Okay so, first of all I would like to say, after reading all kinds of stories on this forum in the past 2 weeks, I have the utmost respect to all people here, whatever they are. I always thought it is truly important what kind of person you are and not what you are and where you come from, etc. I also want to apologize because this is going to be a bit of a long post. Also I am aware that only I can truly figure myself out in the end, but I would still like some pointers, guidelines or advice from you lot. Okay, so I am a 24 year old guy. I always considered myself straight. During my childhood I was kind of a sensitive kid. My first sexual attractions were to girls, and I loved it, still do actually. First weird (and please, please don't take any insults when I say things like weird or normal in this post) thing that happened to me was that I had a sexual dream when I was lets say 12 or so that involved a male person (I had lots of dreams with girls involved). I totally freaked out and was a bit depressed that I was gay, after a while I just let it go. Second encounter was that at 17 while watching porn(straight porn) and masturbating I put a finger up my ass and I came immediately. I was feeling ashamed and the thought if I was gay occured to me again. After going with scenarios in my head imagining males and feeling repulsed by it i dropped the issue, but never to this day did such thing again. Oh I forgot to mention one thing, when i was about 13-14 years old when I was talking to my ex summer girlfriend and she was describing me her relationship with some guy I felt a weird sensation of understanding her, like why she was attracted to him, like I was able to put myself in her skin. Next thing was when I was about 19 yo (first time I had sex was at 18 and we were together for about 4 years), I can't remember exactly what happened and what triggered it but I guess I had felt a strange feeling that I could tell if a guy is attractive. Again I was troubled by it and had a bit of an OCD episode, but in the end i figured I was attracted to my girlfriend and women in generally so I just dropped the issue. Okay, now coming to the present time, last 2 years I hooked up with many girls, and I really fell in love with this one girl. It lasted a bit over 1 year and just recently(1 week ago) we kind off broke up. Problem was that this thing started as an affair(she had a boyfriend) and since I really fell for her it really mutilated me emotionally(a lot of shit happened). Coming to the thing that triggered me to come here.. about 1-2 months ago while I was stoned with my friends I felt this very weird pull towards one guy, and it freaked me out. Since then, voice in my head occured again (am I gay?), my biggest fear! It developed over time and turned in full blown OCD or HOCD. Reading this forums I could really identify with a member named Debug. He describeed almost exactly what I've been going through. So pretty much like him, I went through phases of fear of being gay, bisexual, and having gender issues at last... The facts about me are next: I enjoy straight porn(focus on women) I enjoy lesbian porn I tried watching gay porn, in a few occasions in last few weeks but I either feel disguisted or don't feel anything at all I identify as male and I don't have a problem with that, but somehow I feel different than other men. I feel that I can really tell if a guy is attractive, or you might even say hot. I even feel some kind of a pull towards him( maybe due to OCD?), but when imagining to kiss him or imagining sex with him it just feels really awkward as being a male(thought occured that I would probably enjoy it as a female and having female parts). After first periods of maybe having some internalized homophobia( not homophobic at all in general), I really try not to be and accept and figure myself out. One more thing that I figured and admitted to myself just recently is that I would probably enjoy having a girl put a finger up my ass( I have kind of a fetish on girls hands, nails, and fingers). And that had me thinking is that just the begining? Maybe what I would really like is a cock there eventually?? Although after going through the phase of thinking I was most likely bisexual, and browsing through bisexual forums I found out that most guys there have some sort of craving for cock, not really romantically into men. My side is that I find cocks, besides my own, pretty disguisting and not a turn on at all. Okay so my current assumption of myself is that I am male, I love women both sexually and romantically, have maybe a bit of a weird thing for my ass(womans ass also, got a fetish there), but also have some kind of a woman side in my brain that lets ME somehow see things from their perspective and why and how they are attracted to men sexually and romantically(but when I, percieving myslelf as a male, and imagining having sex or having a romantic relationship with them just doesn't work), and in some way I percieve it as a blessing because I can understand women better and thus far read their minds better while trying to seduce them, and on the other hand I find it very disturbing because I don't think it's normal for a straight male to see those things, or maybe is? I also experience in shifts where I see those "attractive" attributes on males, and most of the time(at least looking at my life since I was sexually aware) I just don't see them. I also have to mention that I didn't really felt the urge to crossdress, at least not until now.. Sorry for bothering you with my story, but I am just confused about myself lately and it is really annoying and depressing. I am pretty sure that I have some sort of OCD at the moment but I am kind of still pretty sure I see those things sometimes, and I don't know what to make of it?! Thanks all in advance for bothering to read this or reply! I am also not sure where to post this, under gender identity or sexual orientation!?
A bump! I somehow think(after spending quite some time trying to analyze myself), that I am straight but I have also a feeling that my brain has this female side that sometimes makes me see "how" a guy can be attractive, and that probably I would have sex with him if I was a female physically, but since I am not its a turn off. I really don't know, maybe I am imagining and exaggerating things due to my OCD about this issue, but is it possible that I am physically a straight male but have a mostly straight male brain with a part of a bisexual female brain!?
Well, for starters, let's start by broadening the options. There are a not just male and female identities. Gender is a spectrum and not a binary. There are such things as bi-gender and genderqueer which involve having both male and female identities in tandem or neither at all. It sounds likely to me that you are between male and female in some variety. Try looking up the terms I used earlier and research them to see if you relate to them strongly or not. Secondly, I just want to advise you not to rush your feelings. These things can be complex and scary and all manner of other things. I know I got up to being 17 before I truly understood my own gender and for other people it can take longer to work out. Even so, the longer you research, the more likely you are to understand and get to a point where you can understand yourself. You're definitely on the right track to getting to that point by coming here, whatever that point may turn out to be. You're the only one who can know for sure who you are, so don't let other people tell you any different from what you know. Finally, whilst this may be a stretch, I'd recommend trying wearing some female clothes at some point, just to try it. It may help you work some things out. Hope I helped and that I wasn't too wordy. Good luck!!
Danica94 thanks for the reply, I know there are not just two options, and the bi-gender one seems somewhat closest to what I have. But my problem is that I am really not sure anymore if this is the consequence of my OCD and being emotionally ripped to pieces in the last year or is truly there? I've been searching for information about bi-gendered people but there are really not so much cases I've found. I would really appreciate some more insight on that subject. I am also considering wisiting a therapist about this issue, but am affraid that they won't understand it since I live in a small and somewhat traditional/catholic country, and my state is kinda really rare even among LGBT community, that is if I even have a state and this is not all due to OCD and emotional trauma..
Hey pal, I am going through something similar myself, not being sure if it is gender issues or just OCD, it is tough
How does this sound? Gender wise i am mostly male, but with a small female part and it switches, but most of the time i feel male and am happier at that times because I am aligned with my body and sexual orientation. When looking at sexual orientation I think I am straight as in liking females in all possible ways, but when my female side switches on I find guys attractive. But when thinking of doing something with a guy or fantasizing about a guy it just doesn't give me an errection. It makes me feel somehow I think women feel when attracted to man, weak or whatever, but I am not aroused as a man. At that point I can almost feel jealous of a girl. And in the next moment I switch back and think what the fuck?
