Not sure where to begin here... But I've recently come to the conclusion that I am definitely agender. I've always felt alienated whenever gender is brought up. I don't fully understand it, honestly. I don't mind that I'm female, but I wouldn't mind if I just woke up male one day. I'm also bi (or pan, whatever you wanna call it), so gender really doesn't mean anything to me. For the longest time, transsexual people confused the hell out of me- why care enough about your sex to actually go through transitioning? Why not just be an unconventional member of your birth sex? I mean, it's not like you'll get any more hate than you already do. I never had anything against them (in fact I've always fully supported trans rights); I just didn't understand. I know now that's not how it works, so please don't get mad at me... ^_^; I didn't understand "third genders" either, ironically enough. The only reason I ever called myself female is because of my genitalia, so unless you're intersex, why bother with something other than male or female? But then I also sometimes wished I was intersex, so I didn't have to pick... I was a very confused individual. OTL I remember one time asking my boyfriend if he saw me as a "girl", and his "yes" upset me for some reason... I had no idea why, or why I even asked that. I don't ever wear makeup unless I'm in costume. I've never been a "girly girl", but I like wearing skirts. I also wear collared shirts with ties a lot. When all the girls wore dresses to my graduation gathering, I wore pants and a collared shirt. I really like an androgynous appearance, and I'm going to start chest binding on some days. I want to kind of mix it up a bit, mixing "feminine" and "masculine" on different days. But I don't have any desire to get SRS or anything like that. Pronouns don't matter much to me. "He" and "she" are equally unfitting, and I don't want to force people to use things that sound unnatural, so I dunno... I guess I'll let other people just use what they like? Which will most likely be "she" in real life, because of how I look. I don't know if I ever want to come out in real life at all; I doubt people will take me seriously... So, yeah, after actually reading up on some of these things, and learning what being agender means, I'm pretty sure that's what I am. Does someone more knowledgeable than me think that lines up with what I've described? Sorry this was so long and rambling. OTL EDIT: Also, does this make me cis or trans or what? I have no idea.
sillyolme: Thanks, but I don't really understand how you can be all genders. Not sure what that would be like. I've heard of bigender before, and people who switch between genders, but I always feel pretty much the same. I want to vary my appearance, but that's more of me wanting to have fun with how I present myself than actually feeling any different. I don't feel like a boy or a girl, so I can't be all the genders if I don't feel like either of those. If I'm understanding this right.
Feel exactly the same. Don't care what gender people call or consider me, nor do I feel particurly manly or feminine. You're cis in the sense that you are the gender (physically) that you're born with and assuming you don't want to change. Trans people are people considering/in the process of changing physical gender. People who have transitioned are the gender they transitioned into. Hope that clears things up. Also sillyolme's link is useful. *Edit, I missed that bit as well. Sound like genderfluid indeed. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to an LGBT councillor, if you can find one that is.
Maybe? So many different words and I'm not sure what label fits best... OTL But I don't feel any change in identity, I just like to mix things in my appearance. And I have no idea if I would be able to find someone I could talk to about that. Wouldn't even know where to look. :/
If you have no desire to surgically alter your gender, I'd say your gender fluid. As in, you don't identify exclusively as one gender and change your gender expressions on a regular basis. About seeking help, I'd google "LGBT" "help" "insert name of the city that you live in" for example and see if you can find an LGBT support centre. I'm sure they'd be able to help you.
That might work, then. I would like to regularly change my expression. I'm just scared that a counselor would judge me. Even if they deal with trans people a lot, what would they think of someone who doesn't feel either male or female? I also have a huge phobia of therapists or counselors, because of terrible past experiences that I don't want to talk about.
