Until fairly recently, I've happily identified as a lesbian woman. Comfortable with being feminine, not typically at odds with my female body. However, for a number of years I've been intrigued by the idea of having a male body. Not necessarily thinking I'm meant to be male or that there's anything wrong with being female- the idea of being male just fascinates me. Out of the men I've been attracted to (considering I self identify as a lesbian), many of them were gay or bisexual identifying. I have trouble being labeled or associated with the lesbian community. Again, there shouldn't be any problem with being a lesbian, but it doesn't feel right. Neither does describing myself as a bisexual or pansexual woman. As a child I was fairly feminine. Engaged in imaginative play, liked pink, had lots of female friends. Hated make-up, felt naked in a dress though. I realize that even a man has every right to express a feminine side so if I was a man, I'm sure I'd enjoy expressing a bit of a feminine side. I don't recall any feelings about wanting to be a man as a child. I never felt trapped in a female body, even as a very curvy, very feminine looking woman. But you know, I hated periods. Not the concept of one, they're a natural part of being a woman, but the fact that I was having them. And the idea that I could potentially get pregnant if I wanted to. The idea of being pregnant? Have breast milk? The idea's alien. When it comes to sex/love etc, I fantasize about being a male. Can't be turned on by the idea of being female during it, much as I try. Could I be trans*? Unsure. I wondered if I was genderqueer or genderfluid but that, again, doesn't seem right. Maybe a cisgendered woman with a grass is greener mentality? No idea. So these are just some random thoughts and if anyone would like to lay in, let me know what they think, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Well, today, I was just hit really hard with a feeling of self loathing. Hating my body and hating that I hated it. I've basically spent my whole life trying to be as feminine as possibe- but I realized today that I've felt like I was acting or faking the whole time. I'm paranoid that my identity confusion is just a symptom of my aspergers or something.
Well now that you're really thinking about it, it's possible that you could be putting ideas in your head. The mind is a very powerful thing. But don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you that you're wrong for feeling this way. If these are your true feelings then whatever you're feeling right now is 100% valid. Now with that aside, if your feelings are your true feelings, then you might indeed fall somewhere under the trans* umbrella. I can't really label you anything, because only you know who you are on the inside. You don't necessarily need to have dysphoria in order to be trans*. Every trans* person experiences dysphoria differently; and every trans* person has a different past. Not all of us knew what we were, or expressed how we felt at a young age. You don't need to rush into a label though. Just relax, take your time with, and breathe. You are who you are, don't try to fit into the label, have it form to who you are. It might help if you meditate on it a bit. Just an option, I know it's helped me clear up some self doubt whenever it arises.
Welcome to EC It's ok to ask yourself these questions. It sounds like you are thinking it through. I wouldn't worry that your questioning is a symptom of anything, however you feel is valid. Hating your body isn't necessarily a result of being trans. Women live in a world in which they are always told that their bodies are wrong. But at the same time, if you feel like the feminine, female identity you have had all this time isn't accurate, and being male is something that you think fits better, it could be possible that you are trans. No one can tell you but yourself. You also didn't have to grow up feeling masculine or like a boy your whole life to be a trans man. Everyone has different experiences. My suggestion would be to try experimenting with living as a guy. Try wearing some men's clothes, maybe pick another name, etc., just to see how it makes you feel.
Thanks guys. I don't know, I think my biggest fear at the moment is that I'm over thinking this, putting thoughts in my head. And yet, I'm just thinking of what it was like for me, growing up, and just not feeling authentic as a female. Wanting to be perceived as one, because that was the "right" thing to do, and what everyone wanted from me, but still feeling like a faker. I want to experiment, see what happens, but I'm apprehensive about when and where I'd do it. I mean, I even have a name I picked out- Byron, and I've been using it anonymously whenever I have the chance and it feels kind of euphoric that people think I'm Byron. Wish I had more male clothes lying around to experiment with and that I could pick some up at the store on a moment's whim... I keep fantasizing about life as a man, as Byron, you know, some guy with a bit of a feminine side, hipster glasses, a scarf, and it just seems to make more sense, like I have a future or something. Not that I wouldn't have one as a woman, because everything I want to do with my life doesn't depend on my gender. I don't know. But thank you all for being willing to respond and 'listen' to my ramblings.
