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my long story i guess...i also need advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SilverGirl, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. SilverGirl

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    first let me tell you that english is my second language, i can read things just fine, but making words and sentences is a little more difficult, but ill do my best to make myself clear

    hello guys, this is probably going to be a long post, also this is my first time telling this to anyone

    not even sure how to start it, but anyway, im 23 male, pretty much an average guy, i like computers, soccer, tv, games and such, mostly guy stuff, yet since i was little i felt "different"...i remember secretly using my mother lipsticks a few times, and trying clothes, i dont remember if i did it more because its been so long ago but i probably must have...i even remember one night i actually wished i would wake up the other day as a girl, i think i was 6 or something, and was sad when it didnt happen

    the one i remember the most was when i was like 14 or 15 or something, i started playing and online rpg game with a female character, at first i just faked being a girl just because i didnt want to get harassed in the game, but then it felt almost like natural, i made a lot of really close friends, and after some time i even had a fake msn messenger as a girl, using a picture of a friend of mine, even pictures where i showed up myself, but i would say that guy was just a friend...

    i made quite a lot of close friends (i didnt even played the game anymore, i just logged on the account and talked with those friends i made, it was like a second life, a better one, it felt much better than being my real self), i kept this for like 4 or 5 years, until finally stopping it and never using the account again, losing a lot of great friends i made over the years, i decided to stop it because i could never bring myself to reveal the true me to them because they would probably never forgive me for lying for so long, i also felt really bad for using my friends pictures and lying to being her, i still miss them after all these years, i used to log in more as this fake account and use it than my real account with my real friends, but i never felt i was being "gay" or transgender while doing it, probably because it made me feel happier, it was strange...

    actually if i log in to the account now (i still remember the login and password) i will probably have a lot of messages asking where am i, and if something happened since i last logged on, but i never was able to bring myself to log on it again because i know ill feel really sad when i do and remember those years again..

    while doing this i also started to change a bit, i used to love swimming and used to spend hours doing it, but ever since i was something like 16 i stopped going to pools and the beaches because i was never happy with how i looked, mostly because i started not wanting to be seen and see myself shirtless, it still makes me feel very bad when im shirtless, its almost unbearable

    when i was 17 or something, i started trying to have more of a feminine appearence, with longer hair and losing more weight, and shaving body hair while i could, it made me feel a lot better and i used to spend a lot of time taking photos of me (mostly trying to look feminine with poses and lightning, i felt curious to try clothes but this time i finally felt that it was "wrong" to even think about it because of growing up hearing what society thinks of gays or transgenders), but recently i cant even take photos of me anymore, or even look at the mirror, i dont feel happy with what i am at all (i have not took new pictures in almost 2 years, while i used to post almost 10 new every 2 days, but now i feel like im not what i want to be)

    stories aside, i rarely ever felt any kind of attraction to females, mostly when i see a beautiful woman i kind of wish it was me, and it makes me feel happier and sad at the same time...i remember i felt like this since i was like 13 or something, this was hard growing up since there were a lot of pretty girls in school, it made it hard to even talk to them...

    still i have never given it much thought about it until these last years, in fact its been bothering me a lot and i feel very depressed about it

    as i said in the beginning im very interested in games in such (i learned english by playing video games since i was little), mostly theyve been my escape for most things in my life so far, but its so strange now that im only interested in playing games which i can play as a female character, its been so extreme that i can barely get myself to play a lot of games if i cannot play as a female, its like im not even interested, and a lot of times i dont even care what game it is, as long as i can be a girl on it, it sounds pretty stupid, but its also making me feel even worse

    i am much more mature now so i dont have any problem with being transgender or gay, i see nothing wrong with it, if thats what i am, im perfectly fine with it, i just want to know whats really going on, i dont want to be hasty and label myself or if this is some kind of phase...

    however im very scared to coming out or even transition, this is my first time sharing this with someone, none of my friends and family know, in fact, ive seen this site a few times in the past, 1 year and half ago, 8 months ago, 3 months ago, i visited this site and read a few posts, but i always felt too scared to post, i finally felt like it was time to finally do it...

    so, i live only with my mother (we live in a different state than most of our family), and im also afraid that if i tell her this she will think im just begging for attention and not taking me seriously, which would be sad and infuriating (she did this when i told her i am an atheist, she just made fun of it like it was some joke of some young rebel kid or something like that), but still, she is a great mother and i love her, and i know she loves me, i think she would be very supportive..but im still scared...

    if you guys could give me some advice of whats going on with me i would appreciate it, and what should i do to find out more about it (i dont know if there is anything like a gender therapist in my country), feel free to ask any questions and i would do my best to answer them

    thank you very much guys, i feel a lot better after typing all of this :smilewave
     
  2. Jay

    Jay
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    Thank you for sharing all of that! I think your English is fantastic for someone who pretty much picked it up by playing online games, etc. Way to go!!!

