So, I'm questioning my gender (no duh), but I can't figure out whether I'm dysphoric or not. Sometimes, I'm fine with my body. Or, well... not FINE.... but indifferent. Like I forget I'm shaped the way I am. I'll be surprised when my chest-boobs-fat-pouches (I don't know what to call them.) brush up against something, because I forgot they were there. Or I'll look at a picture, and I'll be surprised when I realize I have hips in the photo. Because I forgot. The times when I'm fine with my body, I tend to look at it and not see it as inherently feminine. It's just so much skin and fat and bone. And then something comes up. I'll meet someone genderqueer, or someone will call my button-up shirt a blouse (technically it is, but on me it's not), and I'll start thinking. I'll start getting more aware of my boobs and then I'll realize that I'm always slouching, and I'll try to stand up straighter, and then as soon as someone passes me by (especially guys), I'll want them not to see. Sometimes I look at guys, and see how their hips and waists make these straight lines, and I'll get sad, because I can't have that. My pelvis will always be this wide. Sometimes that's just it. Just being a little self-conscious. Lately, though, it's like there's a little asshole following me around insulting me. The other day, walking felt like lying, no matter what I did. If I walked like a girl, I was really aware of my hips swinging, and I kept thinking about people seeing me walking like a girl, and just... hips. If I tried to walk like a guy, my brain would keep telling me I was faking, or lying, because i'm not a guy and I'm not trans so I should stop pretending that I am. I ended up just kind of shuffling. I am completely fine with my genitalia. I don't mind being called "she" most of the time (except those times when I'm in full-on guy mode, and then it's more :dry: than :icon_sad:.). Writing this stuff down, it sounds loud. Like "oh hey, no shit this is dysphoria". But it doesn't feel loud at the time. It feels quiet. Less like an emotion, and more like a thought (which is actually true of me in general). Most of the time, when this stuff happens, it doesn't feel PAINFUL so much as it's confusing, or like over-thinking. Less :icon_sad: and more I need a word to explain this. But I don't want to call it dysphoria when it isn't THAT bad. I don't want to steal the word if it isn't mine.
Hmmm...what counts as dysphoria. Well dysphoria is a very confusing thing. It's really hard to explain what actually goes on in one's head, because everyone is different. Now it's not my job to hand you a label and expect you to wear that label forever, unfortunately that's your job. But I will tell you this, it sounds like you might be under the trans* umbrella. Now to get on the topic of dysphoria, well you don't need hardcore dysphoria in order to be trans*. Every trans* person is different, and they all experience a different amount of dysphoria. For me, on good days I don't really mind my body. Well...I don't love it either. Do I get annoyed by female pronouns on those days? Yes, I do. But is it as bad as if it were on a bad day? No, not at all. Now with this, it causes self-doubt. And self-doubt sucks ...a lot. But on bad days, I absolutely cannot stand the site of myself. I feel like the only escape would be to start T right then and there. So it goes back and forth really. If you feel trapped in anyway, no matter how drastic it is, then you have dysphoria. I'm kind of rushing to post this, so I'm sorry if I didn't really answer you all the way; but I hope that helped even just a little.
We all experience dysphoria at different levels. For the longest time, I didn't think I was trans*, rather just genderqueer or genderfluid because I didn't experience much dysphoria. I don't have dysphoria about my genitals (since I avoid them and don't really think about it much), I don't experience much dysphoria about my body, but my dysphoria is triggered when I'm referred to by she/her pronouns and seen as a woman. I feel depressed when my mother, friends, or family see me as a girl and refer to me as one. My chest gives me pretty bad dysphoria as well. I oddly do not have dysphoria about my voice, or my hips, or hardly anything based on physical appearance, minus my chest. But when I do experience it, it's just overactive thoughts. My mind starts spinning and I become angry, but I don't share my feelings with people and rather try to subdue them by playing video games or writing or watching movies. Just anything to get my mind off the subject. Like what Niko mentioned, some trans people don't even experience dysphoria. You don't have to have dysphoria in order to be trans*. It does sound like you experience dysphoria though, because I can relate. Mine isn't really "painful", just more-so pensive.
Everyone has different kinds of and different degrees of dysphoria. It doesn't have to be pain or panic, like is often described, because the definition is "discomfort". What you describe definitely qualifies as discomfort, so you do have dysphoria, just not as severely as others may.
Well, whilst I'm on the opposite side, that's kinda how my dysphoria started. It got much worse for me, but I suppose a kind of mild jealously was when I became regularly dysphoric. It sounds to me like there is part of you that is trans, but remember to take your time in going over your emotions. It takes time and ultimately only you can now.
This sounds really recognisable. I'm kind of torn between two sides; my 'female' and 'male' sides. My female side says I should stop whining/fussing/etc. and I am not a man and will NEVER be one. That TRYING to be one is like lying, faking or pretending, while my male side says that deep down a man is what I AM and always have been and there's no way I can change that. It's like my body and spirit are battling, if that makes sense... And sometimes I really, I mean REALLY, feel trapped in this body, in the expectations people have of 'a girl' of my lack of hair, muscles and deep voice, and I just want to get rid of this 'cage' like... NOW. But other times I think 'What the heck was I thinking earlier?' and it's all turned around again. I love being addressed as a male, but mostly I don't care whether people call me a she, I just don't hear it anymore. That's what being called a girl for 18 years does with you, I suppose. What you said about 'not noticing' sounds really, really recognisable. Sometimes I still wonder whether I might be genderless or something like that (I tend to sway a bit between neutral and male, so it feels at least. Whether that neutral part is just an offspring of my female self is still something I have to discover). I don't LIKE my genitalia, but most of the time I simply forget they exist, lol. And I remember a time I was trying to masturbate and then realized I didn't have a dick and it didn't work the way I was trying to do it. That was just SO awkward!
