1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help me figure myself out, please!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by strangetimes, Apr 5, 2013.

  1. strangetimes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Okay so, first of all I would like to say, after reading all kinds of stories on this forum in the past 2 weeks, I have the utmost respect to all people here, whatever they are. I always thought it is truly important what kind of person you are and not what you are and where you come from, etc.

    I also want to apologize because this is going to be a bit of a long post. Also I am aware that only I can truly figure myself out in the end, but I would still like some pointers, guidelines or advice from you lot.

    Okay, so I am a 24 year old guy. I always considered myself straight. During my childhood I was kind of a sensitive kid. My first sexual attractions were to girls, and I loved it, still do actually. First weird (and please, please don't take any insults when I say things like weird or normal in this post) thing that happened to me was that I had a sexual dream when I was lets say 12 or so that involved a male person (I had lots of dreams with girls involved). I totally freaked out and was a bit depressed that I was gay, after a while I just let it go. Second encounter was that at 17 while watching porn(straight porn) and masturbating I put a finger up my ass and I came immediately. I was feeling ashamed and the thought if I was gay occured to me again. After going with scenarios in my head imagining males and feeling repulsed by it i dropped the issue, but never to this day did such thing again.
    Oh I forgot to mention one thing, when i was about 13-14 years old when I was talking to my ex summer girlfriend and she was describing me her relationship with some guy I felt a weird sensation of understanding her, like why she was attracted to him, like I was able to put myself in her skin.
    Next thing was when I was about 19 yo (first time I had sex was at 18 and we were together for about 4 years), I can't remember exactly what happened and what triggered it but I guess I had felt a strange feeling that I could tell if a guy is attractive. Again I was troubled by it and had a bit of an OCD episode, but in the end i figured I was attracted to my girlfriend and women in generally so I just dropped the issue.
    Okay, now coming to the present time, last 2 years I hooked up with many girls, and I really fell in love with this one girl. It lasted a bit over 1 year and just recently(1 week ago) we kind off broke up. Problem was that this thing started as an affair(she had a boyfriend) and since I really fell for her it really mutilated me emotionally(a lot of shit happened).
    Coming to the thing that triggered me to come here.. about 1-2 months ago while I was stoned with my friends I felt this very weird pull towards one guy, and it freaked me out. Since then, voice in my head occured again (am I gay?), my biggest fear! It developed over time and turned in full blown OCD or HOCD. Reading this forums I could really identify with a member named Debug. He describeed almost exactly what I've been going through.
    So pretty much like him, I went through phases of fear of being gay, bisexual, and having gender issues at last...
    The facts about me are next:
    I enjoy straight porn(focus on women)
    I enjoy lesbian porn
    I tried watching gay porn, in a few occasions in last few weeks but I either feel disguisted or don't feel anything at all

    I identify as male and I don't have a problem with that, but somehow I feel different than other men. I feel that I can really tell if a guy is attractive, or you might even say hot. I even feel some kind of a pull towards him( maybe due to OCD?), but when imagining to kiss him or imagining sex with him it just feels really awkward as being a male(thought occured that I would probably enjoy it as a female and having female parts). After first periods of maybe having some internalized homophobia( not homophobic at all in general), I really try not to be and accept and figure myself out.
    One more thing that I figured and admitted to myself just recently is that I would probably enjoy having a girl put a finger up my ass( I have kind of a fetish on girls hands, nails, and fingers). And that had me thinking is that just the begining? Maybe what I would really like is a cock there eventually?? Although after going through the phase of thinking I was most likely bisexual, and browsing through bisexual forums I found out that most guys there have some sort of craving for cock, not really romantically into men. My side is that I find cocks, besides my own, pretty disguisting and not a turn on at all.

    Okay so my current assumption of myself is that I am male, I love women both sexually and romantically, have maybe a bit of a weird thing for my ass(womans ass also, got a fetish there), but also have some kind of a woman side in my brain that lets ME somehow see things from their perspective and why and how they are attracted to men sexually and romantically(but when I, percieving myslelf as a male, and imagining having sex or having a romantic relationship with them just doesn't work), and in some way I percieve it as a blessing because I can understand women better and thus far read their minds better while trying to seduce them, and on the other hand I find it very disturbing because I don't think it's normal for a straight male to see those things, or maybe is? I also experience in shifts where I see those "attractive" attributes on males, and most of the time(at least looking at my life since I was sexually aware) I just don't see them. I also have to mention that I didn't really felt the urge to crossdress, at least not until now..

    Sorry for bothering you with my story, but I am just confused about myself lately and it is really annoying and depressing. I am pretty sure that I have some sort of OCD at the moment but I am kind of still pretty sure I see those things sometimes, and I don't know what to make of it?! Thanks all in advance for bothering to read this or reply!

    I am also not sure where to post this, under gender identity or sexual orientation!?
     
  2. myheartincheck

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2012
    Messages:
    2,461
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    The Golden State with a Golden Gate
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You sound straight to me! Congratulations!
    Now go get married and procreate! (I kid)

    You mentioned you masturbated via anal once, but a man's prostrate is very sensitive. So unless you were imagining a guy giving it to you on the beach in a wife beater during or something, (I don't know what gay guys fantasize about LoL) then it's really no big deal.

    I do not find mean visually sexy, but I can say if one is "hot" by most people's standards. I can tell if a man is attractive. It ain't no thang darling.

    You may just be curious about crossdressing. I think your OCD is playing a huge part in this. I would definately not consider you gay.
     
    #2 myheartincheck, Apr 5, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2013
  3. strangetimes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the reply, I think I am slowly coming to peace with myself and at that times don't feel the OCD. Went out yesterday and I figured that I find girls hot, some of them extremely(being pulled, wanting to be sexual, romantical whatever), but also I see that I can tell if a guy is hot in some erotic way, maybe even having some sort of pull towards but, kind of different than towards females. Although when going in my mind trying to picture kissing and getting sexual it is I don't know, it maybe could work but then again not so much, and the feeling I get from it is different than with a woman.
    Also I need to mention that every time I get a boner its pretty much women on my mind, imagining a guy is a turn off at that point.