    I can summarize my whole post in three words: YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.



    You just don't truly know yet.

    Beauty comes from the inside out for it to be genuine. People who are aesthetically pretty but rotten in the inside are not people who you want to be around, right? So right now, the foundation is there. For what you've said, I see you are a compassionate, fun, healthy, easy going, friendly person. Those are qualities that already give you an edge over most people! It's now time for you to give yourself some credit and start working on figuring your gender identity and who you really are.

    What if you want to dress feminine? I do understand South America might be a little more difficult in terms of acceptance (I'm from El Salvador so I've lived through that) however, you should pay no mind to the negative kind because that's just no way to live. You have to stop pleasing someone else's needs and start living your life for you. Wear some make up, try a dress on, maybe just really tight clothes, who knows? Do fun things, go out, meet people, have a blast. A big part of growing up and learning who you are is knowing that you will most likely make mistakes but you will learn for those.

    Also, keep in mind: Gender Identity (as in what pronouns you prefer: male, female, etc.) and Sexual Orientation (who do you like: boys, girls, both, etc.) are two different things that are completely unrelated. This means that, if you end up figuring out that you're most comfortable assuming female pronouns and making a transition to female, but you like girls anyways... that's fine! Or if you're comfortable using male pronouns but you like both girls and boys... that's fine too!

    The rainbow would certainly be boring if it would all be one same color, now wouldn't it?

    Take care! And lots and lots of hugsssssss!!!!!
     
  3. SilverGirl

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    thank you for the support jay, it feels much better finally being able to share this with people

    yes but its scary because i dont want anyone to find out, and im pretty sure she would, so im not sure what i should do, i wish there was some kind of gender therapist here but i dont know if there is

    yes im aware of that, but i want to solve this first because i think its clouding my other feelings, like i said before, i cant even look at girls without feeling some kind of envy, and its making me feel miserable

    thanks, you too (*hug*)
     
  4. Christianna

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    the only way your ever going to be happy is when you shut off all those nay sayers active in your head... just be who you feel comfortable with being... I have hope for you :slight_smile:
     
  5. rachelv

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    Your English are great! I learn it playing video games too, and reading a lot RPG books non-translated to Portuguese.

    I don't think you're thought a phase, cause a phase don't last that longer (you have these kind of thinking since you were six) and this excuse just don't match anymore.
    When there's something there, we almost always know it. There's no playing around.
    You should say to your mother the deal, cause I think she know it already. She know you since you were born, and even before, man. It's impossible she don't have absolutely no doubts about it.
    I mean, being an atheist is not like being sexually different. Atheist is an opinion, and is normal for a mom miss that up. But who you are?
    I am not in position of helping right now, so that's the best opinion I can give today xD. I hope everything stay ok and you just be happy. That's the most important now.
     
  6. Hot Pink

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    Hey, don't worry. I know this is a confusing time. I didn't come out until I was 26. I was scared, like you. The thing to remember is that if you're looking for motivation or strength, we can't provide you with that. If you're looking for encouragement and a place to truly be yourself, then you have found it.

    Unfortunately, I wish I could say that it'll get better right away. The truth is that the process of coming out will leave you vulnerable and emotional--at least that's what it was like for me. It'll be both easier and harder to talk about. I feel more comfortable now as a woman than I ever did when I was pretending to be a guy. Coming out was the only way to get to this point, though. It's hard. It'll always be hard. Risk is like that.

    I feel like I belong. I never had that feeling before. I feel like I fit somewhere in this world. I always felt so disconnected before. Like you, I played a lot of games because I used them to cope. I used them to isolate myself, so no one would see me for who I really was. Fear drove my actions, as they drive yours. The only way over this is through it. Push your way through your fear. Don't let it control you.

