thanks again either way.
     
  2. NickTsuki

    NickTsuki Guest

    I'm sorry I can't help you much though I wish I could. Well I'm not sure if I understood the whole story right but the only advice I can provide is: take your time.
    Fantasies, sexuality and gender are already complex on their own. It's what they say only you can define what and who you are because they're just names we use and you can be anything you want no matter how "weird" it might appear.
    Sorry I can't really help you but I offer you a hug and a smile.
     
  3. Alyssum

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    Thanks for the advice. (*hug*) Any help at all is appreciated. I definitely do need to slow it down, when I get thinking about something too much my thoughts start racing out of control.

    I know I was kind of scatterbrained when I typed all that up, so I'm sorry if some of it wasn't clear. The shorter version is that I had "girlfriends" when I was really young and before I had any insecurities about my gender and sexuality, but I'm not sure if it's because I was naturally attracted to girls or if it was just because I thought of them like a best friend and just assumed that being all lovey-dovey was normal because everyone (including myself at the time) saw us as a boy and girl. We were just kids after all, totally prepubescent. Then when I realized I was transgender right before puberty it became difficult for me to think about girls sexually because it made me feel like a guy (like I was wrong about my gender), but I refused to think about guys either because I was afraid of being singled out for being gay or trans by the people around me. But then when I started transitioning I was able to explore an attraction to guys that helped me feel more feminine by association, but I'm not sure if that was the main reason I found them attractive and not because I really liked them sexually. And now that I'm starting to feel more confident in my gender expression, I'm starting to wonder if I really do like women mainly because I'm starting to be able to fantasize about them again more effectively, but it's still difficult at times and I don't know if it's because I'm pushing something that isn't quite there or because it's just repressed really deeply. But when I'm able to fantasize about being with a girl as a girl it's much easier and more fulfilling than what I dealt with before.

    I'm pretty sure I'm at least biromantic so it just makes all of this more confusing. I'm sure I won't know anything for certain until I actually have some firsthand experience because I'm so indecisive about everything, but I really just want some extra perspective.

    Anyway, thanks again. :slight_smile:
     
  4. NickTsuki

    NickTsuki Guest

    I see. Well, again I say, take your time.
    I'm not sure it's really this, but I think you need to first feel more at ease with your gender, get more confident about your gender identity and then I guess it'll be easier to find out your sexuality. I guess I understood your doubts, so take it easy and try to figure out one thing at time. And I guess fantasize is do whatever you want cause it's your mind. I like to fantasize about being a guy and think of other guys and I'm not trans, so I don't think you need to get attached to your fantasies to find out more about who you are :grin:
     
  5. Alyssum

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    Heh, I actually know this woman through another forum that likes fantasizing about herself as a guy or at least having a penis as well, but she isn't trans either. I think part of what's made it so hard for me is that after talking to her about that I started to realize that I can enjoy the thought of being a guy in a fantasy way too, which really throws me off balance when trying to figure out my gender identity.... But I don't actually enjoy being a guy in practice or anything, I just forget that sometimes when I feel insecure.

    I've always had a really high level of body dysphoria too and I haven't had any surgery yet, I'm sure it'll become easier for me once I do.... I'm already starting to be able to break through some kind of mental barrier though. This is been all that's on my mind for the last few days now at least so I've been fantasizing about women quite a lot, and it's getting easier. I think my question is starting to answer itself lol.

    It's really a relief to hear you say that about not using fantasies to find out who you are too, I already knew that somewhere inside but I kind of forgot it along the way. So thanks again for the advice. :slight_smile: Already things are starting to seem a lot clearer, I think I might have been spazzing out so much about it because I was so close to crossing a point of no return in my thinking, but that's not a bad thing, it's just the anticipation and uncertainty....

    Of course, with the way I am it's still going to take some experience before I can say I know anything for sure, but I already feel a lot more confident about what I want. :grin: