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Freedom is scary

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ronin, Apr 3, 2013.

  1. Ronin

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Really. Freedom feels scary to me. Happiness is scary. I'm so used to beating myself down and being confined to the wrong gender that the thought that I could be allowed to be me, inside and out, is scary. I can't take being happy and then start finding ways to feel awful again. And then I start wondering if I even want this because I don't deserve to be this happy. Maybe it's okay after all. I'm starting to love and accept myself so maybe it's okay just to be a little better and not all the way better. How could I really think that I could ever be a guy? But I am one... I've always felt like a guy and never a girl. My femaleness was always so wrong to me. I feel so confused now. I can't imagine being allowed to be that happy and free. And then I start thinking... "Would that really make me free? How do you know cause I've never been a guy before. Does gender even matter anymore? I feel dissociated most of the time anyways, so does it matter if I'm not me?" I don't even know if this is making any sense it's very distressing though. :icon_sad: I'm tired of this. I've been ruminating on this for a while and so I really needed to get it out...
     
  2. donnie5

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    gender transitioning is one of the hardest things someone can go through. luckily your young still, though it doesn't make it easier. To be honest you very well may have these thoughts for a very long time. It's such a confusing thing to go through and even more confusing is trying to figure out why it happens in the first place. all this confusion leaves a scar on you permanently hurting you self identity. you will never perfectly fit into the role of the "perfect masculine man", but that's not the goal. as hard as it may be the main goal is making yourself the most comfortable you can be. and as to the freedom comment I know exactly how you feel. being repressed for so long it's all that you know. you need to learn to embrace the change, learn to enjoy the feeling of things shifting around you. once you can do this you will actually enjoy the freedom and it will protect you from being disappointed. but enough of my crazy ramblings, my main point is change is very uncomfortable but very necessary to be truly happy if you embrace it whole heartedly you will learn to truly love the freedom you're giving yourself.
     
  3. Hexagon

    Full Member

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    I know how you feel. I've yet to find a solution or an answer. I'll let you know if do come across one, though.
     
  4. Ronin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's pretty nice to have the validation. I mean, it's one thing to say "I'm sure there's gotta be other people out there who experience this" and another thing to say "This person said they experience this".

    Learning to enjoy the shift - it's pretty frightening right now, and all the confusion with it. Change is definitely uncomfortable, but you're right - I think it is needed to be happy. I think by simply accepting it and facing it head on is the only way to really get over things and learn to be okay with the experience. Maybe part of my confusion is the lack of being able to accept myself still to some degree, I'm not sure. I'll figure it out one day, maybe.