    The only place you can find courage and strength is hidden deep within yourself.
     
  7. SilverGirl

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    hi guys, ive been away for some time, and i have a few updates

    i managed to tell it to a friend i chat and play games online a lot, he lives very far from here but ive met him in person once, and he is a good friend of mine for a couple of years, but thankfully, he reacted nice and supportive too, probably surprised at first but looks like he has no problem with it, which now feels much better to finally tell someone you know, it kind of felt like if i was really me for a moment, and it makes me feel better talking to someone being myself without having to hide anything anymore

    but even after this im starting to feel worse in the past few days, ive been feeling really depressed and i feel like i dont care about anything anymore, even worse is that a few weeks ago i got screwed by my bosses and lost my job, now im just at home all day and i feel like im useless and i just dont care about anything, i can barely do anything or go out to have fun because all the time im thinking about this, im not even talking to people anymore, i dont even know what day today is

    i feel just horrible, im not even trying to find a new job because i feel like i just dont care anymore, the only thing that makes me feel better is...i dont know, thinking about being my real gender

    guys what should i do? im so scared, maybe i should try something like shaving all my hair, and trying clothes if im alone at home, just anything to make me feel better!!! i just cant stand it anymore, but i dont know, i have no idea what i should do, im so scared of doing anything, i feel now like my life was miserable and most of it was just distractions...i dont even know what else to say, im just crying as i type this, this is so difficult, please please someone help me
     
  8. Eva

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    Hi SithWarrior!!
    Go do something about it! As you said, shave your body(helped me a lot!) buy some nice clothes fitting for your gender identity and try'em on(maybe you'll feel so good in them that you're going to wear them otside. Get some make-up and get a friend to teach you what to do with it(can't wait to do that my self!) or get on youtube and start your self.Do anything that makes you feel better! I have just started seeing a sexologist and a psychotherapist but now cause of my situation (two kids and a female partner) I can't do anything too overt cause it makes my partner cry a lot and I hate that. I'm 26 years old MtF from Czech Republic who came out a month ago.
    My advice is: Start going to the doctors as I have done, any good psychotherapist will do. When you have started therapy, come out to you're mom(you'll have a specialist backing you and she woun't have a chance to argue with that).
    And from there it's gonna be an emotional rollercoaster ride. But things will start to be better. I'm in a damn tricky situation, my partner is 8 months pregnant and I can't do anything to upset her too much cause of the baby. But things got so bad with me that I had to tell her, and my mom, and I'm continuing to do so with my frieds. Some friends that I never thought to react like they did even support me and that's a load off my mind.

    If you don't do anything, you're going to stew in your own missery. I'm sure you'll get through it. Kisses :slight_smile:

    PS: Great English girl! I've also learnd it from palying FPS and RPG games :grin:
     
    #8 Eva, May 12, 2013
    Last edited: May 12, 2013
  9. SilverGirl

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    hello everyone

    thanks eva! hopefully i think things are going to be better now


    as i made that previous post, i got pretty emotional and could sleep, i was just crying, my mom woke up and was very worried, i didnt tell her what it was, i just asked for a therapist, even then she said that whatever it was it doesnt matter and she will always love me

    i feel so much better now, my first visit is this wednesday, ill just go slow and explain everything from the beginning, and ill keep updating it here

    thanks everyone :]
     
  10. Eva

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    That's the spirit, I've got tears in my eyes now that I'm reading your mothers response :grin:

    It'll all work out fine, you'll see :slight_smile:
     
  11. SilverGirl

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    heyyy again everyone

    so i just came back from my first time with the therapist, and it was very interesting and supportive, i just explained everything from the beginning and she was pretty supportive so im very happy now that i think things can finally go forward

    ill keep on it and lets see how it goes in the next few weeks :3
     
  12. SilverGirl

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    hello everyone, just updating again

    so i just had another visit with the therapyst and the big problem is how this is affecting my life, i just cant do anything else and just feel disconnected with everything, so hopefully we are going to try to move things forward, she also told me to go to an endocrinologist for some exams

    im not even afraid to tell my mother anymore, i just feel empty and shallow inside, i know that i need to tell her in order to get things forward, so i think ill tell her in my next visit there, thanks everyone for the support
     
  13. JustAnotherSoul

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    I'm hopping on this thread late, but I just wanted to say that you are awesome and your English is great.