Well, honestly, a lot of people don't. That hate is a pretty awful thing to go through and it keeps a lot of people in the closet. And there are dozens of other reasons to stay in. The thing is, giving into that hate is a choice too. You're choosing to tell yourself that it's not okay to be you, over and over again, for years and years. That does very bad things to you, that aren't easy to notice until you start to question them. So it's good that you are figuring out who you are. I think labels are good for you to help you know who you are, but I don't think you should have to ask if other people agree with them. They aren't going to explain who you are to someone who doesn't get it no matter what label you use. The important thing is, to be you, and to be okay with that. If you don't understand why someone would need to be a man all the time, you are probably not a man. You sound like you're just a cool person who really isn't given enough room to be you by the people in your life. So just be you! I hope that helped and answered your question. The rest of this is kind of long but it's a complicated question. ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2013 at 12:52 PM ---------- As far as why somoene would want to transition though? When you start fighting that hate, you're fighting to be you. Part of that fight for a transsexual person can involve physical changes that other people in their lives are not going to understand and may even be hostile about. That's because part of their problem is sometimes a biological problem; it's something that just won't go away. The best way to describe that problem I've found is this. Someone born with XY chromosomes can have female organs on the outside and look completely female, but no uterus because their body never accepted testosterone. That person would be a female, and they would never know about their chromosomes until they hit puberty and saw a doctor. So the point is, chromosomes are like blueprints, but not necessarily what gets built. What gets built is your sex. And just like that person with XY chromosomes that ended up unmistakably female we were talking about earlier, one of the parts that can get mismatched is the brain. And just like any other mismatch, the body is going to let you know that something is wrong so you'll do something to fix the problem. That's how nature works. It does this through stress and anxiety, especially when something related to what is wrong comes up. Now it would be wrong to just look at the physical part, because that might prevent people that have the exact same problem but a different cause, who hormones would be a good treatment for, from getting the help they need. It's just like the "gay gene" controversy. There are physical differences in many transsexual brains, and that's good evidence that there is a biological link. But the problem that needs treatment is that mismatch between who you know you are, and what the world is trying to make you. And that problem might happen in someone who doesn't have the same physical difference in their brain that other transsexual people have. What we don't want is someone scanning your brain and saying "well, the scan says you are trans". The brain and hormones, and the mind, and the way they interact, are very complicated things. The problems that this causes are easiest to treat with hormones that the brain is expecting, or that are more in line with your real gender. In other words, female hormones for someone in a male body and vice versa. These hormones cause the body to look more appropriate to your gender, and make living life a lot easier. Everyone treats you like the correct gender, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the stress and anxiety and sense that something is wrong disappears. Also, if you're either gay or straight, you'll probably want to go after people romantically that won't want you to have a sex organ neither of you enjoys using. If you're already living your life as a member of the opposite sex anyway, hopefully it's easy to see why people go through with the sex reassignment surgery. People may have many other problems that transitioning won't help. Treating a broken arm won't heal a broken leg. But it is still something some people need to treat. A lot of us do get by for years and years before that just being unconventional. I tried to. I even had my girlfriend help me dress up a few times when we first got together. But eventually, for a lot of us, being wrongly gendered can prevent you from living a normal life. One of the things a lot of people might not realize is that, even though I'm gay and find my girlfriend very attractive, we're still sexually incompatible in some ways. We can have enjoyable sex. There are a lot of things I like doing with her. But the kind of sex she wants from me sets off all those things I was talking about earlier. So sorry for the length, but hopefully that makes a little more sense. ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2013 at 12:52 PM ---------- My therapist is pretty awesome. Hopefully you end up with a good one this time. They should just let you define you however you need to, and just help you with the problems that being you is causing in your life. Like depression etc.
Thinking of it like this helps. I just don't personally care about my sex, so I didn't get why other people would. But I realize people are different from me. And I'm still not sure what label I should use, but since I don't think I could tell anyone, I don't guess it matters much. :/ Maybe I'm just irrationally assuming people will be dismissive of me; I tend to do that. I guess the main thing is that gender doesn't mean anything to me. I don't identify strongly with being a boy or a girl. The only reason I call myself a girl is because of my body parts, but since trans people exist, there obviously is more to gender than that. So I'm not sure what I qualify as. Thank you, I don't mind the length at all. Sorry if I seem dense or something, haha. Even thinking about seeing a therapist makes me feel like panicking. Had a really traumatic experience. I don't think I could handle seeing one. EDIT: Linthras: But then, how likely am I to meet a bad one? I live in Alabama, too, so there's a lot of prejudice towards LGBT people. I know I have an irrational fear, but I still can't easily get rid of it...
It's understandable. I'm not that fond of therapists either. Getting a bad one shouldn't happen, as long as you go through the proper channels. Like I said, try to find an LGBT support centre, like this one: Spectrum: LGBTQA Community @ University of Alabama or this one: GLBT Advocacy & Youth Services, Inc. or the national one: GLBT National Help Center Send them a mail or call them. Ask for help and express your fears and anxieties. Good luck and lots of support. (*hug*)
